Month: March 2014

Breathing in Truth

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Day 9: March 16, 2014

I feel like I’m suffocating. I find myself taking deep breaths several times during the day. Every day.

I feel the weight of every day tasks and life pushing me down and making it harder and harder to stay afloat. I sense the darkness closing in and I feel a chill in my bones. I’m drowning in the place that is my life right now, and I don’t see a way out, so I continue to tread water, hoping that my efforts will find me the shore.

I no longer fake a smile when friends ask how I’m doing. Because I don’t have the energy to pretend. I have to focus on the right now and on my breathing. Because sometimes I worry I will forget how. To breathe.

And being in this place is not scary, but more hopeless. It’s the darkness with no understanding of light. It’s the knowledge that change is on the horizon. And the knowing that the action to take might be incredibly painful.

And freeing.

I’m in the calm that is the storm. In the rumble of the wind. Being carried along on a flight to a new place and space that I’ve never known. One that is free from people pleasing and thrill seeking. A place where my heart is no longer my own and the truth is no longer from the world.

And God is taking me there.

God is light, and there is no darkness in him at all. So we are lying if we say we have fellowship with God but go on living is spiritual darkness; we are not practicing the truth.
1 John 1:5-6

And he is showing me truth that I could never have guessed. Although I knew he had healing for me, I didn’t know the least of how he would get me there. And I’m still amazed and befuddled by it. And, full disclosure, I question it. Because right now it’s hard to know what is truth.

But I see that these truths are not new to me. That he’s been showing me them the whole way. To prepare me for this season of life. To be accepting and willing to believe them. Because I wouldn’t have before.

You were running the race so well. Who has held you back from following the truth?  It certainly isn’t God, for he is the one who called you into freedom.
Galatians 5:7-8

He holds me above water and makes me work through the struggles so that I can let go and be free from the pain and lies that have been holding me back. And he will guide me to shore, where I can feel the warm sand between my toes and breathe in the warm air.

And smile.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
Galatians 5:1

What is your truth? What lies have you been listening too? Ask God to reveal them to you. I bet you will be surprised and even set free.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

Pausing to Heal

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Day 8: March 14, 2014 (1 day late)

Be still, and know that I am God.
Psalm 47:10

This is not only one of my life verses, it’s a message I’ve been receiving a lot lately. A LOT. And while I’m in a season of boring, as I call it, I keep wanting for more. More fun, more joy, more anything. Day in and day out right now I’m plugging along tackling one task, problem, issue at a time. And through it all (mostly) I am just existing. Or so it seems.

My existence each day is intentional. Its God’s plan for me to be in a season of still. Because without a time of pause in our lives now and then, we would never have the incredibly painful and rewarding opportunity to transform into who God wants us to be.

And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.
2 Corinthians 4:18

What God has gifted me is the time and space to explore the depths of who I was and who I am no longer. He has shown me where my hurts and regrets are holding me back from letting go and moving forward. He reminds me daily that I am loved. So loved. And he knows at the core of my soul I don’t believe that.

…and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may he filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Ephesians 4:19

He gave me incredible opportunities in the past year that stirred my heart in a way that began my revival. And now, in my time of pause, he is holding me close to work on healing. And while I am open to him showing me the pain I hold so close, I have not yet let him fully in to take it once and for all from me.

And mostly, I think I am afraid. I am afraid of the pain I might relive emotionally in order to move past it. And even though I know it will be so freeing, I am scared to let it go.

What pain are you holding on to? What does God want to release you from? Pray and ask him about it today.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

Excuses

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Day 7: March 12, 2014

Reasons I did not spend appropriate time blogging today:
1. I worked late
2. I unsuccessfully spent over an hour trying to reset my blog page design after I accidentally changed it. I hope you like the new design!
3. I fell asleep for a half hour sitting up while watching my son play Planets Versus Zombies.
4. I washed my hair.
5. I watched the latest episode of Brooklyn 99.
6. My bedtime is 9:00.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

Fakecation

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IMG_2013

These are my real feet in the sand. Because all my travel isn’t pretend.

Day 6: March 11, 2014

I love to travel. And mostly because I love getting away to places that help me regroup by forgetting about the busy of life for awhile.

But, often times, like now, I have no vacation plans, nor do I have money to fund one. Which leaves me at a loss when I feel the need to ‘get away’ creep in. So, I’ve found, the next best thing is planning what I call a Fakecation

Fakecation (faek kay shun) The act of browsing multiple travel sites and apps in search of a good deal to seemingly magical and relaxing destinations. Never results in real travel of any kind. (see daydreaming)

Kayak, Expedia, Trip Advisor, and now even Groupon have flooded my inbox with deals on travel. I hate them all for taunting me daily and reminding me of my meager vacation savings that wouldn’t likely pay for gas to drive to the next state. But, of course, I get sucked in each time I see ‘low fares to Maui’ in the subject line and click the link.

When I’m feeling really low, I start building trips using the reservation calendars. You know, just to see if a room is available for me during my imaginary time off. And when my shopping cart total reveals a small fortune in airfare and hotel fees, I sadly close the browser.

{sigh}

Someday, oh someday, I wish to just click purchase now. But, until then, I will continue to imagine my dream vacation and privately curse all of you on Facebook who post your travel pics.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

Unexpected

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Day 5: March 10, 2014

When I plan out my day, and I often do, I’m presenting myself with a predictable outcome. And that feels safe and normal. And when I wake up without a plan, I let uneasiness sink in because I feel unprepared. Which is likely a recipe for a day of second guessing myself for not making plans.

But the truth is, life is ALWAYS unexpected. We have no possible way of predicting the outcome no matter how many plans we make. Certainly I known if I eat too much sugar I will get a stomach-ache. But I might not know how bad. But on a broader level, life is filled with events that we never plan for.

I didn’t know I would have only one child. I didn’t know my dad would die when I was 20. I didn’t know my brother-in-law would someday need a heart transplant. I didn’t know I would wrong people. And I certainly didn’t know I would be saved from the unexpected by Jesus.

God’s presence in my life allows for trust and peace to trump worry and fear. His love gives me the comfort I need when I’m blown away by tragedy. His grace allows me to make mistakes and still be whole. And his strength is mine when I am crumpled by loss.

And because of this I can comfort others, even if they don’t know Jesus. And I can call on his love and strength through the Holy Spirit to bring peace to those who don’t understand why. Why life is unexpected and why bad things happen. Why can’t we worry and plan everything so we are never caught off guard?

And the answer is, because He wants us to rely on him for strength. And he wants us to ask him to guide us and follow HIS plans, and know and trust that we never need to worry. God knows what’s coming next. And he knows that if we look to him daily he will guide us and he will comfort us. And nothing surprises him and nothing is too big for him to handle.

My life has been everything but predictable, and I find a certain comfort knowing that God planned it out so I don’t have to.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

What are you holding on to? Why not let God take control for a while. Let life be unexpected.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links below to read other posts! Thanks for reading!

In the Moment

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Day 4: March 8, 2013

Today I drove 30 miles one way to watch my son perform a percussion ensemble lasting less than one minute.

To many reading this, including myself, this seems completely ridiculous and a massive waste of time and energy. When you consider the value of time in our day, the wear and tear on your car, and the cost of gas, this energy spent is not equal to a 50 or so second performance. And since I work hard to drive myself crazy with massive amounts of rationale, this situation could easily spin me out of control.

But you know what? I loved every second of it.

And this shocked me.

But the cool thing is, I realized that I am growing. I am letting go of the details and just living in the moment. I loved every second I spent riding in silence in the car (it was early) with my teen. I relished in the fact that I could be there with him and for him. And even if it wasn’t a huge deal to him, I was thankful for that chance to watch and listen to my son demonstrate his musical talent and the ease at which he just shows up and gets things done.

I am blessed.

And I’m really starting to figure out just how much.

And God has shown me that my getting caught up in details has blinded me to the opportunities to embrace life and love. And He wants me to stop building walls made out of what ifs and start climbing over the heaps of worry, guilt, and regret so I can see clearly the beauty right in front of me.

What a peaceful and joyful place He has put me.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links below to read other posts! Thanks for reading!

The Warmth of the Son

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Day 3: March 7, 2014

{queue music} Sunshine on my shoulder makes me happyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

The sun is out people. And in Western Washington (state), this can be a rare occurrence. And I think it’s 60 degrees, which allows folks around here the right to wear flip-flops and, dare I say, shorts. We love our quick glimpses of sun and, typically, take full advantage of the outdoors when it appears.

As for me, I’m sitting INSIDE watching it out my (very filthy) window. Right now I’m in a sunbeam that feels good and warm. My cat is comatose by it. And I’m happy. I’m happy just to know it’s there and not have to jump out in it. My phone (Runkeeper) even told me to go exercise, but instead I sit. I see the bright sun through my dirty window and I love it. For today, just knowing it’s there gives me joy.

And it reminds me of the love God has for me (and for you). That he’s there, shining bright, and giving me (us) warmth, comfort, and joy. And I don’t have to jump out and experience him just because I notice he’s out there, but, instead, just knowing he’s there is sometimes all I need. Knowing he’s there for me gives me a peace I can’t get anywhere or anyway else. Knowing he’s there reminds me of everything he’s given me, of the plans he has for me, and of the way he adores me. Knowing he’s there is everything he wants us to understand about his love for us.

He loves us ALWAYS even when we aren’t actively pursuing him. He is there. And it’s through His love that I (we) can shine bright for others. That I (we) can just be there, loving them, being like Jesus, and showing them truth and comfort. And that is what fills my heart and my soul. And that is exactly what God wants for us.

And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. Ephesians 3:18 NLT

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links below to read other posts! Thanks for reading!

 

Choices

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Day 2: March 6, 2014

Life, to me, is a series of decisions. Moment by moment, day by day, and year by year. I feel most of the time that I suck at making decisions. Often its because I’m driven by emotion and whatever is happening right now. And, unfortunately, I continually forget to bring God in and ask his opinion on the matter. I think I worry that he will tell me something I don’t want to hear. Like, “get the salad instead of the hamburger.” But, in all seriousness, he ALWAYS has a better plan than me.

I’m not sure if I will ever fully break the habit of relying solely on myself when making tough decisions. But I’d like to at least try harder at consulting the One who created me more often than not.

I’ve had an emotional day for a variety of reasons, and I’ve had to make some tough choices. But today I looked to God for help, and he brought me through it just like he always does. And even when I wasn’t sure I’d heard him correctly, he showed me this:
We know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. Romans 8:28

And, in my hard day, this comforts me. Because even if I don’t understand it all right now, he does. And that’s all I need.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links below to read other posts! Thanks for reading!

40 Days of Blogging

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March 5, 2014

Today, on the first day of Lent, I’ve decided to give up a few things. I’m giving up making myself too busy to blog. I’m giving up the notion that I don’t have much to say. I’m giving up the fear of saying the wrong thing. Instead, I’m giving myself a free pass to write every day from now until Easter, no matter what. It might be a short post, it might be a chapter, or even an attempt at poetry. Whatever I feel called to write, it’s going to happen. No matter what.

Also, during this time, I’m following a 40 day devotional called “ReThink Life” on my bible app as a means to participate in the spiritual discipline of bible study. This may sound like a lot, but if I know anything, I know that spending time with God is ALWAYS life giving, and never a waste of my day.

I hope you join me during this journey. And maybe think of this time as a way to grow, rather than a time of going without.

See you here tomorrow!