I just realized it’s been exactly one year ago today that I did my final ‘dunk’ for the Ridge Summer Fitness Challenge. It was the end of 8 grueling and life changing weeks that took over literally my entire summer. Some of you joined me in the competition and some just followed my progress and weekly blogging. Throughout the challenge, my life changed physically, mentally, and spiritually.

My personal growth is attributed mostly to the fact that I took on a challenge that scared the crap out of me. I dislike exercise, and hate watching what I eat. I had to find a way to control the situation when I felt completely vulnerable. So, I asked for help. I worked with a nutritionist and met with a trainer, but, most of all, I prayed, and ask God to walk this journey out with me and give me the strength that I did not posses myself.

With God, my husband, and friends at my side, I took the challenge on the only way I knew how. ALL IN. I used the expression, “balls to the wall”, and lived that out. I don’t do anything half ass, and I DON’T like to lose. My personal strategy was to do everything possible to win. Along the way, I learned that also meant encouraging and inspiring others and not just focusing on myself.

After years of feeling unhealthy and a bit overweight, I exceeded my goals and won the competition. But, what I really won, was the renewed belief in myself.

So, here I am today, still feeling a renewed me, but carrying a heavy burden of disappointment, with a side of disbelief. You see, I’ve gained some of that weight back that I worked so hard to lose. And I’m feeling like it’s not possible for me to be “balls to the wall” again. That was really a one time deal. But, since I have a personality of extremes, I don’t know how to tackle this ‘one day at a time’.

I have some reasons or ‘excuses’ as to why I’ve put on a few. Everything from an injury, to our ‘extended winter’. Let’s just combine all of those into the bucket of ‘depression’. The king of all evils in my life who takes hold of me oh so easily. In a weird way, I think I let it take over, so I don’t have to really be accountable for anything at all.

My point? I want to feel that drive to exercise and eat well. I want to encourage and inspire others through my actions. I want to redeem myself and not feel like a disappointment to others who look to me as a role model. I want to find a way to beat this. I want to get off this hamster wheel and win the fight against this reoccurring battle with myself.