I haven’t slept for two nights. And by that I mean I probably slept a few hours, but mostly tossed and turned. I want to blame it on the full moon, or the unusually warm weather, because external causes are easy to point fingers at. However, even IF those things affected my slumber, the real culprit is Me.

I’ve been feeling this extremely annoying stir in myself for quite a while. It’s sort of like the feeling of a knot in your gut, but mostly like I’m claustrophobic. Sometimes I feel like I want to run to a far away place and start my life again. Sometimes I just want to RUN (which I’m lame at). Sometimes I want to let go of all my worries and just experience joy for even five minutes. I feel trapped in my own self. I can’t seem to escape the constant noise blaring in my head. And it’s not just noise, but jumbles and jumbles and jumbles of thoughts. Worries, sadness, fleeting ideas, desires, plans, self hate, regret, what ifs, whys, confusion, doubt, and fear.

I would guess if a radio station (wait, let me be ‘hip’ and say ‘Spotify’ or ‘Pandora’) had a play list like the one that goes on in my head, they wouldn’t get a lot of listeners. I know I wouldn’t listen, I’d change the channel. So, why can’t I change THIS channel? The one that BLARES in my head 24/7? What keeps me tuned in?

I’ll tell you what; It’s that I CHOOSE to listen. I choose to focus on these thoughts. I choose to let these thoughts stir me up and make me feel trapped. I choose my OWN self over God. I hold on to all of this because I’m not willing to let go of the control. As long as I’M thinking about these things, and working to solve the problems and worries in my life, then I still have CONTROL. When you think about it, it’s like managing a bunch of idiots. You know, like if a group of people worked for you, but were all incompetent for their positions. But, instead of replacing them with qualified people, you just keep trying to micro manage the heck out of them, and then eventually just do the jobs yourself.

God is qualified to do the job of managing my life. He created me. He thought of me before he created the world. He’s got this. But I choose not to hire him to take control of my life. And, as I stumble through trying to manage the idiocy of the noise in my head, I grow farther and farther from Him. Thankfully, he’s got more patience than me, and he waits. He waits for me to turn to him. He has his hand on the volume knob. He’s ready to turn down that noise as soon as I ask him to.

“Be still and know that I am God…” Psalm 46:10

This verse made its way into the jumble of my thoughts last weekend. And I held on to it tightly for a few days. And I understood what God was saying to me. And I let him take control of the noise for a little while. And then I took it back again because I didn’t see things changing. I didn’t see my problems solved yet. So I felt I needed to worry about them again. I let the sadness and anxiety creep back in. And, even though I’ve prayed and read the Word every day, the noise has washed out the message. So, here I am, again, wanting relief from my own self talk. And He is there. Again.

“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal” 2 Corinthians 4:18

Are you feeling overwhelmed by the ‘noise’ in your head? The ‘noise’ of life even? What brings you peace and relief from it? If you haven’t given the control to God yet, give it a try. I challenge you to find anything other than peace when you do so.