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Living the Uncomfortable Life

taintedfishsticks 5 Comments

I skipped my morning bible study reading because I told myself I was going to write today. I had a fabulous blog all thought out in the middle of the night. Of course, I haven’t a clue what it was about now. Even my 13-year-old tells me I need to keep a journal by my bed to record these ideas. I’m not sure when I will come to terms with the fact that my brain is such a jumble most of the time, I can’t possibly keep extra ideas in there for more than a few minutes. So, I’m going to write about what’s on my mind, right this minute.

The ‘jumble’, that is my mind, is on overload lately. I’m pretty sure when I speak to people it’s evident. I talk in circles and probably never really express what I’m trying to. And I want so much to let people know what I’m thinking. I what them to learn from my mistakes and wins. I want them to know they are loved. I want them to know I’m praying for them in a real intense way. I want them to know that I’m in this mess of life with them, and I want to make them laugh.

What am I talking about? Right. Circles again. I’m talking about the fact that my mind and my heart are pulled in so many directions right now, that I can’t give much of anything TO anything, or anyone. I asked God very clearly this year to bring me out of my ‘regular’ life, and challenge me. I told him I would trust him to carry me beyond my fears. I told him I was done living the ‘safe’ life and I wanted to know what else He had for me. That, in itself, what a bold step of faith. I mean, we ask God for lots of things, like help with a problem, to heal the sick, to mend a relationship, and to bring certain joy. But, how often do we ask him for MORE than what’s in front of us? How often do we tell him, ‘okay God, I know you have great things for me, so I’m gonna just wait here and let you handle things from now on’? Well, for me, I can honestly say I NEVER asked him for more.

Well, he’s answered my prayer. In a huge way. And, I can honestly say, my faith is wavering. My trust in Him presenting me with new opportunities is not solid. I feel he’s put me on overload. He’s given me MORE than I can handle. He’s doing exactly what I asked him and I’m all, “Wait! I’m not sure you totally understood what I asked you. I mean, I WANT what you want for me, but I probably need to be eased into it s-l-o-w-l-y.’

You know sometimes when you talk (or write) something out, the ridiculousness of your emotions hits you in the face? Well, mine just did. DUH! Look what I just wrote! God ANSWERED my prayer. He did EXACTLY what I asked. But, I haven’t received his answer with the full amount of faith that is required. And, He’s not surprised. He knew exactly what I would do. I would turn it into an overwhelming situation and FREAK OUT. He also knew I would waver in my faith in him, which allows Satan to creep into that ‘jumble’. But he doesn’t just ‘creep’ in, he JUMPS in. Full force. He uses self-doubt, confusion, and even sickness to drag me down.

But, what God also knew was that just the ASKING part was an incredible step in my faith. And He knows that it’s just enough for me to hang on to him for the ride. And it’s gonna be a FAST and bumpy one. And I’m NOT ready. And I’m freaked out. And that leaves me vulnerable. I have a choice to fix my eyes on Him anyway. I have a choice to reject the negative talk, and the push of Satan who wants me to fall back into my ‘regular’ life. And I have the choice to say ‘no’ to it all and get back into my comfort zone.

The truth is, I feel like I’m floating above the ground right now. That nothing is nailed down and nothing is safe. Nothing is ‘normal’ and everything is off-balance. So, I’m pretty sure this is all part of God’s plan, but I’d be okay if this weird floaty part would end very soon. And I want to have my eyes wide open when it does so I can understand what He’s doing, and bring my faith in Him back up to where it needs to be.

”For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. – Jeremiah 29:11

Here We Go Again…

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Seems like I’m back on the hamster wheel. Just when I think I’m gaining momentum and actually GETTING somewhere, I realize I’m in the same place I started. Do you think hamsters realize this? Because I don’t think they have much of a brain. Speaking of hamsters, I’m a former hamster killer. I had them as pets as a child, stinky cage and all. And didn’t care for them properly. Found one dead in the cage once. Cause of death: Dirty cage. It’s a wonder God trusted me to care for a human.

We have very complex brains, unlike the hamster. Yet, we can run on a revolving wheel much the same way without ever realizing we aren’t going anywhere. We go faster and faster, get stronger and stronger, and then we stop, look up, and see we are in exactly the same place. This relates to ALL areas of life, but I would guess that pretty much everyone can relate this to finances.

Without quoting any specific statistic, I know for a fact that finances are the number one cause of divorce in the US. And if it hasn’t caused divorce, it certainly causes stress and tension in our life and relationships. I’m not talking about the LACK of money, but the MANAGEMENT of money. What we do with what we are given. What we do with what God has loaned us. We are stewards of HIS money. And, therefore, he provides us opportunities to show him we can manage it wisely, whatever the amount.

God has given my husband and I LOTS of ‘opportunities’ (tests) with money. LOTS. Sometimes he’s given us what I consider TONS of money to work with. The parable of the talents in the Bible talks about this. If you don’t know the story, check out Matthew 25:14-30. I think, most of the time, we are the third guy in this story. We totally blow it. And we come back to God with exactly what we started with. We run the hamster wheel fast, and make no headway with what he’s given us.

Like the bible talks about, God gets pissed off at the third guy. And rightly so! It’s like when you give your kid $20 to buy a hot chocolate and he comes back with that, a giant cookie, and $11 in change. Hey! That’s MY money! And you just wasted it. We are wasting God’s money.

When God is not happy with what we’ve done, he brings us back to where we started again. This time with less. And this time, with conviction on our hearts.

You see, we’ve always had everything we need. EVERYTHING. And probably more than that. But as soon as we get everything in check with our finances, opportunities come up for us to receive more income. And EVERY time, we mis-manage that ‘extra’ money. We literally don’t manage it. We just spend it. We don’t consider it part of our budget. We don’t really consider it at all. And that’s like saying, “Oh, hey God. No, you don’t need to worry about this. We got it. This is our EXTRA. Thanks for providing that for us so we don’t have to stress out about buying things we don’t need.”

Crap. Just writing that out solidifies the fact that we are morons. We have tiny hamster brains. We live to run on the wheel of the world. And not care that we aren’t going anywhere. Not a worry about being stewards to God’s wealth.

Well, the wheel has stopped. Again. And as we look around, we are scared out of our minds of the familiar territory. Higher taxes, job changes, big life decisions, and most certainly God, have put us in a very different financial place. Something we knew was coming, yet didn’t spend a second preparing for.

God has presented us with another test. Feels like a final exam. He’s given us all the information. We’ve had plenty of homework, quizzes, projects, and group discussions. He has prepared us as much as he can. And that’s all he can do. It’s time for us to apply what we know, have faith in His teachings, and ACE this one! Prayers welcomed.

How is God testing you in your finances? Do you understand that nothing on this earth belongs to us? That we are just here to take care of it? Does that change how you think about how you manage your money? I hope it does.

Are you there God? It’s me, Lori

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When my son was in the 3rd or 4th grade, he brought home the book, “Are You There God, It’s Me, Margaret” by Judy Blume from the school library. Having read this book as a young girl, I knew the highlight of this tale. And I wasn’t ready for my son to read about it. I’m guessing because we had read other books by the same author, he was drawn to this. I kindly suggested to him that he really wouldn’t like the book because it was written for girls. In my head I’m thinking, “Why the HECK did the school librarian let him check this out and leave ME to deal with it???”

Oh, the challenges of parenthood. If you have ‘older’ kids, I bet you get that question all the time from  young parents, asking if it gets ‘easier’ as they get older. “HA!” I often say. No. It’s more challenging in an emotional and intellectual way. The older they get, the smarter they get, and your tricks no longer work. Oh, and you have to make sure you are setting a good example, and raising them up to be responsible, God-fearing, and generous adults. Cause they aren’t under your 24/7 watch anymore. No. It’s not easy.

But, I’ve come to understand, that NOTHING that is worthwhile in life is EASY. Not. At. All. Which brings me to a realization that I have basically skated through life participating in almost nothing that brought me out of my ‘comfort zone’. Nothing that truly challenged my belief in myself. And certainly nothing BIG that God has in store for me.  Yes, I’ve done A LOT (of stuff). Yes, I’ve accomplished things that seem pretty big. Yes, I’ve contributed to things that have made a difference. But, all of these, were still in my comfort zone. Even if they were on the very edge.

I can honestly say I have barely dipped my toe in the pool of challenge. At the same time, I can also say that I’ve claimed to. I’ve built myself up sometimes to believe I hurdled over gigantic obstacles and came out better on the other side. Yes, I have overcome things. Yes, I have grown in a positive way from these experiences. But, there’s just something so familiar about every challenge I feel I’ve taken on. And familiar typically means comfortable. Similar. Something I understand. Something I am prepared for. Something I have control of. Which, in my new understanding, does not qualify as a true CHALLENGE.

I am not here to say I am worthless and haven’t accomplished anything. Not in any way. I am super proud of things I’ve done and even surprised at a lot of it. Things like parenting. I’ve done a great job, alongside my husband, to raise an incredible kid. And EVERYONE who becomes a parent for the first time knows that this is the biggest challenge of life. It rocks your world in every direction, and you are never prepared for it.

But since that time, what HAS rocked my world? I mean, I’m trying to cut coffee for the next month and I can’t even bring myself to do that. And to me THAT is huge. Which, when I think about it, is so small. When did coffee rule my world? Wait. That’s probably another blog, because I think my love for coffee is up there with my love for Nigel, my car.

I’m feeling a looming challenge ahead. And I’m TERRIFIED to say the least. And it might not even be a THING, but a sin or, dare I say AGAIN…Control.

Giving up control and truly living by faith could be every Christ follower’s biggest challenge. I mean, God made us all full of personality and brains, and then he tells us HE wants to be in charge? But I’M in charge? I’M the boss of me!

Sounds a lot like parenting older kids. They are full of this personality and brains I speak of, and certainly want to be in control at all times. This frustrates the heck out of me as a parent. It makes me feel insignificant much of the time. I can imagine how frustrated this must make God. When all he wants is the best for us. And all he asks is that we listen to what He’s saying, and DO IT. We let HIM be in control of our lives.  How insignificant we make him feel when we turn from him and walk our own path.

So, God, I get it. You want me to walk by faith and give up my control. Which pretty much translates into every single thing in my life. I know that YOU know I can do this. But I also know that you know I don’t believe I can. So, please, walk with me through this. Show me the way. And help me give up that control to you so I can truly know what GREAT things you have in store for me. Amen.

Pity: Party of One

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I would like to take this moment to give myself kudos for the amazing job I do at throwing myself pity parties.  No, seriously, I’m considering adding ‘pity party planner’ to my list of skills on my newly created LinkedIn profile. I’m positive I would get several endorsements for this incredible talent.  For certain, I’ve had enough years of experience to merit the notation.

If you know me, you know that I don’t do anything half ass. It’s all or nothing, all of the time. So, when I throw a party like this, it’s epic. Everything from the venue, food, drink, guest list, toast, and, of course theme (pity) are carried out down to the last detail. No expense is spared for an event such as this. The significance of said party is not to be underplayed.

To be more specific, I pick a venue that is close to home, or most often actually at my home. This allows space to flop or flouder, and plenty of doors to slam, cats to ignore, and family members to yell at. Food can be tricky, as sometimes it’s difficult to get the coffee tasting just right, or find a slice of cake at 10:30 in the evening. The guest list is very specific and exclusive. There is no room at a pity party for anyone other than the host (me). If anyone else tries to crash it, they will be met by the bouncer at the door (me) and quickly reqret their attempt to join in the fun.give up

The highlight of the party is always the carefully delivered, eloquently versed, and unequivocally truthful speech given by the host. Because this, my friends, is the core and the soul of the party itself. The reason for the gathering, and the purpose of the fanfare.  “Here’s to Lori, the woman we honor today. She is mostly useless, weighs more than she should, has nothing to offer the world, and has spent the last ten years or so watching tv dramas and dabbling in short term jobs. She has no party invites due to lack of friends, and is probably not fun to hang out with anyway. We raise our glasses to her extreme lameness! Cheers!”

At the end of the speech, I am fired up and ready for more! Let’s party like its 30-12 tonight! Bring on the junk food, the door slamming, and the yelling! Lock the doors so no one else can spoil the fun.

But, even I know that every good pity party must come to an end. Every event runs it’s course. And, eventually, it’s time to clean up the mess. But, when it’s time for the cleanup, my gifting runs dry. I can’t see past the truths of my speech and the giant mess I have made.

Thankfully, there is a cleanup crew already on task. Even though I didn’t hire them, they show up every time. As they begin to sweep up the debris, I notice my mood begin to change, and perhaps a tidbit of joy sneeking in. Like the sun shining through a clean spot on a dirty window. They scrub, and they wash, and they fix what is broken; my heart. And, finally, they present me with a new toast. One that speaks right to my heart. One that fills me up, instead of breaks me down. One that is REAL truth.

Who are these cleanup experts? They are my husband, they are my friends, they are scripture, and they are truth. They are all organized perfectly by Jesus to help me know what is real, and to break up my pity party. Because we aren’t meant to determine our own worth. God has already done that. We are beautiful, talented, loving, and perfect in his eyes. And he will always show us that truth when we care to listen.

So, next time you want to throw a party for yourself of the pity nature, check with God first, because I bet he has a better idea in mind.

 

 

The Year of Right Now

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Last new year, I declared 2011 the year of ‘non-resolve’. I’d spent too many years setting myself up for failure with unrealistic goals. Allowing myself to just live each day as a new one, and experience life being true to myself proved incredibly fulfilling over the last year.

2012 is no different, yet I feel compelled this year to recognize things in my life that could use some improvement. I could definitely use new underwear. I am embarrassed at the state of this part of my wardrobe. I would enjoy a new makeup look, and an updated exercise clothing collection. My office could use an organization overhaul, and I could use a refresher course in housekeeping. I could be more consistent with my parenting, and meal planning. And I could brush and wash my cats so they shed less. I could practice my penmanship, and spelling, and even brush up on my math skills. I could text less and call more, and meet in person and Facebook less. I could get rid of that ugly white table next to my back door, and find a way to make the litter box less of an eyesore. I could eat more veggies without going totally vegan, and drink more Pepsi without getting addicted. I could manage my weight without obsessing over the scale and I could look in the mirror less and accept myself more. I could use more time with God and less time allowing the world to determine my worth. I could love more and hate less and I could accept more and judge less. I could let my son be just a little more independent and I could let him fall instead of pave the perfect path. I could back off on my words and learn to just listen and I could love others for who they are instead of make them something I think they should be. I could be more of an example and less of dreamer. And I could make things happen instead of wishing they would.

Today is a new day and the start of a new year, but that doesn’t change my circumstance. Every moment brings opportunity for choice and change or just the chance to be joyful about where I am right this minute.

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