truth

I’ll take a pass on NYE

taintedfishsticks 1 Comment

It’s New Year’s Eve. That moment each year where you celebrate the past and make positive plans for the future. And maybe drink a little.

I want so much to be able to celebrate this past year. And I want so much to feel hopeful for the next one. I really really do. But I sit here in such a dark place that I may have to just let this night and the next day pass. Without thankfulness and without hope.

As much as we all try each year to gather our feelings together and start fresh, I’m certain that most of us are faking it. Or at least we are confused by our NYE buzz. Because we all know that that hope and expectation we put on the coming year is mostly going to be forgotten by the second week of January.

And that’s just a normal reality. But my current state is not normal. Or not okay. And that just happens to be where I am right at this minute. With no regard to tradition. And while I’m not okay with it, I have to accept it.

2015 ripped out all my insides and spit them back out. If you don’t know the story, the short version is a major cross-country move due to a job change. Our world as we’ve always known it was pulled out from under us and we couldn’t ever have imagined how incredibly devastating it would be.

I have never known so much grief, pain and darkness in my life. I have never lost so much hope. I have never lost my heart and my soul. But all of these things happened in 2015.

And as I sit here, truly thankful to be spending this night in my home town, I am still just as lost and still just as empty. Because I haven’t yet healed. And I am still mourning the loss of my former life.

When you disconnect from your heart and your soul and you are separated from all that you know and all those you love, it’s a challenge just to get up each morning. It really is. And when all of those who know you to be the strong and courageous one don’t understand your pain or don’t know how to comfort you, this journey of darkness seems endless and ever lonely.

And all you want is for it to stop. In impossible ways, I want for it to go away and to have never been. I want it to be a nightmare that has and end. But I know in my mind that it just can’t ever be what it once was.

And as I wrestle with all that I have experienced in the past year, and I know that more challenge awaits me in 2016 I just want for some of it, any of it, to be bearable. And for the period of hurting to be redeemed and turned to joy.

2015 didn’t break me, but it certainly tried and I honestly fear what 2016 has in store.

I want the tears to stop. I want the physical hurt to be healed. I want my heart and my soul to come back. And I want to be that strong and courageous and encouraging person again. I miss her so much.

So right where I am, right at this moment, I just might need 2016 to show me some grace and release expectation. And I will put my hope in God to carry me, as He already has, into the next days and weeks and months. And perhaps at this time next year I will have a much different and richer story to share.

For those who just might want to put this past year behind them, my heart is with you. You are my people. We are in the same place. And let’s hope that our journey and our story is being written to help others we may encounter in our life. And that our current circumstance is not the end.

For those who are celebrating tonight, I love you. You are my encouragement in dark times. And you deserve all the joy you have received. What you do matters.

For all of us, may we find understanding and meaning no matter where we are and no matter where we are going in the coming year.

 

 

My Real Christmas Letter

taintedfishsticks 2 Comments

xmas card blogFor the first time ever, (I think), I included a note in our Christmas card. I don’t really want to call it a letter, because it was only a quarter sheet of paper and was a quick read. I felt the need to include it somehow because I wanted to let people know that life isn’t really unicorns and rainbows as I might portray on social media sometimes.

As real as the letter reads, it’s not the whole truth, but just enough to, hopefully, give a glimpse of the real life happening behind the curtain.

This year life has been really challenging for us. And God told me it was going to be way back in January. And I only half believed him.

I heard the part about how my husband was going to experience some really cool and huge life change this year. But I didn’t expect it to be him losing his job of almost 20 years.

I heard him tell me that he had been preparing me for good and solid challenge. I didn’t hear that it would come by way of my 14-year-old son.

I heard him say he was going to show me pure joy. I didn’t hear that it might only be found by dragging me through some of my past junk so that I would work to let it go.

This year has not been what I expected at all. AT ALL. And when coming off probably the most incredible and spiritually fulfilling years ever (2013), I can honestly say I’m disappointed. God took me through some scary but super amazing stuff last year. And now I feel I’ve been thrown into a pit. Left to die.

I know in my heart it’s not possible for God to give me this year of challenge, of wait, and of change without purpose. I know in my heart that every step, good and bad, he’s taken me through is all to prepare me for what’s next. And I know in my heart God always comes through with something so much more amazing and life-giving that any of my plans.

But I’m tired. And I’m sad.

I want to know His plan for me. I want to get to the good stuff RIGHT NOW. I can’t possibly wait any longer to find out what he has for me.

But I know in my heart I have to. I need to.

I know through all of this God is showing me that I’m still not letting go. That I’m telling him I believe in his plan, but I’m still trying to orchestrate it on my own terms. He knows this. He knows me better than I know myself. And he’s just sitting there waiting for me to finally give up control.

So, as I wrote our Christmas note this year, I presented the idea that maybe our life wasn’t that awesome. And it’s not. But without this time to reflect and learn, we would never grow in our journey. We would stay the same and continue to present a false happiness.

And I’m thankful, SO THANKFUL, that God doesn’t ever give up on me. And that He knows always what’s best for me. And I can’t wait to see how this growth propels me into the next season of our life.

I don’t know what will happen next. But I know that God will redeem our struggles this year and we will all come out the other end full of gratitude and, dare I say, JOY.

May the God of hope fill you will all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.                                                                Romans 15:13

What challenges are you facing? Have you really and truly given them to God? What is he telling you?

ps….First blog post since April. APRIL. I can’t ever go this long without doing what I absolutely love…writing! Thanks for reading!

 

The Path of Hope

taintedfishsticks Leave a comment

Day 21, April 11, 2014

This is the day the Lord has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it.
Psalm 118:24

Last night, when I wasn’t sleeping due to a chocolate ice cream indulgence, I heard God say very clearly to me, “Enough of your worry! It’s time to find joy in every day. Choose joy.” God’s voice often sounds like my  voice, but I can usually tell when it’s him and not me. Mostly because my preference is to dwell on the yuck and never believe joy is available to me.

Why do we choose darkness over light? Why do we let our worries consume us? Why do we live waiting for the next problem to come along? For me, it’s because somewhere along the way I decided I’m not worthy of good things hanging around for long.

My thoughts never really ‘verbalize’ this feeling clearly, but certainly continue to emphasize that trouble is probably right around the corner if anything is looking good at the moment. I grew up feeling fearful most of the time. I lacked security. No horrible experience created that feeling, but my environment was unstable enough that I never felt comfortable.

I created a life of concern and a future of hopelessness. In my mind.

I didn’t grow up knowing Jesus, but I’m pretty sure I believed in God. It just made sense that he was out there somewhere making things happen all around me. I believed he was the one who protected me from harm, but not so much the one that made me feel whole. Because I never did.

And bad things did happen to and around me. Things I worried about came true. And I held on to the notion that my worry was some sort of future predictor. My experience proved it. So I never experienced hope much because I knew there was always a way for it to get crushed. Too much hope would always end in disappointment.

God did not create us to be driven by false hope.

God created us to put our hope and future in His hands. To let the Holy Spirit guide our every step and let Jesus feed our comfort and crush our worry. He has things figured out already and asks us to trust him in that. And as I continue to learn and grow closer in my relationship with him, I am living a life of letting go of the worry when it shows up, trusting that God has this handled, and asking him for the tools to get through it.

God HAS always been there as my protector. He was there calling to me most if my life, but it took a bit for me to answer. And when I did, the transformation towards peace began.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
Psalm 40:2

He calls me to trust him and to live a life filled with joy and real hope. He wants that for me and he wants that for you. Will you choose to follow the path of hope today? I will.

this post  is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

The Art of Encouragement

taintedfishsticks Leave a comment

Day 19: April 4, 2014

{I broke my stride on my way to 40 blogs for Lent. Here is #19, 7 days late}

I find myself, once again, being humbled by circumstance. This time I see a mirror reflection of myself in my son.

Is it just me, or does it sometimes feel like our children grabbed hold of our worst qualities and make them their own? Why does my son have to be excellent at arguing? And fibbing (lying). Why can he morph himself to almost any situation? Why can he make that horrifically mean face so well? Why does his attitude change like the wind? And why can I not, for the life if me, figure out how to relate to my mirror image self?

I’ve come to the conclusion that, if presented with the opportunity, I would be my own worst enemy.

This helps me understand, perhaps, why I am not doing the best job motivating my son to make doing well in school a priority. I am an annoyance. My ways of encouragement are irritating at best. My controlling approach is a buzz kill.  My presence is loathsome.

Fact:
I hate, more than anything, for someone to tell me that their way is better than mine.

Fact:
I don’t like anyone, ever, pointing out obvious things to me, (like I should be exercising if I want to get in shape.)

Fact:
I am, at all times, fully aware of my shortcomings and lack of effort and do not care for others telling me I am not working hard enough.

Fact:
I get bored easily and do not like working much at improving my skills at anything. If I don’t know how to do it, I probably won’t make the effort to learn.

Fact:
I’m pretty sure my son shares all of the same traits above and I’m pretty sure I have done all of the above to him.

So, let’s turn the tables while I work to encourage myself to blog. I love writing. Probably more than anything. But it takes time, effort, and hard work. It takes practice, it takes focus. And I truly want to write for a living someday. But I am afraid. I am afraid of the hard work and the focus and that I’m just not good enough. And when people encourage me to write, I sometimes shut down. And I make up excuses that I don’t have time or anything to share. Total lies. (fibs).

I proved to myself, by writing 18 blog posts in (about) 20 or so days, that I could do this. It was hard. I stayed up late because that’s when I had free time. I pushed myself to work up to my potential. And then I fell. And crumpled into a ball. I let life get in the way and I realized I was not going to reach my goal. So I kept putting it off. And the days kept stacking up. And I was aware, the whole time, that I had failed.

Overwhelmed and uninspired, I have re-encouraged myself to move forward. I made up the 40 day challenge, and I will keep going until I finish, no matter how long that takes.

Seeing the same patterns in my son gives me both worry and hope. I worry he will never live up to the potential we all see simply because he doesn’t want to do the work to get there. I worry the piles of work will look too daunting and he will never believe he can jump back in.

But I have hope that he WILL learn to encourage himself the way he needs it, and that I will learn the same.

In the meantime, I’ve offered him one dollar for every assignment he finishes.

It’s a start. And, so far, it’s working.

this post  is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

 

The Right Path

taintedfishsticks Leave a comment

Day 14: March 24, 2014

Lord give me rest.

The tasks, the to dos, the emails, the events, the choices, the effort, the waking hours.

I can’t navigate any of it by myself. But, believe me, I’ve tried.

I’ve really tried.

And each time I find only confusion, frustration, and dead ends.

Because I am trying to work by my own power. By my own strength.

Without calling on the One who is there to support and guide me.

My true to do list is created by God.

It’s not a list at all, but instead a path where God shows me the next best step.

One at a time.

The steps may be hard, and definitely challenging.

But they are always clear and right.

Even if I am uncertain the outcome.

Lord give me rest and show me my next best step.

Guide me away from my path and onto yours.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

Death to Life

taintedfishsticks Leave a comment

Day 13: March 22, 2014

At the beginning of this year, God told me he had an incredible amount of healing in store for me. And he revealed it to me in a dream. It was so clear and clean and bright. In fact, at first, I thought he was telling me I was going to die. Because it was filled with and open field, blue sky, bright white light, and peace.

In fact, he WAS showing me death.

He was revealing that I would have the opportunity this year to finally work towards letting go of the guilt, the condemnation that I so tightly grip on to. The negative reel that plays in my head constantly. The attention I give to the things in my life I can’t let go of.

He showed me that I can let all of that go by letting those lies die.

God calls us to do two things in life: Love Him with all our heart, our soul, and our mind. And to love others as ourselves. If you don’t analyze this too much, it’s pretty simple. But the reality is more difficult that I’d ever imagined. Because I need to first love myself the way God loves me. I have to receive His love first.

And I have been holding on to the notion that I am not good enough for God to love me.

I really have.

And that manifests itself in a lot of ways. Mostly in my ability to accept love from others in my life and to show others how much I care and love for them. And, to be honest, I thought I just wasn’t capable of getting past the junk to be able to let other people in.

But God has continued to pound the message of I LOVE YOU over and over and over again this past year. And I have been listening, but not yet believing. As a Christ Follower, this is a real tough thing to admit. I’m basically saying that I claim to be far in my walk with God, but have yet to accomplish the first and basic step.

Or maybe I just hoped no one, not even God, would notice that detail. But, obviously, you can’t get anything past God. Doesn’t matter how we sugar coat it. He knows.

He KNOWS.

He knows that I struggle with accepting his unconditional love. He knew it all along. And he knew that it would take a lot of personal experience for me to understand this myself. And to move forward towards opening up my heart fully to him.

And as I s-l-o-w-l-y come to terms with all of this. I see him opening my eyes a little more every day as to WHY I hold my heart so close. And some of it is painful and scary. Some of it, a lot of it, is very surprising to me. And some of it is so obvious I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.

But ALL of it is easily overcome with Jesus at my side. ALL OF IT.

Because of this, I am joyful and I am hopeful. I see God working on his promise to me. And I will continue to work with him one step at a time. Not rushed, not in my own way or schedule. But just as He has planned it. And as we work together on this, we will build our friendship and trust.

And I will find that healing I so desperately long for.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

What Did I Miss?

taintedfishsticks Leave a comment

Day 12: March 19, 2014

Nothing amazing or inspiring happened today. Just a real life go to work, have dinner, and run errands kind of Wednesday.

Full disclosure: My husband and I maneuvered around the grocery store in avoidance of people we didn’t have the energy to talk to. This meant we sacrificed the ice cream we so desperately wanted. Only to have the same people pull up behind us in line.

We managed zero eye contact and noted later that they did not say hi either. I’m not sure who won that game, but somehow I felt bad about the whole thing.

What if we were meant to see each other and the repeated attempts to head down the aisle for ice cream and the appearance of the family behind us in line were instead opportunities for us to chat? Because I’ve definitely had those encounters, and usually when I gave in to the prompting to say hello they are meaningful.

Sometimes we are presented with great things that we are simply too self absorbed to take part in. And we miss out on something that was part of our path. Part of God’s plan. Thankfully he never stops working on us and never gives up giving us grace for our human behavior.

I’d like to think I’ll be more aware next time he puts someone in my path. And instead of playing it my way, I will trust that his intention is far more rewarding than my few minutes of not talking to anyone.

God help me be present and aware of what you have for me. And give me grace the next time I completely blow it. Cause you know I will.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

The Facebook Chronicles

taintedfishsticks 2 Comments

Day 11: March 18, 2014

It’s kind of weird to think the last 8 years of my life have been somewhat documented on social media. And even though I don’t want to be all ‘big brother’ creepers out by it, I kind of am.

But, creepers or not, I’m kind of glad because it’s likely I wouldn’t have remembered some of the best (and worst) parts of my late30early40ish life.

Every once on awhile I find myself looking back at photos and posts. I guess I’m sort of Facebook stalking myself. And when I do this, I remember some really cool things that happened and think that my best times must be behind me because I can’t remember the last time my life was so great.

Like when I had way more fun with girlfriends. And I when I worked hard to be in the best shape of my life. And when I looked so smiley and happy. And tan.

And most of the posts and pictures represent the good times. And it’s easy to think life was great for me. And even though I was there, even I am fooled into believing what I see.

Behind all of that awesome certainly lived a lot of yuck.

But that kind of stuff doesn’t read well when people are usually looking at social media hoping to find something better than what they might be dealing with at the time.

Let’s think for a moment about how a lot of us are posting cool/fun/happy stuff to (hopefully) make others think our life is awesome. And when we look at our friends’ cool/fun/happy posts it makes US think their life is awesome and reminds us, perhaps, that ours is not.

But we are all likely in the same miserable place.

And not connecting with each other about, and finding healing for, our real life ugly junk.

Cause we certainly wouldn’t want the world to know we don’t have our stuff together.

I’m thankful to have people in my life who I can share my ugly junk with. And I’m certainly not the most poker faced smiley person you’ll ever meet. And I hope that my honesty about dealing with yuck behind what you might see on social media helps you understand that we are all just trying to get through each day.

And I really do hope that we truly experience a piece of real joy every single day. Even in our mess.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

The Warmth of the Son

taintedfishsticks Leave a comment

Day 3: March 7, 2014

{queue music} Sunshine on my shoulder makes me happyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

The sun is out people. And in Western Washington (state), this can be a rare occurrence. And I think it’s 60 degrees, which allows folks around here the right to wear flip-flops and, dare I say, shorts. We love our quick glimpses of sun and, typically, take full advantage of the outdoors when it appears.

As for me, I’m sitting INSIDE watching it out my (very filthy) window. Right now I’m in a sunbeam that feels good and warm. My cat is comatose by it. And I’m happy. I’m happy just to know it’s there and not have to jump out in it. My phone (Runkeeper) even told me to go exercise, but instead I sit. I see the bright sun through my dirty window and I love it. For today, just knowing it’s there gives me joy.

And it reminds me of the love God has for me (and for you). That he’s there, shining bright, and giving me (us) warmth, comfort, and joy. And I don’t have to jump out and experience him just because I notice he’s out there, but, instead, just knowing he’s there is sometimes all I need. Knowing he’s there for me gives me a peace I can’t get anywhere or anyway else. Knowing he’s there reminds me of everything he’s given me, of the plans he has for me, and of the way he adores me. Knowing he’s there is everything he wants us to understand about his love for us.

He loves us ALWAYS even when we aren’t actively pursuing him. He is there. And it’s through His love that I (we) can shine bright for others. That I (we) can just be there, loving them, being like Jesus, and showing them truth and comfort. And that is what fills my heart and my soul. And that is exactly what God wants for us.

And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. Ephesians 3:18 NLT

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links below to read other posts! Thanks for reading!

 

Choices

taintedfishsticks Leave a comment

Day 2: March 6, 2014

Life, to me, is a series of decisions. Moment by moment, day by day, and year by year. I feel most of the time that I suck at making decisions. Often its because I’m driven by emotion and whatever is happening right now. And, unfortunately, I continually forget to bring God in and ask his opinion on the matter. I think I worry that he will tell me something I don’t want to hear. Like, “get the salad instead of the hamburger.” But, in all seriousness, he ALWAYS has a better plan than me.

I’m not sure if I will ever fully break the habit of relying solely on myself when making tough decisions. But I’d like to at least try harder at consulting the One who created me more often than not.

I’ve had an emotional day for a variety of reasons, and I’ve had to make some tough choices. But today I looked to God for help, and he brought me through it just like he always does. And even when I wasn’t sure I’d heard him correctly, he showed me this:
We know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. Romans 8:28

And, in my hard day, this comforts me. Because even if I don’t understand it all right now, he does. And that’s all I need.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links below to read other posts! Thanks for reading!