Author: taintedfishsticks

Fear of Flying?

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I wrote this a few weeks ago and forgot to post it. I can say that I DID survive, DIDN’T get sick, and had an incredible trip!

I am currently 31,000 or so feet in the air. My family and I are flying to Kauai to spend the week with my sister and her family. Not a bad way to spend part of our summer vacation, and my birthday.

I threw up this morning. This followed an incredibly restless night’s sleep. I stress out way too much when it comes to air travel. Days before my flight, I start getting anxious, losing sleep, and losing my appetite. By the time we are ready to leave, the stress has taken me over physically, and, like today, I get ill.

I don’t really know what it is about air travel that gets me so wound up. I’ve been trying, for the last few years, to figure this out, with little conclusion. I have realized the airport part of it messes with me more than the flying. The time it takes to get there, park, go through security, and board the plane create the perfect anxiety storm for me. Once I board the plane, almost all of the stress disappears.

This wound up feeling has not yet deterred me from travel. I like going places too much. But each time, it seems to get worse, and each time, I feel like this will be the last time I take a trip on a plane. But, somehow, I do it again.

Often times, when I travel, I end up getting a cold or something. I think it’s almost inevitable with the germ fest of the plane, and the fact I’m flying with a compromised immune system based on the fact I haven’t slept in days. The last time we flew to Kauai, three years ago, I ended up with appendicitis. I think that’s part of why this particular trip caused me to puke.

I’m hoping that writing this down will help me process what I’ve been going through. I do know it’s time to seek help in dealing with this anxiety. Not with drugs or booze, but maybe a therapist who can help find the root of my fear.

I can honestly say, and hour into our trip, I’m comfortable, mostly calm, and excited for the memories we will make on Kauai this summer.

Goodbye to Summer

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The countdown to school is down to a couple of days. And with that, here is my list of signs that summer break is over…

I removed the grown out nail polish from my toes
I’m shopping for skis
I’ve started carrying a light jacket with me
The flameless candles are stocked at Costco
I just bought Keens for 60% off
I have a hankering to bake cookies and make soup
The leaves on the trees have a hint of color
The A/C doesn’t kick on as much
I have worn jeans more than once in the last week
I run into my friends more at Staples than the patio at Ana’s or Finn’s
My son got his hair cut
I am having flashbacks to snow days and power outages and wondering if it’s time for a generator.
My tan is fading
I have made a new workout plan
I am wondering where the time went and if I enjoyed it

I hope you had a memorable summer break! For those of you in the Pacific Northwest, here’s to the upcoming Fwinter, followed but Sprinter. Well, really just winter with a few glimpses of sunshine. Otherwise known as ‘The Gloom’.

Too Bored to Blog

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I am bored out of my mind. Seriously. I have NOTHING going on of any importance or interest. I am embarrassed to admit how many episodes of Gossip Girl and 90210 (the new series) I have watched on Netflix in the past few months. I have spent hours sitting on the couch perpetuating my back issues simply because I have nothing better to do and have a renewed dislike for the gym.

Along with doing nothing, I have been neglecting my blog. I decided that because I am so bored, I have absolutely nothing of importance to share with anyone. I mean, who the heck wants to hear about what B did to S or who Naomi’s latest boyfriend is? I want my blog to be inspiring, funny, encouraging, and important. Trashy tv dramas do NOT fit any of those categories.

But, I am also reminded, thanks to friends that get me, that what people like most about my writing, is the honesty. I agree, I AM a truth teller, but so often have a tough time sharing the UGLY truth about me.

The obvious truth is I want to be perfect for everyone. I want to be loved, and at least liked. I want to do something of importance. I want to contribute positively to this world. I want to affect change in others’ lives. And I want to find joy through all of it.

The current truth is I’ve been feeling lonely, empty, useless, depressed, and bored. I don’t even know what to do when someone else doesn’t need me, or when I don’t have a project to finish. How did I get to the point of having virtually no interests of my own, and no idea what I would even LIKE to do?

I really don’t have time to be bored anymore. I must use this time to face the ugliness so I can move forward. I have to be quiet enough to hear the things I’m drowning out with ‘busy’. I have to look inside myself and make sure I am taking care of ME. This time of quiet, or boredom as I’ve seen it, has presented me with my ugly truth. The truth that I look to find ALL my worth through helping others, and have given up my own joy in the process. It’s time to find myself again, while I have the chance. It’s time to find my real truth and my real joy.

Face vs. Facebook

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In a world of total exposure, the noise can turn into false reality.

WHAT?!

I’m talking about our perceptions of people and the fact that due to things like social media, we see a lot more of people’s lives than we ever did before. But what are we really seeing?

I want to let you know that I am not you and you are not me and he is not that guy and she is not that girl. I don’t have my act together and I’m not an incredible cook.

Sally Sue’s kids are a terror and she only posts pictures of them looking cute. She doesn’t tell you she had to bribe them with Twinkies to get them to shut up and smile.

Jimmy’s new job IS a blessing, but he totally hates the fact that he has no friends there and isn’t allowed on Facebook while on the clock.

Reposting a status in support of some person she’ll never meet who may or may not be sick does not mean Mary is going to save the world while you are watching Netflix.

Healthy living advice comes mostly from people who secretly eat Doritos and drink too much.

Kids with amazing grades are under a lot of pressure and may not make it through college.

Awesome vacations usually mean massive credit card debt.

Multiple ‘check-ins’ mean George goes anywhere he can not to be at home with his family.

Arm in arm group photos indicate booze consumption and temporary BFF status.

Social media IS a way to connect with others. It can be informational, inspiring, humorous, and overall entertaining. I am personally thankful for the connections of have made with many people I might not otherwise be in contact with. I am definitely not mad at Facebook. But, I often get sucked in, like many others, to the false reality presented. Not that people are mis-representing themselves, but that their time of joy is temporary, and is not representative of all the crap they may have going on behind it.

When you find yourself feeling like everyone else’s life is better than yours, stop yourself, because it’s simply not true. We are all a mess in our own personal circumstance and this is NORMAL. No one is living our same life and we should never want for someone else’s life. Especially if it’s all wrapped up in a status update.

Connect with friends in many ways. Spend time in person with people and find out what’s REALLY going on. Celebrate, encourage, inform, laugh, and cry with them. For real. And not through a comment or a ‘like’ button. Because we are meant to be in community with one another, and to be real face to face.

Second Row

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Every Sunday that I attend church, I sit in the second row. I sit in the second row for two reasons. One, because I have a hard time paying attention, and, two, I like to sing. I have a hard time with focusing in general. Which is probably one of the reasons I don’t blog enough. You know, because I’m too caught up thinking about too many other things, like, what’s going on next Tuesday, and how many hours until I can have my morning coffee again. Oh, and I’m a terrible singer. But, I digress…..

I learned kind of early on in life, like high schoolish, that I have to work hard at paying attention and absorbing information. I can’t just sit and listen to someone talk, or read something once and have it stick. Rarely does something grab my attention enough to sink in. Except, of course, inappropriate one-liners, and reality tv. But, in high school, I didn’t really understand why I had such a hard time, so I made every effort to sit as close to the teacher as possible. But mostly, I thought I was just not as smart as most of my friends growing up. I say most, because there were things I was better than some friends at, like typing. I honestly felt un-intelligent for most of my life. Despite people telling me the opposite. I didn’t understand that I just learned differently and that the school system wasn’t set up to help me succeed.

Problem is, it wasn’t until I had my son, and watched him struggle in school, that I realized people actually learn differently. I think I figured out recently, that I am what you call a “hands on learner”. There is another fancy name for it, but I don’t feel like looking it up, and, of course, I don’t remember the name. So, when I talk about, act out, draw, build, rhyme, or even sing about things, I’m more likely to remember. Otherwise, I lose interest and focus quickly and start daydreaming. This knowledge could have really helped me in school.

This blog isn’t about the school system, or me feeling sorry for myself. It’s just more about who I am and how I’ve come to understand the world better by setting myself up to absorb more of it. Like, in church, I sit in the second row so I don’t constantly scan the room to see who’s there, and redesign the chair layout in my head. In the second row, I can focus on what the pastor is saying, and, hopefully, what God is trying to say, just to me, on that day. I can also feel the music when the band is playing, and sing as loud as I want, because there is no one in front of me to offend with my voice. (this is not always true, which sometimes distracts me and I lose some of the experience). Also, I can close my eyes when I want and hear the words, feel the moment, and pray to God alone. Sometimes I even cry because it has captured my whole being that much.

The second row at church is one of my favorite places. It’s where I can focus, and experience the moment. Where the message resonates with my soul, and makes a difference in my life. Just like headphones in my ears blasting music so I can blaze through my workout. Or singing in the car to help me remain calm in traffic. Making lists so I can keep on track. Drawing pictures or talking to myself (a lot) to solve a problem. And taking walks to just remove the noise of life.

The world is an amazing place, but one I have to see, hear, feel, and experience one little bit at at time in my own way. In the way God created me; Intelligent, curious, and eager to learn.

Shoes and Poo

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WARNING: May contain explicit material related to bodily functions.

I’m going to share something very personal here. If the above warning did not already scare you, I’m giving you one last chance to step away from the blog if you are unable to process real and raw information.

You’re still here? Okay, here goes….

Every time I step into Target, I get the urge to poop. I don’t know if it’s the smell of popcorn and coffee, the over stimulating environment, or the myriad of items to look at, but as I wander through it all, I lose focus and want to head for straight for the bathroom. Unfortunately, they stick their restrooms right at the entrance, which would require circling back through stuff and annoying people with screaming kids, only to feel like security is following me as I bring my cart past the registers as if I’m planning to bolt out without paying. And, even if I make it there, I’ll worry the whole time that one of the employees with take my abandoned cart and it’s items, leaving me to go through the store once again.

You are probably thinking, “does she actually poop in public bathrooms?” the answer is “yes, I do.”. I think my whole public poop-phobia was conquered when I was pregnant with my son. If I had to go, there was no waiting. Since then, I’ve gone in countless public restrooms with no concern at all. Target is not the only place that triggers this urge. Ross, TJ Maxx, Barnes & Noble, and now DSW, are also instant laxatives. I guess if I had an issue with ‘regularity’, I might shop more.

My latest encounter happened while shopping at DSW (Designer Shoe Warehouse) with my husband and son. Our original intent was to find my husband some shoes. As we start strolling the aisles, I immediate get the ‘urge’ and shift my shoe scanning to bathroom locating. Thankfully, the restroom was near, because I knew this could not wait. This was a different feeling, the feeling of stomach flu, not just poo.

As I opened the door to the restroom, I heard another woman in a stall. I’m not entirely sure, but I think she, too, falls victim to the overstimulating shopping environment bowel trigger syndrome. Thankful the handicapped stall was available, I entered quickly and did my business. Yes, for sure, I caught the stomach bug and silently apologized to the woman in the adjacent stall. The next thing that happened was both unexpected, and more troublesome than my tummy troubles. While retrieving toilet paper from the roll. A 150 ply stack of TP emerged from the dispenser and exploded, like powder, all over me. It was like I’d eaten a giant powdered sugar donut and none of it reached my mouth. It was EVERYWHERE. I started frantically brushing off my jeans, which now looked acid wash. I picked tiny pieces out of my underwear, off my shirt, and even my face. I started sweating in my panic and wondered if I’d make it out of there dragging the rest of the roll behind me.

Finally, I felt I was cleaned up enough to emerge from the bathroom and find my family. When I approached my husband, he said, “what’s all over your pants?”. Clearly, I was unsuccessful with my toilet paper explosion clean up efforts. I really didn’t care anymore because I still had the flu, and I just wanted to get home and lay on the couch. I grabbed some shoes, along with my son and husband, we paid and left. It was a couple of days later that I realized I had picked out shoes I would never wear (they’ve been returned) and that my son somehow came home with $120 (we paid $80, BUT STILL) Penguin high tops. Clearly, I was distracted.

The moral of the story? HA! There’s no message here. This is just part of my life. And, I just bet, I’m not the only one who has this kind of ‘stimulating’ experience when they shop.

Note To Self

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Dear Me,

I know things have been wonky lately, with snowstorms and power outages, and of course the whole post-holiday blahs. I’m writing to tell you that this is your current reality and you might want to think about embracing it for what it is. Right now.

It’s possible that things you feel are of utmost importance will not get done. Like the long list of ‘to dos’ that has been on your mind for the last six months. Now is not the time to insist on completing major organization projects or pull leftover weeds in the now swampy yard. You are not a bad American because you didn’t know the State of The Union was happening. Leaving the bed unmade will not upset the fung shui of the house. And you do not need to look up whether you spelled fung shui correctly. No one cares.

Your extra ‘power outage stress bloat’ will not make you eligible for Biggest Loser Season 14, but continuing to eat cupcakes and chips dipped in blue cheese dressing just might. It’s okay that the iPad just autocorrected ‘bleu’ to ‘blue’. You CAN go to the gym, and you WILL NOT die on the elliptical machine. It is not a requirement to be in top shape to exercise.

Tomorrow is a new day, but probably not the one where you are going to save the world or even leave the house. Tomorrow is another day of this current normal and its okay if you don’t do everything you think you are supposed to. The day after that shows promise, especially if you leave the house and maybe even exercise. This could even give you the desire to eat some veggies, which inevitably could lead to overall better food choices.

What I’m saying here, is you need to give yourself a break. A break from the intense pressure you put on yourself to be massively productive, always right, and a supreme example to others of perfection. This is NOT normal and can never be achieved. It’s time to sit back and live every moment right where you are. Let life happen and be an active part of your current circumstance. Give yourself grace, experience joy, and love yourself for who you are. Which is good enough for yesterday, for today, and for tomorrow.

Love,
Lori

Middle School Brain

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I’ve reached the point of parenthood where I struggle to understand my child. I know I was once a 6th grader, but I was a whole lot different than my son, and well, I was (am) a girl. If I could get inside of his head for a moment, I wonder what I might learn?

Never hang up your towel. It’s more convenient to run naked across the hall after showering to dry off in the bedroom.
Dirty clothes should go directly NEXT to the clothes hamper on the floor.
Brush your teeth as little as possible.
Saying that you brushed your teeth is the same as actually doing it.
Flat surfaces are for placing all kinds of interesting objects that you might want to keep.
Moms don’t understand why these objects are important.
Eating in front of the tv is necessary and productive, like multi-tasking.
No matter what Mom says, always freak out about it.
Telling your parents they stress you out will always get them off your back.
I am smarter than my parents and I always will be.
Note to self: when I am a grown up, I will have a garage full of Arizona Iced Tea and drink it whenever I want.
A schedule is just a rough idea of what I might feel like doing.
Cramming papers into your binder is an acceptable way to transport them to and from school.
All school work is stupid and a waste of time. Except science, which is cool.
Anything your parents suggest doing will always be boring.
Be somewhat rude to your parents most of the time. Keep kindness for when you want something.
Use phrases like, “you don’t understand!” and “it’s not a big deal!” in most communication with your parents.

I may never know what goes on in his head, and I may never quite be the Mom he thinks I should, but I’ll keep doing my best with what I know and keep loving him for who he is on the outside. And, yes, he will read this because he follows me on Twitter. I hope he gets a laugh, or maybe can let me know if my list is anywhere near accurate.

What You See Is What You Get

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People think I’m complicated. This is baffling to me. Honestly, what you see and hear is what you get. Yes, I said hear, cause I verbalize my thoughts and feelings. A lot.

I know a lot of people. The over 500 Facebook friend count doesn’t even scratch the surface of how many people I call acquaintance. No, I’m not being braggy, it’s just a fact. I’ve been around for 40 some odd years and have met a lot of people along the way. Many I’ve kept in contact with, and several I’ve chosen not to. (Or the other way around, as it may be.). In my life I always felt my worth was determined by others, which might be why I’ve tried so hard to stay on contact with people. For example, if someone appeared to not like me, or maybe didn’t include me in something, I felt crappy, like I wasn’t good enough for them. Like, why the heck wouldn’t people like me?! Because I’m complicated to some, apparently.

I would be lying of I said I still didn’t look to others to determine some of my worth. But, I can say, I’m working on this. Cause everybody’s not gonna like me, and I, for sure, don’t like everyone either.

With all the people I know, encounter, and keep in contact with, only a handful of them are part of my inner circle. These are the people that totally get me and understand why I don’t think I’m complicated. These are the people who accept me no matter what and who come to me when they want the truth. And these are the people that were put in my life for a reason. This circle isn’t static, because people come and go in your life. Some, like my husband, have always been there, but others have drifted away, perhaps to make room for someone new. But, what remains the same is me, and my role as friend, encourager, helper, and confidante. Because that’s who I truly am. And I don’t think that’s complicated at all.

The Year of Right Now

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Last new year, I declared 2011 the year of ‘non-resolve’. I’d spent too many years setting myself up for failure with unrealistic goals. Allowing myself to just live each day as a new one, and experience life being true to myself proved incredibly fulfilling over the last year.

2012 is no different, yet I feel compelled this year to recognize things in my life that could use some improvement. I could definitely use new underwear. I am embarrassed at the state of this part of my wardrobe. I would enjoy a new makeup look, and an updated exercise clothing collection. My office could use an organization overhaul, and I could use a refresher course in housekeeping. I could be more consistent with my parenting, and meal planning. And I could brush and wash my cats so they shed less. I could practice my penmanship, and spelling, and even brush up on my math skills. I could text less and call more, and meet in person and Facebook less. I could get rid of that ugly white table next to my back door, and find a way to make the litter box less of an eyesore. I could eat more veggies without going totally vegan, and drink more Pepsi without getting addicted. I could manage my weight without obsessing over the scale and I could look in the mirror less and accept myself more. I could use more time with God and less time allowing the world to determine my worth. I could love more and hate less and I could accept more and judge less. I could let my son be just a little more independent and I could let him fall instead of pave the perfect path. I could back off on my words and learn to just listen and I could love others for who they are instead of make them something I think they should be. I could be more of an example and less of dreamer. And I could make things happen instead of wishing they would.

Today is a new day and the start of a new year, but that doesn’t change my circumstance. Every moment brings opportunity for choice and change or just the chance to be joyful about where I am right this minute.

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