Shadows of My Past

I took a walk tonight. First time in a LONG time. I had it in my head I was going to yoga, but that plan was derailed due to a broken down car situation. As God would have it, however, a walk was more appropriate. When I walk I tend to get really quiet and talk, listen, worship and pray to God. It’s my favorite place. It’s my best place. And I rarely go there. Too much to do. But tonight, I took a walk, and in that short time, in the dark, I was reminded (again) of what God has for me.

I don’t like walking in the dark alone, but tonight I didn’t have a choice. And I kept looking behind me thinking I saw someone following me. I had headphones in, so I couldn’t hear footsteps, but I FELT someone there. Every time I turned, I saw only my shadow, following me. I felt like a kid in that moment and pretended it really WAS someone else. And then I realized maybe it REPRESENTED someone else.

At the beginning of my walk I was rushed yet determined. I was getting some exercise and I wasn’t letting anything stand in my way. I jumped out the door and pushed forward with only one goal: walk for at least a mile and go back home. In my determination, God was able to bust through and remind me that I had a few things to pray for and this was a really good time to take care of that. Several people I know came to mind and I started praying. And it was during that prayer time I kept looking back at my shadow and wondering why I felt so tense and so paranoid. As I continued on and continued to pray and listen to worship music, I heard the words reminding me that God made me just the way I am and he’s been taking me through some really scary stuff in order to get me to where he wants me to be. And as I listened and meditated on those words I felt stronger and less afraid. And I said (to myself), “Yeah! You DID make me and you did a great job! Thank you for all of the challenge you have put me through and what I’ve yet to see.” And it was then that those shadows were no longer following me, but were instead BESIDE me.

I noticed my pace had picked up and I wondered how bad my legs would hurt the next day. But I kept on going, praying and listening. I felt God walking right with me and we talked about a few things and prayed for a few more people together. I love when I feel that connected to him.

As I turned another corner, I saw my shadow stand tall in front of me. And, no matter which way I turned, it was there, stretching out before me. And it made me realize how strong I am because of God and how much he has in store for me. Plans I have no idea about and plans I could never come up with on my own. He’s way cooler than anything I can dream up. And with his strength and with my faith he helps me let go of my past, the me of before, and walks with me on my journey into the new me. And he reveals to me his one and only plan that matters which is that he is for me and has great plans for my life.

I spent last year going through a lot of challenge and change. And through that God is transforming me and showing me an incredible future. I am thankful for the yuck and the hard stuff and the energy to continue on, and I can’t wait to live the plans he has for me. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future… Jeremiah 29:11

For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it. Mark 8:35

This is my first post of 2014 and, even though it’s a couple weeks into the New Year, I feel I’m ready to take this year one day at a time. God revealed to me already that he has incredible plans of healing and peace for me this year. But I have some work to do before that happens. I look forward to sharing more of my journey with you!

Did you make a New Year’s Resolution? What has God revealed to you about this coming year?

Blessings in a toilet bowl

So, I dropped my phone in the toilet at Costco yesterday. Exactly one month and 7 days after it was purchased at the very same store.

If you’ve read my rants about shopping at Costco previously, you know it’s a place I both love and hate. Certainly I still shop there out of some decided necessity. Not that I can’t get everything in the world in other places in the world. But, I digress….read my last post about Costco if you want the scoop. On this particular day, I was on a mission to seek and destroy my shopping list so I could be home for at least 30 minutes before the next ‘to do’ on my schedule. As I pulled into the lot, the dreaded urge to pee came over me in a huge way. I contemplated holding it but knew I couldn’t. The sheer annoyance of navigating to the bathroom at Costco might actually outweigh all other negative aspects of the shopping experience there. I grabbed my cart, rolled all the way across the store, noted the ridiculous Disneyland long lines I would soon be part of, and found what I thought to be a safe place to keep my cart. I then did some sort of speed-walk to the restroom to do my business. As I prepared to sit on the toilet, I heard the ‘plop!’ I turned quickly to see my beautiful HTC One staring up at me under a few inches of water. “Help!” it cried (not really). I’m sure I paused a moment in panic, said something aloud for all to hear, and then grabbed it out and proceeded to dry it with toilet paper. Meanwhile, I was standing in the stall, half-dressed, and still needing to pee. Once I felt the phone was dry, I dropped it in my purse and carried on. Only to grabbed it out moments later wondering if I had just contaminated the contents of my bag.

By now I was sweating and wondering what to do next. As I finished up I washed my hands and headed back to my cart. Which, of course, was now missing. I then grabbed another abandoned cart and headed through the store in reverse of my normal shopping pattern. It was then that I stopped again and grabbed my phone out of my bag. It seemed urgent to me that I tell someone, ANYONE, what had just happened. And I wondered if the phone was still working. It seemed to be, but maybe was a little off. So I kept texting, shopping, worrying, pulling it in and out of my pocket (which initial location is why it dropped in the toilet in the first place) and finally called my husband as I drove out of the parking lot. (WA State disclaimer: Was using my in-car Bluetooth). This is when I noticed error messages popping up, which I promptly deleted.

Okay, you get it. I dropped my phone in the toilet at Costco and possibly ruined it.

Here’s where my personal reflection comes in. I have been thinking about my family’s excessive use of mobile devices and the like for some time now (probably well over a year). And I’ve considered having a ‘Cyber Free Sunday’ where we completely un-plug from all things electronical (yes, you read that right). But all I do is THINK about it, and do nothing to move this plan forward. Enter the book I am currently reading: “7, An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess,” by Jen Hatmaker. While this is not a offical book review, I suggest STRONGLY that you read this book. If anything for the comical factor (I puffy heart her writing) and the realness of it all. Not only am I in the middle of this book, but I’m on the section about MEDIA. Where her entire family unplugs from Facebook, Twitter, texting, tv, etc. Her only source of info is email because it’s a major part of her job. This in itself intrigued me simply because I’ve been thinking about the negative effects of too much media time on relationships.

When I returned home from Costco, I turned off my phone (which apparently I should have done right after it plopped) and put in a bin of rice. This is supposed to dry it out. But it has to sit in there for 24 hour. 24 hours. 24 hours. This kept repeating in my head because I knew I would be without it until late Saturday afternoon. And this bothered me. A lot. And then it bothered me that it bothered me. And I kept staring at my phone taking a nap in a container of rice. Almost like it was in a coma. A phone coma. And I didn’t know if it would ever wake up.

Quickly I jumped on my iPad and posted on Facebook about my dilemma. Certainly the ‘world’ needed to know about this and electronically console me. And then I realized I needed to get a hold of a friend. And I thought I’d just send her a quick text message. But I couldn’t. I knew an email wouldn’t receive a quick response, so I realized I had to take the last resort and make a phone call. A PHONE CALL. On the REAL phone. And I didn’t have her phone number memorized. From there a web of me calling my husband and him calling a friend and her calling me to give me the other friend’s number happened.

Ridiculous, right? Not so much ridiculous as it was just an inconvenience because we are so used to having everything and everyone available to us at a moment’s notice. And when we are FORCED to rely on our ‘old ways’ of doing things, we realize how good we have it with all of our devices.

The rest of the evening I spent on my iPad looking and posting on Facebook. I was bored and was missing out on an incredible Young Life event because I also happen to have a nasty cold (I’m sure made worse by shopping). I posted about the phone, about how I was sad to miss the event, a picture of me in my YL t-shirt, that my husband was mowing the lawn in the dark (true story), and finally updated my profile picture. All things not important at all. And all because I have possibly lost my way in the ‘real world’ and forgotten how to just ‘be’.

Later that night I finished reading the chapter in “7” about media. At just the right time, the event of the day was making sense to me and I was glad for it. God orchestrates everything in our life for a reason. And He knew I had been troubled by the whole device thing for a while and He was giving me (forcing me) to let go for just a little while. This is his standard M.O. when working with me because I have a hard time actually taking the first step towards change. It’s like he takes both hands and gives me a good shove in order for anything to happen. And I’m okay with that.

This time he took away the phone to let me know that what I have been thinking and feeling was right on target. That I DO need to unplug more. With a new job and some other awesome things going on in my life, I have let go of all of the stuff that keeps me centered, like exercise, eating well, spending time with friends, and WRITING. Writing is like air and water to me, and I’m deprived. (maybe why this post is so long). But what I didn’t push out of my life was the time I spend texting, emailing, and Facebooking. The time that ticks by endlessly as I search of something good in places that have never fed me and never will.

So I’m forced to be without my phone for another 4 hours today. And I don’t even know if it will work when I take it out of its rice spa. But in the meantime, I’ve allowed myself to fill time with this blog post. And I plan to sit outside for a while and enjoy what might be the last sunny day until July 5th. And I’m going to read, make some homemade chicken noodle soup and maybe even take a nap. Things that rejuvenate my body and my soul and my mind.

Why do we push out those things in our life that fill us up in a positive way? Why have we used our devices as ways to drag us down instead of build us up? Do you think a drastic media-fast is the only way to change these habits? Or can we find balance in it all? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. I’ve missed you!

The Year of Right Now

Last new year, I declared 2011 the year of ‘non-resolve’. I’d spent too many years setting myself up for failure with unrealistic goals. Allowing myself to just live each day as a new one, and experience life being true to myself proved incredibly fulfilling over the last year.

2012 is no different, yet I feel compelled this year to recognize things in my life that could use some improvement. I could definitely use new underwear. I am embarrassed at the state of this part of my wardrobe. I would enjoy a new makeup look, and an updated exercise clothing collection. My office could use an organization overhaul, and I could use a refresher course in housekeeping. I could be more consistent with my parenting, and meal planning. And I could brush and wash my cats so they shed less. I could practice my penmanship, and spelling, and even brush up on my math skills. I could text less and call more, and meet in person and Facebook less. I could get rid of that ugly white table next to my back door, and find a way to make the litter box less of an eyesore. I could eat more veggies without going totally vegan, and drink more Pepsi without getting addicted. I could manage my weight without obsessing over the scale and I could look in the mirror less and accept myself more. I could use more time with God and less time allowing the world to determine my worth. I could love more and hate less and I could accept more and judge less. I could let my son be just a little more independent and I could let him fall instead of pave the perfect path. I could back off on my words and learn to just listen and I could love others for who they are instead of make them something I think they should be. I could be more of an example and less of dreamer. And I could make things happen instead of wishing they would.

Today is a new day and the start of a new year, but that doesn’t change my circumstance. Every moment brings opportunity for choice and change or just the chance to be joyful about where I am right this minute.

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