Today, I choose Joy. It’s been a really long time since I’ve been able to say that. Because, honestly, I didn’t think I had a choice. I felt that my non-joy, we will call it, was just par for the course. That it was out of my control and, perhaps, never going to leave.

Thematically over the past few weeks, I’ve been praying, reading, writing, and speaking a lot about fear. Maybe all that activity fed the fact that I was overcome by it 24/7. I really got to a point where fear was all I thought about. I got to that point where I felt like I was going crazy. As I ugly cried to my husband the other night over the phone, I said things like, “I just don’t know what’s real anymore. I don’t know what direction to take because I don’t even see a direction. I feel like I’m losing my mind. It’s too hard to fight this fight. I think Satan wants me more than God right now and I think he’s winning.”

Do you ever reach that point of uncontrollable tears and complete exhaustion spewing from your mouth? Do your words and thoughts turn to absolute desperation? Do you feel like your insides are ready to jump out just to escape the madness of your thoughts? I do. And I did. I felt that way. I reached that point of crazy. I met my demons head on and expected not to leave alive. I expected to come out of that moment with a new direction. With my own direction. One that turned away from God. Because I just couldn’t do it anymore.

After I cried to my poor (at the moment helpless) husband, I sat by myself for a while. Then I turned on Hawaiian music and poured a glass of wine. I knew I needed a little external help to calm my nerves. Then I opened up my journal and just started writing. I wrote out all of my current fears. And then I wrote the same words over and over and over again; TIRED, SAD, ANXIOUS, AFRAID, TIRED, TIRED, TIRED. Then I wrote the word, ‘CONTROL’ with a circle-slash around it. I saw, in that moment, that I felt so out of CONTROL that it left me in a state of complete fear and exhaustion.

And then I wrote this: “I have no control over what will happen, so I choose fear.”

I CHOSE fear. Because I wanted to control my situation so much and I couldn’t, I decided to just be afraid. And as I built on that fear, I let Satan come in and take over. In a really HUGE way.

And this helped me realize that I have another choice. A choice for Joy. That I can choose JOY instead of fear. And it really is just as simple as that. So, I continued journaling, but this time I wrote out all the things I’m excited about and thankful for. I redirected my thoughts to all that is good. I redirected my thoughts to God and away from myself.

My life right now is scary. And it is hard. I’m preparing to take my first ever mission trip with my church. And this alone makes Satan want to seek and destroy me. And I almost let him win. But, instead, I let God in to reveal to me the wonders of this opportunity. And that through the scary, He will walk with me the entire way. But I have to let him in and let him be that rock for me. Let him be that source of JOY.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not se you ablaze.
For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
Isaiah 43:2-3

My ugly cry left me vulnerable enough to let God in again. It was a cry of desperation and He answered it. And as he continues to work in me, to strengthen me, and to show me what he is preparing me to do, I am thankful to have felt that weight lifted, that cloak of darkness removed.

Today, I choose Joy. How about you?