honesty

What Did I Miss?

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Day 12: March 19, 2014

Nothing amazing or inspiring happened today. Just a real life go to work, have dinner, and run errands kind of Wednesday.

Full disclosure: My husband and I maneuvered around the grocery store in avoidance of people we didn’t have the energy to talk to. This meant we sacrificed the ice cream we so desperately wanted. Only to have the same people pull up behind us in line.

We managed zero eye contact and noted later that they did not say hi either. I’m not sure who won that game, but somehow I felt bad about the whole thing.

What if we were meant to see each other and the repeated attempts to head down the aisle for ice cream and the appearance of the family behind us in line were instead opportunities for us to chat? Because I’ve definitely had those encounters, and usually when I gave in to the prompting to say hello they are meaningful.

Sometimes we are presented with great things that we are simply too self absorbed to take part in. And we miss out on something that was part of our path. Part of God’s plan. Thankfully he never stops working on us and never gives up giving us grace for our human behavior.

I’d like to think I’ll be more aware next time he puts someone in my path. And instead of playing it my way, I will trust that his intention is far more rewarding than my few minutes of not talking to anyone.

God help me be present and aware of what you have for me. And give me grace the next time I completely blow it. Cause you know I will.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

The Facebook Chronicles

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Day 11: March 18, 2014

It’s kind of weird to think the last 8 years of my life have been somewhat documented on social media. And even though I don’t want to be all ‘big brother’ creepers out by it, I kind of am.

But, creepers or not, I’m kind of glad because it’s likely I wouldn’t have remembered some of the best (and worst) parts of my late30early40ish life.

Every once on awhile I find myself looking back at photos and posts. I guess I’m sort of Facebook stalking myself. And when I do this, I remember some really cool things that happened and think that my best times must be behind me because I can’t remember the last time my life was so great.

Like when I had way more fun with girlfriends. And I when I worked hard to be in the best shape of my life. And when I looked so smiley and happy. And tan.

And most of the posts and pictures represent the good times. And it’s easy to think life was great for me. And even though I was there, even I am fooled into believing what I see.

Behind all of that awesome certainly lived a lot of yuck.

But that kind of stuff doesn’t read well when people are usually looking at social media hoping to find something better than what they might be dealing with at the time.

Let’s think for a moment about how a lot of us are posting cool/fun/happy stuff to (hopefully) make others think our life is awesome. And when we look at our friends’ cool/fun/happy posts it makes US think their life is awesome and reminds us, perhaps, that ours is not.

But we are all likely in the same miserable place.

And not connecting with each other about, and finding healing for, our real life ugly junk.

Cause we certainly wouldn’t want the world to know we don’t have our stuff together.

I’m thankful to have people in my life who I can share my ugly junk with. And I’m certainly not the most poker faced smiley person you’ll ever meet. And I hope that my honesty about dealing with yuck behind what you might see on social media helps you understand that we are all just trying to get through each day.

And I really do hope that we truly experience a piece of real joy every single day. Even in our mess.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

Breathing in Truth

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Day 9: March 16, 2014

I feel like I’m suffocating. I find myself taking deep breaths several times during the day. Every day.

I feel the weight of every day tasks and life pushing me down and making it harder and harder to stay afloat. I sense the darkness closing in and I feel a chill in my bones. I’m drowning in the place that is my life right now, and I don’t see a way out, so I continue to tread water, hoping that my efforts will find me the shore.

I no longer fake a smile when friends ask how I’m doing. Because I don’t have the energy to pretend. I have to focus on the right now and on my breathing. Because sometimes I worry I will forget how. To breathe.

And being in this place is not scary, but more hopeless. It’s the darkness with no understanding of light. It’s the knowledge that change is on the horizon. And the knowing that the action to take might be incredibly painful.

And freeing.

I’m in the calm that is the storm. In the rumble of the wind. Being carried along on a flight to a new place and space that I’ve never known. One that is free from people pleasing and thrill seeking. A place where my heart is no longer my own and the truth is no longer from the world.

And God is taking me there.

God is light, and there is no darkness in him at all. So we are lying if we say we have fellowship with God but go on living is spiritual darkness; we are not practicing the truth.
1 John 1:5-6

And he is showing me truth that I could never have guessed. Although I knew he had healing for me, I didn’t know the least of how he would get me there. And I’m still amazed and befuddled by it. And, full disclosure, I question it. Because right now it’s hard to know what is truth.

But I see that these truths are not new to me. That he’s been showing me them the whole way. To prepare me for this season of life. To be accepting and willing to believe them. Because I wouldn’t have before.

You were running the race so well. Who has held you back from following the truth?  It certainly isn’t God, for he is the one who called you into freedom.
Galatians 5:7-8

He holds me above water and makes me work through the struggles so that I can let go and be free from the pain and lies that have been holding me back. And he will guide me to shore, where I can feel the warm sand between my toes and breathe in the warm air.

And smile.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
Galatians 5:1

What is your truth? What lies have you been listening too? Ask God to reveal them to you. I bet you will be surprised and even set free.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

Pausing to Heal

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Day 8: March 14, 2014 (1 day late)

Be still, and know that I am God.
Psalm 47:10

This is not only one of my life verses, it’s a message I’ve been receiving a lot lately. A LOT. And while I’m in a season of boring, as I call it, I keep wanting for more. More fun, more joy, more anything. Day in and day out right now I’m plugging along tackling one task, problem, issue at a time. And through it all (mostly) I am just existing. Or so it seems.

My existence each day is intentional. Its God’s plan for me to be in a season of still. Because without a time of pause in our lives now and then, we would never have the incredibly painful and rewarding opportunity to transform into who God wants us to be.

And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.
2 Corinthians 4:18

What God has gifted me is the time and space to explore the depths of who I was and who I am no longer. He has shown me where my hurts and regrets are holding me back from letting go and moving forward. He reminds me daily that I am loved. So loved. And he knows at the core of my soul I don’t believe that.

…and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may he filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Ephesians 4:19

He gave me incredible opportunities in the past year that stirred my heart in a way that began my revival. And now, in my time of pause, he is holding me close to work on healing. And while I am open to him showing me the pain I hold so close, I have not yet let him fully in to take it once and for all from me.

And mostly, I think I am afraid. I am afraid of the pain I might relive emotionally in order to move past it. And even though I know it will be so freeing, I am scared to let it go.

What pain are you holding on to? What does God want to release you from? Pray and ask him about it today.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

Excuses

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Day 7: March 12, 2014

Reasons I did not spend appropriate time blogging today:
1. I worked late
2. I unsuccessfully spent over an hour trying to reset my blog page design after I accidentally changed it. I hope you like the new design!
3. I fell asleep for a half hour sitting up while watching my son play Planets Versus Zombies.
4. I washed my hair.
5. I watched the latest episode of Brooklyn 99.
6. My bedtime is 9:00.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

In the Moment

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Day 4: March 8, 2013

Today I drove 30 miles one way to watch my son perform a percussion ensemble lasting less than one minute.

To many reading this, including myself, this seems completely ridiculous and a massive waste of time and energy. When you consider the value of time in our day, the wear and tear on your car, and the cost of gas, this energy spent is not equal to a 50 or so second performance. And since I work hard to drive myself crazy with massive amounts of rationale, this situation could easily spin me out of control.

But you know what? I loved every second of it.

And this shocked me.

But the cool thing is, I realized that I am growing. I am letting go of the details and just living in the moment. I loved every second I spent riding in silence in the car (it was early) with my teen. I relished in the fact that I could be there with him and for him. And even if it wasn’t a huge deal to him, I was thankful for that chance to watch and listen to my son demonstrate his musical talent and the ease at which he just shows up and gets things done.

I am blessed.

And I’m really starting to figure out just how much.

And God has shown me that my getting caught up in details has blinded me to the opportunities to embrace life and love. And He wants me to stop building walls made out of what ifs and start climbing over the heaps of worry, guilt, and regret so I can see clearly the beauty right in front of me.

What a peaceful and joyful place He has put me.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links below to read other posts! Thanks for reading!

Shadows of My Past

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I took a walk tonight. First time in a LONG time. I had it in my head I was going to yoga, but that plan was derailed due to a broken down car situation. As God would have it, however, a walk was more appropriate. When I walk I tend to get really quiet and talk, listen, worship and pray to God. It’s my favorite place. It’s my best place. And I rarely go there. Too much to do. But tonight, I took a walk, and in that short time, in the dark, I was reminded (again) of what God has for me.

I don’t like walking in the dark alone, but tonight I didn’t have a choice. And I kept looking behind me thinking I saw someone following me. I had headphones in, so I couldn’t hear footsteps, but I FELT someone there. Every time I turned, I saw only my shadow, following me. I felt like a kid in that moment and pretended it really WAS someone else. And then I realized maybe it REPRESENTED someone else.

At the beginning of my walk I was rushed yet determined. I was getting some exercise and I wasn’t letting anything stand in my way. I jumped out the door and pushed forward with only one goal: walk for at least a mile and go back home. In my determination, God was able to bust through and remind me that I had a few things to pray for and this was a really good time to take care of that. Several people I know came to mind and I started praying. And it was during that prayer time I kept looking back at my shadow and wondering why I felt so tense and so paranoid. As I continued on and continued to pray and listen to worship music, I heard the words reminding me that God made me just the way I am and he’s been taking me through some really scary stuff in order to get me to where he wants me to be. And as I listened and meditated on those words I felt stronger and less afraid. And I said (to myself), “Yeah! You DID make me and you did a great job! Thank you for all of the challenge you have put me through and what I’ve yet to see.” And it was then that those shadows were no longer following me, but were instead BESIDE me.

I noticed my pace had picked up and I wondered how bad my legs would hurt the next day. But I kept on going, praying and listening. I felt God walking right with me and we talked about a few things and prayed for a few more people together. I love when I feel that connected to him.

As I turned another corner, I saw my shadow stand tall in front of me. And, no matter which way I turned, it was there, stretching out before me. And it made me realize how strong I am because of God and how much he has in store for me. Plans I have no idea about and plans I could never come up with on my own. He’s way cooler than anything I can dream up. And with his strength and with my faith he helps me let go of my past, the me of before, and walks with me on my journey into the new me. And he reveals to me his one and only plan that matters which is that he is for me and has great plans for my life.

I spent last year going through a lot of challenge and change. And through that God is transforming me and showing me an incredible future. I am thankful for the yuck and the hard stuff and the energy to continue on, and I can’t wait to live the plans he has for me. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future… Jeremiah 29:11

For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it. Mark 8:35

This is my first post of 2014 and, even though it’s a couple weeks into the New Year, I feel I’m ready to take this year one day at a time. God revealed to me already that he has incredible plans of healing and peace for me this year. But I have some work to do before that happens. I look forward to sharing more of my journey with you!

Did you make a New Year’s Resolution? What has God revealed to you about this coming year?

Blessings in a toilet bowl

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So, I dropped my phone in the toilet at Costco yesterday. Exactly one month and 7 days after it was purchased at the very same store.

If you’ve read my rants about shopping at Costco previously, you know it’s a place I both love and hate. Certainly I still shop there out of some decided necessity. Not that I can’t get everything in the world in other places in the world. But, I digress….read my last post about Costco if you want the scoop. On this particular day, I was on a mission to seek and destroy my shopping list so I could be home for at least 30 minutes before the next ‘to do’ on my schedule. As I pulled into the lot, the dreaded urge to pee came over me in a huge way. I contemplated holding it but knew I couldn’t. The sheer annoyance of navigating to the bathroom at Costco might actually outweigh all other negative aspects of the shopping experience there. I grabbed my cart, rolled all the way across the store, noted the ridiculous Disneyland long lines I would soon be part of, and found what I thought to be a safe place to keep my cart. I then did some sort of speed-walk to the restroom to do my business. As I prepared to sit on the toilet, I heard the ‘plop!’ I turned quickly to see my beautiful HTC One staring up at me under a few inches of water. “Help!” it cried (not really). I’m sure I paused a moment in panic, said something aloud for all to hear, and then grabbed it out and proceeded to dry it with toilet paper. Meanwhile, I was standing in the stall, half-dressed, and still needing to pee. Once I felt the phone was dry, I dropped it in my purse and carried on. Only to grabbed it out moments later wondering if I had just contaminated the contents of my bag.

By now I was sweating and wondering what to do next. As I finished up I washed my hands and headed back to my cart. Which, of course, was now missing. I then grabbed another abandoned cart and headed through the store in reverse of my normal shopping pattern. It was then that I stopped again and grabbed my phone out of my bag. It seemed urgent to me that I tell someone, ANYONE, what had just happened. And I wondered if the phone was still working. It seemed to be, but maybe was a little off. So I kept texting, shopping, worrying, pulling it in and out of my pocket (which initial location is why it dropped in the toilet in the first place) and finally called my husband as I drove out of the parking lot. (WA State disclaimer: Was using my in-car Bluetooth). This is when I noticed error messages popping up, which I promptly deleted.

Okay, you get it. I dropped my phone in the toilet at Costco and possibly ruined it.

Here’s where my personal reflection comes in. I have been thinking about my family’s excessive use of mobile devices and the like for some time now (probably well over a year). And I’ve considered having a ‘Cyber Free Sunday’ where we completely un-plug from all things electronical (yes, you read that right). But all I do is THINK about it, and do nothing to move this plan forward. Enter the book I am currently reading: “7, An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess,” by Jen Hatmaker. While this is not a offical book review, I suggest STRONGLY that you read this book. If anything for the comical factor (I puffy heart her writing) and the realness of it all. Not only am I in the middle of this book, but I’m on the section about MEDIA. Where her entire family unplugs from Facebook, Twitter, texting, tv, etc. Her only source of info is email because it’s a major part of her job. This in itself intrigued me simply because I’ve been thinking about the negative effects of too much media time on relationships.

When I returned home from Costco, I turned off my phone (which apparently I should have done right after it plopped) and put in a bin of rice. This is supposed to dry it out. But it has to sit in there for 24 hour. 24 hours. 24 hours. This kept repeating in my head because I knew I would be without it until late Saturday afternoon. And this bothered me. A lot. And then it bothered me that it bothered me. And I kept staring at my phone taking a nap in a container of rice. Almost like it was in a coma. A phone coma. And I didn’t know if it would ever wake up.

Quickly I jumped on my iPad and posted on Facebook about my dilemma. Certainly the ‘world’ needed to know about this and electronically console me. And then I realized I needed to get a hold of a friend. And I thought I’d just send her a quick text message. But I couldn’t. I knew an email wouldn’t receive a quick response, so I realized I had to take the last resort and make a phone call. A PHONE CALL. On the REAL phone. And I didn’t have her phone number memorized. From there a web of me calling my husband and him calling a friend and her calling me to give me the other friend’s number happened.

Ridiculous, right? Not so much ridiculous as it was just an inconvenience because we are so used to having everything and everyone available to us at a moment’s notice. And when we are FORCED to rely on our ‘old ways’ of doing things, we realize how good we have it with all of our devices.

The rest of the evening I spent on my iPad looking and posting on Facebook. I was bored and was missing out on an incredible Young Life event because I also happen to have a nasty cold (I’m sure made worse by shopping). I posted about the phone, about how I was sad to miss the event, a picture of me in my YL t-shirt, that my husband was mowing the lawn in the dark (true story), and finally updated my profile picture. All things not important at all. And all because I have possibly lost my way in the ‘real world’ and forgotten how to just ‘be’.

Later that night I finished reading the chapter in “7” about media. At just the right time, the event of the day was making sense to me and I was glad for it. God orchestrates everything in our life for a reason. And He knew I had been troubled by the whole device thing for a while and He was giving me (forcing me) to let go for just a little while. This is his standard M.O. when working with me because I have a hard time actually taking the first step towards change. It’s like he takes both hands and gives me a good shove in order for anything to happen. And I’m okay with that.

This time he took away the phone to let me know that what I have been thinking and feeling was right on target. That I DO need to unplug more. With a new job and some other awesome things going on in my life, I have let go of all of the stuff that keeps me centered, like exercise, eating well, spending time with friends, and WRITING. Writing is like air and water to me, and I’m deprived. (maybe why this post is so long). But what I didn’t push out of my life was the time I spend texting, emailing, and Facebooking. The time that ticks by endlessly as I search of something good in places that have never fed me and never will.

So I’m forced to be without my phone for another 4 hours today. And I don’t even know if it will work when I take it out of its rice spa. But in the meantime, I’ve allowed myself to fill time with this blog post. And I plan to sit outside for a while and enjoy what might be the last sunny day until July 5th. And I’m going to read, make some homemade chicken noodle soup and maybe even take a nap. Things that rejuvenate my body and my soul and my mind.

Why do we push out those things in our life that fill us up in a positive way? Why have we used our devices as ways to drag us down instead of build us up? Do you think a drastic media-fast is the only way to change these habits? Or can we find balance in it all? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. I’ve missed you!

Project: Friendship

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bff1Make a list of the moments in your life when you’ve had to start over building new friendships. Which were the most challenging? The easiest? What made the difference? (From “Wonderstruck” Bible Study by Margaret Feinburg)

It’s been a few weeks since I answered this question during my daily homework session. But the thought continues to resonate through my entire soul. Certainly I couldn’t imagine a time when building new friendships was EASY. But what I do know, is that I’m in one of those places right this minute. In fact, I feel I’ve been here for a while now. A place where I’ve been stripped (pruned) of a lot of relationships in my life and I’m left feeling empty. I’m not a whole person right now. The companion element that true and deep friendship brings is absent.

Being aware that this cycle of friendships is apparently just another one of those things we deal with in life does not help my acceptance of it. I am a loyal person. A loyal friend. Often times too loyal. But I’ve realized my definition of loyalty is certainly skewed, because sticking with someone for better or for worse is really just sticking around to avoid dealing with loss. Additionally, this loyalty binds me into setting up expectations that others can never meet. A great way for me to unknowingly keep them at arm’s length so I never get hurt.

The core of this, again, is avoiding the feelings of loss. And certainly I’m realizing that I have a lot of work to do in this area. In the area of grieving. Because loss IS another one of those things we go through in life. And I have yet to accept that. I have yet to believe we have to lose people in our lives. I think it should be all unicorns and rainbows and all of us living together happily ever after. I don’t ever want to say goodbye to someone in my life. And especially when I don’t have the choice. Like when someone moves away, passes away, or simply walks away.

These circumstances, out of my control, are just some of the reasons relationships die. Sometimes its simply time to move on. Sometimes time and space separate. And sometimes God decides that the particular season of friendship is simply over. Whatever the reason, I’m learning to understand that moments in time with certain relationships should be cherished and fed. I need to feed the relationships I have the privilege to be a part of. I have to be diligent in making sure I am being the other half of the friendship. And I have to make sure my expectations are in check with that person right then. Right where they are. Otherwise, I’m pushing away something that I long for.

More so, I have to understand that true friendships are built over time. They have to be intentional and nurturing. They take time. They take cultivation. They take patience. They take liking and person before you love them. They take listening before you speak. They take grace before condemnation. They take forgiveness. And when I can implore these towards existing and new relationships, I might just experience what God has for me in regards to true friendships. To those relationships I crave. Honest, loving, grace-filled, laughter-filled, and life-giving.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians 3:12-14

And I have the opportunity in front of me to build new relationships, and nurture existing ones, over time, that will flourish in the same way. And I am hopeful and joyful to know that. And I am thankful for the time I’ve had with some friends that simply ended. And holding on to that helps me know that I CAN let others into my life again, even if it’s not forever. And I can be more vulnerable to those friends I do have. Give them more of my heart instead of hiding it. If I don’t, I will be left with that empty feeling the rest of my days.

Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. John 15:13

Turn Down The Noise!

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I haven’t slept for two nights. And by that I mean I probably slept a few hours, but mostly tossed and turned. I want to blame it on the full moon, or the unusually warm weather, because external causes are easy to point fingers at. However, even IF those things affected my slumber, the real culprit is Me.

I’ve been feeling this extremely annoying stir in myself for quite a while. It’s sort of like the feeling of a knot in your gut, but mostly like I’m claustrophobic. Sometimes I feel like I want to run to a far away place and start my life again. Sometimes I just want to RUN (which I’m lame at). Sometimes I want to let go of all my worries and just experience joy for even five minutes. I feel trapped in my own self. I can’t seem to escape the constant noise blaring in my head. And it’s not just noise, but jumbles and jumbles and jumbles of thoughts. Worries, sadness, fleeting ideas, desires, plans, self hate, regret, what ifs, whys, confusion, doubt, and fear.

I would guess if a radio station (wait, let me be ‘hip’ and say ‘Spotify’ or ‘Pandora’) had a play list like the one that goes on in my head, they wouldn’t get a lot of listeners. I know I wouldn’t listen, I’d change the channel. So, why can’t I change THIS channel? The one that BLARES in my head 24/7? What keeps me tuned in?

I’ll tell you what; It’s that I CHOOSE to listen. I choose to focus on these thoughts. I choose to let these thoughts stir me up and make me feel trapped. I choose my OWN self over God. I hold on to all of this because I’m not willing to let go of the control. As long as I’M thinking about these things, and working to solve the problems and worries in my life, then I still have CONTROL. When you think about it, it’s like managing a bunch of idiots. You know, like if a group of people worked for you, but were all incompetent for their positions. But, instead of replacing them with qualified people, you just keep trying to micro manage the heck out of them, and then eventually just do the jobs yourself.

God is qualified to do the job of managing my life. He created me. He thought of me before he created the world. He’s got this. But I choose not to hire him to take control of my life. And, as I stumble through trying to manage the idiocy of the noise in my head, I grow farther and farther from Him. Thankfully, he’s got more patience than me, and he waits. He waits for me to turn to him. He has his hand on the volume knob. He’s ready to turn down that noise as soon as I ask him to.

“Be still and know that I am God…” Psalm 46:10

This verse made its way into the jumble of my thoughts last weekend. And I held on to it tightly for a few days. And I understood what God was saying to me. And I let him take control of the noise for a little while. And then I took it back again because I didn’t see things changing. I didn’t see my problems solved yet. So I felt I needed to worry about them again. I let the sadness and anxiety creep back in. And, even though I’ve prayed and read the Word every day, the noise has washed out the message. So, here I am, again, wanting relief from my own self talk. And He is there. Again.

“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal” 2 Corinthians 4:18

Are you feeling overwhelmed by the ‘noise’ in your head? The ‘noise’ of life even? What brings you peace and relief from it? If you haven’t given the control to God yet, give it a try. I challenge you to find anything other than peace when you do so.