truth

Too Bored to Blog

taintedfishsticks Leave a comment

I am bored out of my mind. Seriously. I have NOTHING going on of any importance or interest. I am embarrassed to admit how many episodes of Gossip Girl and 90210 (the new series) I have watched on Netflix in the past few months. I have spent hours sitting on the couch perpetuating my back issues simply because I have nothing better to do and have a renewed dislike for the gym.

Along with doing nothing, I have been neglecting my blog. I decided that because I am so bored, I have absolutely nothing of importance to share with anyone. I mean, who the heck wants to hear about what B did to S or who Naomi’s latest boyfriend is? I want my blog to be inspiring, funny, encouraging, and important. Trashy tv dramas do NOT fit any of those categories.

But, I am also reminded, thanks to friends that get me, that what people like most about my writing, is the honesty. I agree, I AM a truth teller, but so often have a tough time sharing the UGLY truth about me.

The obvious truth is I want to be perfect for everyone. I want to be loved, and at least liked. I want to do something of importance. I want to contribute positively to this world. I want to affect change in others’ lives. And I want to find joy through all of it.

The current truth is I’ve been feeling lonely, empty, useless, depressed, and bored. I don’t even know what to do when someone else doesn’t need me, or when I don’t have a project to finish. How did I get to the point of having virtually no interests of my own, and no idea what I would even LIKE to do?

I really don’t have time to be bored anymore. I must use this time to face the ugliness so I can move forward. I have to be quiet enough to hear the things I’m drowning out with ‘busy’. I have to look inside myself and make sure I am taking care of ME. This time of quiet, or boredom as I’ve seen it, has presented me with my ugly truth. The truth that I look to find ALL my worth through helping others, and have given up my own joy in the process. It’s time to find myself again, while I have the chance. It’s time to find my real truth and my real joy.

What You See Is What You Get

taintedfishsticks 3 Comments

People think I’m complicated. This is baffling to me. Honestly, what you see and hear is what you get. Yes, I said hear, cause I verbalize my thoughts and feelings. A lot.

I know a lot of people. The over 500 Facebook friend count doesn’t even scratch the surface of how many people I call acquaintance. No, I’m not being braggy, it’s just a fact. I’ve been around for 40 some odd years and have met a lot of people along the way. Many I’ve kept in contact with, and several I’ve chosen not to. (Or the other way around, as it may be.). In my life I always felt my worth was determined by others, which might be why I’ve tried so hard to stay on contact with people. For example, if someone appeared to not like me, or maybe didn’t include me in something, I felt crappy, like I wasn’t good enough for them. Like, why the heck wouldn’t people like me?! Because I’m complicated to some, apparently.

I would be lying of I said I still didn’t look to others to determine some of my worth. But, I can say, I’m working on this. Cause everybody’s not gonna like me, and I, for sure, don’t like everyone either.

With all the people I know, encounter, and keep in contact with, only a handful of them are part of my inner circle. These are the people that totally get me and understand why I don’t think I’m complicated. These are the people who accept me no matter what and who come to me when they want the truth. And these are the people that were put in my life for a reason. This circle isn’t static, because people come and go in your life. Some, like my husband, have always been there, but others have drifted away, perhaps to make room for someone new. But, what remains the same is me, and my role as friend, encourager, helper, and confidante. Because that’s who I truly am. And I don’t think that’s complicated at all.