life

I’ll take a pass on NYE

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It’s New Year’s Eve. That moment each year where you celebrate the past and make positive plans for the future. And maybe drink a little.

I want so much to be able to celebrate this past year. And I want so much to feel hopeful for the next one. I really really do. But I sit here in such a dark place that I may have to just let this night and the next day pass. Without thankfulness and without hope.

As much as we all try each year to gather our feelings together and start fresh, I’m certain that most of us are faking it. Or at least we are confused by our NYE buzz. Because we all know that that hope and expectation we put on the coming year is mostly going to be forgotten by the second week of January.

And that’s just a normal reality. But my current state is not normal. Or not okay. And that just happens to be where I am right at this minute. With no regard to tradition. And while I’m not okay with it, I have to accept it.

2015 ripped out all my insides and spit them back out. If you don’t know the story, the short version is a major cross-country move due to a job change. Our world as we’ve always known it was pulled out from under us and we couldn’t ever have imagined how incredibly devastating it would be.

I have never known so much grief, pain and darkness in my life. I have never lost so much hope. I have never lost my heart and my soul. But all of these things happened in 2015.

And as I sit here, truly thankful to be spending this night in my home town, I am still just as lost and still just as empty. Because I haven’t yet healed. And I am still mourning the loss of my former life.

When you disconnect from your heart and your soul and you are separated from all that you know and all those you love, it’s a challenge just to get up each morning. It really is. And when all of those who know you to be the strong and courageous one don’t understand your pain or don’t know how to comfort you, this journey of darkness seems endless and ever lonely.

And all you want is for it to stop. In impossible ways, I want for it to go away and to have never been. I want it to be a nightmare that has and end. But I know in my mind that it just can’t ever be what it once was.

And as I wrestle with all that I have experienced in the past year, and I know that more challenge awaits me in 2016 I just want for some of it, any of it, to be bearable. And for the period of hurting to be redeemed and turned to joy.

2015 didn’t break me, but it certainly tried and I honestly fear what 2016 has in store.

I want the tears to stop. I want the physical hurt to be healed. I want my heart and my soul to come back. And I want to be that strong and courageous and encouraging person again. I miss her so much.

So right where I am, right at this moment, I just might need 2016 to show me some grace and release expectation. And I will put my hope in God to carry me, as He already has, into the next days and weeks and months. And perhaps at this time next year I will have a much different and richer story to share.

For those who just might want to put this past year behind them, my heart is with you. You are my people. We are in the same place. And let’s hope that our journey and our story is being written to help others we may encounter in our life. And that our current circumstance is not the end.

For those who are celebrating tonight, I love you. You are my encouragement in dark times. And you deserve all the joy you have received. What you do matters.

For all of us, may we find understanding and meaning no matter where we are and no matter where we are going in the coming year.

 

 

Until The Next Goodbye

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Day 17: March 27, 2014

Our next door neighbors just moved. 4th family to live in that house since we’ve been in ours. This family was there for such a short time, we didn’t really get the chance to know them well. The two families before that we became good friends with.

But they all moved.

Last summer our best friends moved from 2 blocks away to several thousand miles away. My brother and family moved 6 hours drive time away. My Uncle passed away.

People leave.

Not sure why I have experienced so many goodbyes in the last year. But I know it’s really sucked. My heart feels ripped out. And sad.

What are we supposed to do when we experience loss?

For me, MY answer is to just be sad and feel sorry for myself. I cry a lot about it. I get depressed. I decide that it’s not worth getting close to anyone else because they will probably leave too.

How can we experience life if we shut out opportunities to be with people?

We don’t. When we protect ourselves from hurt by being alone, we don’t ever experience life. God created us to do life with other people. The thing is, we don’t get to choose for how long that is.

People come into our life for a period of time.

If I had it my way, people in my life would stay forever. Of course any mean or annoying ones would not. But those who I adore would always be here with me. They would never move and they would never die.

But God’s perfect time is never the same as mine.

I have a long list of incredible people in my life that I have access to right now. And I’ve pushed them all out because I’m tired from loss. I’m weary from sadness.

And I’m missing out on living life with others.

Who knew it would be so hard for me to reach out and grab hold of my friends? Those who already love me and those who are probably just waiting for me to dig out of my hole. And I’m embarrassed to admit that I think I’ve known I’m intentionally staying here, even when I blame it on busy.

It’s time to let others back in.

And even if I know that people leave, for various reasons, it should never keep me away from enjoying the time I DO have with them. It should never determine my willingness to develop new relationships. It should never keep me from living right now.

Because right now is all the time we have for sure.

As I wrote about yesterday, part of being a Christ Follower is living life differently. One specific thing is to do life with others. Not ever wallow away by myself. And if I’m going all in for this, it’s time to take part is one of the best life-giving experiences ever – people!

Life is so much better with others to share it with!

Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart,
    and the pleasantness of a friend
    springs from their heartfelt advice
Proverbs 27:9

Do you ever find yourself ‘hiding’ from the world? Do you use your busy to protect your heart?

this post  is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

A Narrow Road to Life

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Day 16: March 26, 2014

“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.”
Matthew 7:13-14

These verses really got me thinking yesterday.

As I navigate through my life as a Christ Follower, I struggle, as many do, in understanding why I have to be so different. Why I must do the uncomfortable and follow much of what seems weird to most of the world. The narrow gate and road.

From the outside, it might just seem like I love the Bible, my church, and prayer. And I can see why you’d think that. Because often I write about such things. But certainly this isn’t what it’s all about. Because I know personally people who are great Bible scholars, ‘religiously’ attend church, and pray constantly. But it’s what’s behind all that ‘fluff’ where you see who is really following God.

Wow, that sounds incredibly judgey. So, keep with me here, I’m hoping to bring this around to something good.

The Bible is amazing, and even those who are not actively following Christ can get a lot of great stuff out of it. Real solid good advice and encouragement. Like, don’t sleep with your neighbor’s wife. Stuff like that. And attending church can be really uplifting. Even if you aren’t entirely sold on what is being said. And I don’t know a single person that doesn’t at least use the word ‘pray’ every once in awhile.

These are all GREAT tools and gifts God has given the world.

But it’s the paths we take, the behavior we exhibit, the choices we make, the sacrifices we make that truly mark our willingness to be all in for God. For Jesus.

And these things build character because they are often opposite of what we’ve been used to. What I’VE been used to most of my life. Which makes them uncomfortable, unappealing, and unpopular.

Following the teaching of Jesus means stepping out of your old ways and stepping into new ones. Not just reading the Bible and going to church. And as uncomfortable as they seem, and as weird as they might sound, they are all more life giving than anything that conforms to the ‘norm’.

So, I continue to struggle with my new normal. And I continue to receive life from carefully, and slowly, walking that narrow road. Because what God has for me is more fulfilling than anything this world can give.

Anything.

So what road are YOU on? The wide and open gate of the world? Or the narrow one, the different one, that leads to life?

He has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time,
2 Timothy 1:9

this post  is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

 

Death to Life

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Day 13: March 22, 2014

At the beginning of this year, God told me he had an incredible amount of healing in store for me. And he revealed it to me in a dream. It was so clear and clean and bright. In fact, at first, I thought he was telling me I was going to die. Because it was filled with and open field, blue sky, bright white light, and peace.

In fact, he WAS showing me death.

He was revealing that I would have the opportunity this year to finally work towards letting go of the guilt, the condemnation that I so tightly grip on to. The negative reel that plays in my head constantly. The attention I give to the things in my life I can’t let go of.

He showed me that I can let all of that go by letting those lies die.

God calls us to do two things in life: Love Him with all our heart, our soul, and our mind. And to love others as ourselves. If you don’t analyze this too much, it’s pretty simple. But the reality is more difficult that I’d ever imagined. Because I need to first love myself the way God loves me. I have to receive His love first.

And I have been holding on to the notion that I am not good enough for God to love me.

I really have.

And that manifests itself in a lot of ways. Mostly in my ability to accept love from others in my life and to show others how much I care and love for them. And, to be honest, I thought I just wasn’t capable of getting past the junk to be able to let other people in.

But God has continued to pound the message of I LOVE YOU over and over and over again this past year. And I have been listening, but not yet believing. As a Christ Follower, this is a real tough thing to admit. I’m basically saying that I claim to be far in my walk with God, but have yet to accomplish the first and basic step.

Or maybe I just hoped no one, not even God, would notice that detail. But, obviously, you can’t get anything past God. Doesn’t matter how we sugar coat it. He knows.

He KNOWS.

He knows that I struggle with accepting his unconditional love. He knew it all along. And he knew that it would take a lot of personal experience for me to understand this myself. And to move forward towards opening up my heart fully to him.

And as I s-l-o-w-l-y come to terms with all of this. I see him opening my eyes a little more every day as to WHY I hold my heart so close. And some of it is painful and scary. Some of it, a lot of it, is very surprising to me. And some of it is so obvious I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.

But ALL of it is easily overcome with Jesus at my side. ALL OF IT.

Because of this, I am joyful and I am hopeful. I see God working on his promise to me. And I will continue to work with him one step at a time. Not rushed, not in my own way or schedule. But just as He has planned it. And as we work together on this, we will build our friendship and trust.

And I will find that healing I so desperately long for.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

Don’t Mess With Perfect

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Day 12: March 20, 2014

I’m sitting here watching my 14 year old, and only, son work on a documentary for a national history day competition. He is an aspiring filmmaker and a lover of history. I am in awe of his ability to pull the info together and create such an interesting work.

I was the worst at history. Memorizing facts is like shoving toothpicks in my eyes. It’s torture. And I’m awful at it. My memory, in general, is quite selective.

Thankfully, he got the love of history and ability to retain (what I call useless) facts from my husband. And the imagination and strong will from me. From us both, he got the love of art and all things visual.

He’s incredible. And I’m really just now figuring that out and letting it sink in.

We created him. GOD created him.

And honestly, at 9:00 at night, as he CRAMS to get this done for tomorrow (a quality gleaned from both his parents), I kind of want to scream at him and remind him of how he should have been working on this weeks ago. And I just want to go to sleep, but know that I need to check his spelling.

And as I really begin to understand who he is and who God created him to be, I realize that this last minute work represents who he truly is. He’s creative. He’s full of life. He lets the wind take him to his next destination. He lives in the now instead of the past or the future.

He’s brilliant. He has it figured out. And the world and rules and other people’s opinions are not going to change him.

And I am so very thankful and also jealous.

You can’t mold a creative genius. You can’t ever tell him the way it ‘should’ be. But he will listen and absorb what you say to him. And he will process it. And he will make improvements in his own time.

And really, he’s no different than me. But I’ve somehow let the world change some of my free spirit and creative ways. And I hope I can look to my son to show me a glimpse of that peaceful place. That joyful place. The place where we aren’t inhibited by the view of the world and the box it wants to put us in.

That place where we live out who God created us perfectly to be.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

Lucky Seven Dollar Sweater

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Day 10: March 17, 2014

I wore a ridiculous Freddie Krueger looking sweater today so I wouldn’t get pinched. I bought it at the thrift store for $7 just for the Super Bowl. Its blue and green for the Seahawks. And now also useful for St. Patrick’s day.

The sweater is V-neck with wide horizontal stripes of green and blue. Not flattering at all and slightly creepy looking, of you ask me (read: Freddie Krueger). It fits fine and seems to wash well. Based on the tag, its possible the original owner only paid a dollar more than me.

I don’t know if I’m some sort of Grinch, or I really don’t care about theme based holidays (or football). But I often cave to the peer pressure of outwardly supported said events by wearing festive clothing. So this year I was lucky enough to find this used Target sweater to add the only partially green item of clothing in my wardrobe.

Perhaps this striped beauty will make it to a Sounder’s game or even be turned into a pillow. Maybe I’ll be invited to a green and blue party or need an extra layer when I’m stranded in the snow. Or I might need some new leg warmers to match a spring outfit.

So I’m thankful for my seven dollar sweater that I’ve been able to wear three times now. Even if I think it might come alive in the middle of the night and make me re-live a movie that still scares the crap out of me.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

Excuses

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Day 7: March 12, 2014

Reasons I did not spend appropriate time blogging today:
1. I worked late
2. I unsuccessfully spent over an hour trying to reset my blog page design after I accidentally changed it. I hope you like the new design!
3. I fell asleep for a half hour sitting up while watching my son play Planets Versus Zombies.
4. I washed my hair.
5. I watched the latest episode of Brooklyn 99.
6. My bedtime is 9:00.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

Fakecation

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IMG_2013

These are my real feet in the sand. Because all my travel isn’t pretend.

Day 6: March 11, 2014

I love to travel. And mostly because I love getting away to places that help me regroup by forgetting about the busy of life for awhile.

But, often times, like now, I have no vacation plans, nor do I have money to fund one. Which leaves me at a loss when I feel the need to ‘get away’ creep in. So, I’ve found, the next best thing is planning what I call a Fakecation

Fakecation (faek kay shun) The act of browsing multiple travel sites and apps in search of a good deal to seemingly magical and relaxing destinations. Never results in real travel of any kind. (see daydreaming)

Kayak, Expedia, Trip Advisor, and now even Groupon have flooded my inbox with deals on travel. I hate them all for taunting me daily and reminding me of my meager vacation savings that wouldn’t likely pay for gas to drive to the next state. But, of course, I get sucked in each time I see ‘low fares to Maui’ in the subject line and click the link.

When I’m feeling really low, I start building trips using the reservation calendars. You know, just to see if a room is available for me during my imaginary time off. And when my shopping cart total reveals a small fortune in airfare and hotel fees, I sadly close the browser.

{sigh}

Someday, oh someday, I wish to just click purchase now. But, until then, I will continue to imagine my dream vacation and privately curse all of you on Facebook who post your travel pics.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

The Warmth of the Son

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Day 3: March 7, 2014

{queue music} Sunshine on my shoulder makes me happyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

The sun is out people. And in Western Washington (state), this can be a rare occurrence. And I think it’s 60 degrees, which allows folks around here the right to wear flip-flops and, dare I say, shorts. We love our quick glimpses of sun and, typically, take full advantage of the outdoors when it appears.

As for me, I’m sitting INSIDE watching it out my (very filthy) window. Right now I’m in a sunbeam that feels good and warm. My cat is comatose by it. And I’m happy. I’m happy just to know it’s there and not have to jump out in it. My phone (Runkeeper) even told me to go exercise, but instead I sit. I see the bright sun through my dirty window and I love it. For today, just knowing it’s there gives me joy.

And it reminds me of the love God has for me (and for you). That he’s there, shining bright, and giving me (us) warmth, comfort, and joy. And I don’t have to jump out and experience him just because I notice he’s out there, but, instead, just knowing he’s there is sometimes all I need. Knowing he’s there for me gives me a peace I can’t get anywhere or anyway else. Knowing he’s there reminds me of everything he’s given me, of the plans he has for me, and of the way he adores me. Knowing he’s there is everything he wants us to understand about his love for us.

He loves us ALWAYS even when we aren’t actively pursuing him. He is there. And it’s through His love that I (we) can shine bright for others. That I (we) can just be there, loving them, being like Jesus, and showing them truth and comfort. And that is what fills my heart and my soul. And that is exactly what God wants for us.

And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. Ephesians 3:18 NLT

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links below to read other posts! Thanks for reading!

 

Blessings in a toilet bowl

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So, I dropped my phone in the toilet at Costco yesterday. Exactly one month and 7 days after it was purchased at the very same store.

If you’ve read my rants about shopping at Costco previously, you know it’s a place I both love and hate. Certainly I still shop there out of some decided necessity. Not that I can’t get everything in the world in other places in the world. But, I digress….read my last post about Costco if you want the scoop. On this particular day, I was on a mission to seek and destroy my shopping list so I could be home for at least 30 minutes before the next ‘to do’ on my schedule. As I pulled into the lot, the dreaded urge to pee came over me in a huge way. I contemplated holding it but knew I couldn’t. The sheer annoyance of navigating to the bathroom at Costco might actually outweigh all other negative aspects of the shopping experience there. I grabbed my cart, rolled all the way across the store, noted the ridiculous Disneyland long lines I would soon be part of, and found what I thought to be a safe place to keep my cart. I then did some sort of speed-walk to the restroom to do my business. As I prepared to sit on the toilet, I heard the ‘plop!’ I turned quickly to see my beautiful HTC One staring up at me under a few inches of water. “Help!” it cried (not really). I’m sure I paused a moment in panic, said something aloud for all to hear, and then grabbed it out and proceeded to dry it with toilet paper. Meanwhile, I was standing in the stall, half-dressed, and still needing to pee. Once I felt the phone was dry, I dropped it in my purse and carried on. Only to grabbed it out moments later wondering if I had just contaminated the contents of my bag.

By now I was sweating and wondering what to do next. As I finished up I washed my hands and headed back to my cart. Which, of course, was now missing. I then grabbed another abandoned cart and headed through the store in reverse of my normal shopping pattern. It was then that I stopped again and grabbed my phone out of my bag. It seemed urgent to me that I tell someone, ANYONE, what had just happened. And I wondered if the phone was still working. It seemed to be, but maybe was a little off. So I kept texting, shopping, worrying, pulling it in and out of my pocket (which initial location is why it dropped in the toilet in the first place) and finally called my husband as I drove out of the parking lot. (WA State disclaimer: Was using my in-car Bluetooth). This is when I noticed error messages popping up, which I promptly deleted.

Okay, you get it. I dropped my phone in the toilet at Costco and possibly ruined it.

Here’s where my personal reflection comes in. I have been thinking about my family’s excessive use of mobile devices and the like for some time now (probably well over a year). And I’ve considered having a ‘Cyber Free Sunday’ where we completely un-plug from all things electronical (yes, you read that right). But all I do is THINK about it, and do nothing to move this plan forward. Enter the book I am currently reading: “7, An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess,” by Jen Hatmaker. While this is not a offical book review, I suggest STRONGLY that you read this book. If anything for the comical factor (I puffy heart her writing) and the realness of it all. Not only am I in the middle of this book, but I’m on the section about MEDIA. Where her entire family unplugs from Facebook, Twitter, texting, tv, etc. Her only source of info is email because it’s a major part of her job. This in itself intrigued me simply because I’ve been thinking about the negative effects of too much media time on relationships.

When I returned home from Costco, I turned off my phone (which apparently I should have done right after it plopped) and put in a bin of rice. This is supposed to dry it out. But it has to sit in there for 24 hour. 24 hours. 24 hours. This kept repeating in my head because I knew I would be without it until late Saturday afternoon. And this bothered me. A lot. And then it bothered me that it bothered me. And I kept staring at my phone taking a nap in a container of rice. Almost like it was in a coma. A phone coma. And I didn’t know if it would ever wake up.

Quickly I jumped on my iPad and posted on Facebook about my dilemma. Certainly the ‘world’ needed to know about this and electronically console me. And then I realized I needed to get a hold of a friend. And I thought I’d just send her a quick text message. But I couldn’t. I knew an email wouldn’t receive a quick response, so I realized I had to take the last resort and make a phone call. A PHONE CALL. On the REAL phone. And I didn’t have her phone number memorized. From there a web of me calling my husband and him calling a friend and her calling me to give me the other friend’s number happened.

Ridiculous, right? Not so much ridiculous as it was just an inconvenience because we are so used to having everything and everyone available to us at a moment’s notice. And when we are FORCED to rely on our ‘old ways’ of doing things, we realize how good we have it with all of our devices.

The rest of the evening I spent on my iPad looking and posting on Facebook. I was bored and was missing out on an incredible Young Life event because I also happen to have a nasty cold (I’m sure made worse by shopping). I posted about the phone, about how I was sad to miss the event, a picture of me in my YL t-shirt, that my husband was mowing the lawn in the dark (true story), and finally updated my profile picture. All things not important at all. And all because I have possibly lost my way in the ‘real world’ and forgotten how to just ‘be’.

Later that night I finished reading the chapter in “7” about media. At just the right time, the event of the day was making sense to me and I was glad for it. God orchestrates everything in our life for a reason. And He knew I had been troubled by the whole device thing for a while and He was giving me (forcing me) to let go for just a little while. This is his standard M.O. when working with me because I have a hard time actually taking the first step towards change. It’s like he takes both hands and gives me a good shove in order for anything to happen. And I’m okay with that.

This time he took away the phone to let me know that what I have been thinking and feeling was right on target. That I DO need to unplug more. With a new job and some other awesome things going on in my life, I have let go of all of the stuff that keeps me centered, like exercise, eating well, spending time with friends, and WRITING. Writing is like air and water to me, and I’m deprived. (maybe why this post is so long). But what I didn’t push out of my life was the time I spend texting, emailing, and Facebooking. The time that ticks by endlessly as I search of something good in places that have never fed me and never will.

So I’m forced to be without my phone for another 4 hours today. And I don’t even know if it will work when I take it out of its rice spa. But in the meantime, I’ve allowed myself to fill time with this blog post. And I plan to sit outside for a while and enjoy what might be the last sunny day until July 5th. And I’m going to read, make some homemade chicken noodle soup and maybe even take a nap. Things that rejuvenate my body and my soul and my mind.

Why do we push out those things in our life that fill us up in a positive way? Why have we used our devices as ways to drag us down instead of build us up? Do you think a drastic media-fast is the only way to change these habits? Or can we find balance in it all? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. I’ve missed you!