honesty

I’ll take a pass on NYE

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It’s New Year’s Eve. That moment each year where you celebrate the past and make positive plans for the future. And maybe drink a little.

I want so much to be able to celebrate this past year. And I want so much to feel hopeful for the next one. I really really do. But I sit here in such a dark place that I may have to just let this night and the next day pass. Without thankfulness and without hope.

As much as we all try each year to gather our feelings together and start fresh, I’m certain that most of us are faking it. Or at least we are confused by our NYE buzz. Because we all know that that hope and expectation we put on the coming year is mostly going to be forgotten by the second week of January.

And that’s just a normal reality. But my current state is not normal. Or not okay. And that just happens to be where I am right at this minute. With no regard to tradition. And while I’m not okay with it, I have to accept it.

2015 ripped out all my insides and spit them back out. If you don’t know the story, the short version is a major cross-country move due to a job change. Our world as we’ve always known it was pulled out from under us and we couldn’t ever have imagined how incredibly devastating it would be.

I have never known so much grief, pain and darkness in my life. I have never lost so much hope. I have never lost my heart and my soul. But all of these things happened in 2015.

And as I sit here, truly thankful to be spending this night in my home town, I am still just as lost and still just as empty. Because I haven’t yet healed. And I am still mourning the loss of my former life.

When you disconnect from your heart and your soul and you are separated from all that you know and all those you love, it’s a challenge just to get up each morning. It really is. And when all of those who know you to be the strong and courageous one don’t understand your pain or don’t know how to comfort you, this journey of darkness seems endless and ever lonely.

And all you want is for it to stop. In impossible ways, I want for it to go away and to have never been. I want it to be a nightmare that has and end. But I know in my mind that it just can’t ever be what it once was.

And as I wrestle with all that I have experienced in the past year, and I know that more challenge awaits me in 2016 I just want for some of it, any of it, to be bearable. And for the period of hurting to be redeemed and turned to joy.

2015 didn’t break me, but it certainly tried and I honestly fear what 2016 has in store.

I want the tears to stop. I want the physical hurt to be healed. I want my heart and my soul to come back. And I want to be that strong and courageous and encouraging person again. I miss her so much.

So right where I am, right at this moment, I just might need 2016 to show me some grace and release expectation. And I will put my hope in God to carry me, as He already has, into the next days and weeks and months. And perhaps at this time next year I will have a much different and richer story to share.

For those who just might want to put this past year behind them, my heart is with you. You are my people. We are in the same place. And let’s hope that our journey and our story is being written to help others we may encounter in our life. And that our current circumstance is not the end.

For those who are celebrating tonight, I love you. You are my encouragement in dark times. And you deserve all the joy you have received. What you do matters.

For all of us, may we find understanding and meaning no matter where we are and no matter where we are going in the coming year.

 

 

That Time I Un-friended God

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I prayed for the first time this morning in over a month. This coincides directly with the timeframe of leaving our home and driving across the country to a ‘foreign land’. The last afternoon we spent together, my husband, son & I, we held hands and prayed together as a family. In our empty home that we had known for 14 years, we thanked God for the memories, the blessings, and the time there. We asked Him to bless the home for the new owners and to let that place always be special to us. We asked Him to come with us on our journey and to guide and protect us.

That was my last prayer. 

I didn’t bring God with me on our trip. I didn’t allow him to guide me or comfort me along the way. When I got here, to Texas, I became wrapped up in the unknown and the scary. And then I turned on my ‘robot mode’ and starting working.

In my own strength.

I placed furniture, unpacked boxes, stocked the pantry. I made beds and washed clothes. I changed addresses and paid bills. I shopped, I decorated, I vacuumed the floor. And I did well at managing my to-do list.

Without direction from God.

A couple of weeks in to our adventure, when there were no longer boxes to unpack and busy work to complete, I started to let the fear and sadness take over. I craved the comfort of my home and my family. I wanted something familiar. Anything. I cried big big tears and shook physically while my husband and son tried to comfort me.

But I didn’t ask God to comfort me.

On a particularly bad day, I let rage take over. I took it out on my husband with cruel words. My sadness and my grief fueled the fire of every sentence. And then I said to him, “I don’t even believe in God. I feel like a fool for ever thinking he was real and he was here for me. What kind of God would claim to love me and lead me here into this Hell?”

I really did say that.

The look on my husband’s face was one I’d never seen before. He was both dumbfounded and crushed. The man I have been praying for relentlessly to follow God’s lead in his life. To put God first and foremost. To be the spiritual leader of our family. I took his breath away. And, the truth is, all of that prayer worked. My husband turned to the Lord in a time of devastation in his life and grew in his faith in incredible ways. He began to lead our family and let God guide his way.

And I refused to be a part of it anymore.

Since that moment I have felt a change in me that was both foreign and familiar. I took control of my life back in all the ways. I dictated my days and nights. I filled my time with whatever I wanted. I didn’t feel an internal pressure to spend time with God or prayer for others. I didn’t feel responsible to be a leader or an encourager.

I could just take care of me.

Shortly after, our son left for a two-week trip. At 15, he is more than capable, but still my baby. He’s our only son. And I worry when he’s not with me. He left to go back home to see his friends and then travel to Central America on a mission trip.  And he didn’t have a worry in the world about any of it.

And I didn’t pray over him or for him before he left.

It was likely, at that time, that I started feeling a new kind of uneasy. That something wasn’t right at all with the way things were going. That my worry alone was not going to keep him safe.  But I stubbornly moved on in my own way.

And I was torn between what I wanted and what I had once known.

My son returns tomorrow from his trip. And the spirit that has come alive in him, after a very devastating move from all he’s every known, is unbelievable. His love for the people of Honduras and their love for him is something simply amazing. And as I’ve spoken and messaged with him, I see that nothing of this world could light that kind of fire and create that kind of love.

It can only be God.

A few days ago I was strongly prompted to turn on worship music. And I took a walk in the sweltering Texas heat and just let the words sink in. And the next day I was led to listen to the most recent sermon from our church back home. And I just let the words sink in. And as it goes in days following, I let the words of others begin to penetrate the darkness in my heart.

I let God back in.

This morning I listed to a sermon from Lysa Terkeurst as prompted by an app I downloaded. One that pops up no matter what at 8:30 am every morning. And as she taught on scripture she said, “We are supposed to be with Him (Jesus), then sent out by him.”  Every day we must first be in His word without an agenda and just for our own personal message from Him.

“In alignment with His assignment”

God made us for service in His time and in His way. And as I prayed this morning, for the first time since our move, I thanked him for giving me this time of silence. I thanked him for still taking care of me even when I turned my back. And I asked him to show me how I was to serve him.

I asked God to lead me again.

Perhaps my time ‘away’ from God led me to understand how incredibly empty life is without him in it. Perhaps by stripping me from all I’ve ever known (in this physical world) is the only way I can truly serve this world in the way He wants me to.

And He has great plans for me.

And right now my heart is still dark and still needs healing. And my soul is still sad and mourning the loss of my life back home. But this first step today will catapult me, I believe, into the next chapter of my life.

My Real Christmas Letter

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xmas card blogFor the first time ever, (I think), I included a note in our Christmas card. I don’t really want to call it a letter, because it was only a quarter sheet of paper and was a quick read. I felt the need to include it somehow because I wanted to let people know that life isn’t really unicorns and rainbows as I might portray on social media sometimes.

As real as the letter reads, it’s not the whole truth, but just enough to, hopefully, give a glimpse of the real life happening behind the curtain.

This year life has been really challenging for us. And God told me it was going to be way back in January. And I only half believed him.

I heard the part about how my husband was going to experience some really cool and huge life change this year. But I didn’t expect it to be him losing his job of almost 20 years.

I heard him tell me that he had been preparing me for good and solid challenge. I didn’t hear that it would come by way of my 14-year-old son.

I heard him say he was going to show me pure joy. I didn’t hear that it might only be found by dragging me through some of my past junk so that I would work to let it go.

This year has not been what I expected at all. AT ALL. And when coming off probably the most incredible and spiritually fulfilling years ever (2013), I can honestly say I’m disappointed. God took me through some scary but super amazing stuff last year. And now I feel I’ve been thrown into a pit. Left to die.

I know in my heart it’s not possible for God to give me this year of challenge, of wait, and of change without purpose. I know in my heart that every step, good and bad, he’s taken me through is all to prepare me for what’s next. And I know in my heart God always comes through with something so much more amazing and life-giving that any of my plans.

But I’m tired. And I’m sad.

I want to know His plan for me. I want to get to the good stuff RIGHT NOW. I can’t possibly wait any longer to find out what he has for me.

But I know in my heart I have to. I need to.

I know through all of this God is showing me that I’m still not letting go. That I’m telling him I believe in his plan, but I’m still trying to orchestrate it on my own terms. He knows this. He knows me better than I know myself. And he’s just sitting there waiting for me to finally give up control.

So, as I wrote our Christmas note this year, I presented the idea that maybe our life wasn’t that awesome. And it’s not. But without this time to reflect and learn, we would never grow in our journey. We would stay the same and continue to present a false happiness.

And I’m thankful, SO THANKFUL, that God doesn’t ever give up on me. And that He knows always what’s best for me. And I can’t wait to see how this growth propels me into the next season of our life.

I don’t know what will happen next. But I know that God will redeem our struggles this year and we will all come out the other end full of gratitude and, dare I say, JOY.

May the God of hope fill you will all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.                                                                Romans 15:13

What challenges are you facing? Have you really and truly given them to God? What is he telling you?

ps….First blog post since April. APRIL. I can’t ever go this long without doing what I absolutely love…writing! Thanks for reading!

 

The Path of Hope

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Day 21, April 11, 2014

This is the day the Lord has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it.
Psalm 118:24

Last night, when I wasn’t sleeping due to a chocolate ice cream indulgence, I heard God say very clearly to me, “Enough of your worry! It’s time to find joy in every day. Choose joy.” God’s voice often sounds like my  voice, but I can usually tell when it’s him and not me. Mostly because my preference is to dwell on the yuck and never believe joy is available to me.

Why do we choose darkness over light? Why do we let our worries consume us? Why do we live waiting for the next problem to come along? For me, it’s because somewhere along the way I decided I’m not worthy of good things hanging around for long.

My thoughts never really ‘verbalize’ this feeling clearly, but certainly continue to emphasize that trouble is probably right around the corner if anything is looking good at the moment. I grew up feeling fearful most of the time. I lacked security. No horrible experience created that feeling, but my environment was unstable enough that I never felt comfortable.

I created a life of concern and a future of hopelessness. In my mind.

I didn’t grow up knowing Jesus, but I’m pretty sure I believed in God. It just made sense that he was out there somewhere making things happen all around me. I believed he was the one who protected me from harm, but not so much the one that made me feel whole. Because I never did.

And bad things did happen to and around me. Things I worried about came true. And I held on to the notion that my worry was some sort of future predictor. My experience proved it. So I never experienced hope much because I knew there was always a way for it to get crushed. Too much hope would always end in disappointment.

God did not create us to be driven by false hope.

God created us to put our hope and future in His hands. To let the Holy Spirit guide our every step and let Jesus feed our comfort and crush our worry. He has things figured out already and asks us to trust him in that. And as I continue to learn and grow closer in my relationship with him, I am living a life of letting go of the worry when it shows up, trusting that God has this handled, and asking him for the tools to get through it.

God HAS always been there as my protector. He was there calling to me most if my life, but it took a bit for me to answer. And when I did, the transformation towards peace began.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
Psalm 40:2

He calls me to trust him and to live a life filled with joy and real hope. He wants that for me and he wants that for you. Will you choose to follow the path of hope today? I will.

this post  is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

The Art of Encouragement

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Day 19: April 4, 2014

{I broke my stride on my way to 40 blogs for Lent. Here is #19, 7 days late}

I find myself, once again, being humbled by circumstance. This time I see a mirror reflection of myself in my son.

Is it just me, or does it sometimes feel like our children grabbed hold of our worst qualities and make them their own? Why does my son have to be excellent at arguing? And fibbing (lying). Why can he morph himself to almost any situation? Why can he make that horrifically mean face so well? Why does his attitude change like the wind? And why can I not, for the life if me, figure out how to relate to my mirror image self?

I’ve come to the conclusion that, if presented with the opportunity, I would be my own worst enemy.

This helps me understand, perhaps, why I am not doing the best job motivating my son to make doing well in school a priority. I am an annoyance. My ways of encouragement are irritating at best. My controlling approach is a buzz kill.  My presence is loathsome.

Fact:
I hate, more than anything, for someone to tell me that their way is better than mine.

Fact:
I don’t like anyone, ever, pointing out obvious things to me, (like I should be exercising if I want to get in shape.)

Fact:
I am, at all times, fully aware of my shortcomings and lack of effort and do not care for others telling me I am not working hard enough.

Fact:
I get bored easily and do not like working much at improving my skills at anything. If I don’t know how to do it, I probably won’t make the effort to learn.

Fact:
I’m pretty sure my son shares all of the same traits above and I’m pretty sure I have done all of the above to him.

So, let’s turn the tables while I work to encourage myself to blog. I love writing. Probably more than anything. But it takes time, effort, and hard work. It takes practice, it takes focus. And I truly want to write for a living someday. But I am afraid. I am afraid of the hard work and the focus and that I’m just not good enough. And when people encourage me to write, I sometimes shut down. And I make up excuses that I don’t have time or anything to share. Total lies. (fibs).

I proved to myself, by writing 18 blog posts in (about) 20 or so days, that I could do this. It was hard. I stayed up late because that’s when I had free time. I pushed myself to work up to my potential. And then I fell. And crumpled into a ball. I let life get in the way and I realized I was not going to reach my goal. So I kept putting it off. And the days kept stacking up. And I was aware, the whole time, that I had failed.

Overwhelmed and uninspired, I have re-encouraged myself to move forward. I made up the 40 day challenge, and I will keep going until I finish, no matter how long that takes.

Seeing the same patterns in my son gives me both worry and hope. I worry he will never live up to the potential we all see simply because he doesn’t want to do the work to get there. I worry the piles of work will look too daunting and he will never believe he can jump back in.

But I have hope that he WILL learn to encourage himself the way he needs it, and that I will learn the same.

In the meantime, I’ve offered him one dollar for every assignment he finishes.

It’s a start. And, so far, it’s working.

this post  is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

 

What Not To Wear

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Day 18: March 28, 2014

Tonight I saw a 7′ tall bearded man walk into Red Robin wearing overalls. And I was totally okay with it. It was totally his look. He rocked it.

What I’m not okay with is the impending overall trend that is hitting the shelves of both Target and Nordstrom. Overalls on sale for nearly $300. THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS PEOPLE!

The last time I knew someone who was not a farmer or worked otherwise where this attire proves helpful, was a friend in the late 90’s/early 2000’s who was pregnant. I was one of the pregnant ones who thought the loose fitting full length denim look was flattering in month 8.

The last time I looked good in overalls might have been my A Smile Gelatis from the 6th grade. Lavender cotton awesomeness with an ice cream cone emblem to boot.

That was 1981.

Here I am in 1990 wearing bleached shortfalls. My now husband is rocking excellent 90's fashion. And my best friend's high waist shorts are up to her neck.

Here I am in 1990 wearing bleached shortalls. My now husband is rocking excellent 90’s fashion. And my best friend’s high waist shorts are up to her neck.

I know in the 90’s the overall trend was big with guys (boy bands) and ladies, even those not pregnant, but we can all agree the 90’s in general was TRAGIC for fashion. Tragic. {see photo}

Is it possible for us to squash this before it goes viral? Can we save people from themselves and fizzle out the trend before it even happens? Who’s behind this anyway? Is it some form of social experiment?

Weird things are happening in the world. Really weird things. Unexplainable things. Please don’t let this be one of them.

#justsaynotooveralls

this post  is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

Until The Next Goodbye

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Day 17: March 27, 2014

Our next door neighbors just moved. 4th family to live in that house since we’ve been in ours. This family was there for such a short time, we didn’t really get the chance to know them well. The two families before that we became good friends with.

But they all moved.

Last summer our best friends moved from 2 blocks away to several thousand miles away. My brother and family moved 6 hours drive time away. My Uncle passed away.

People leave.

Not sure why I have experienced so many goodbyes in the last year. But I know it’s really sucked. My heart feels ripped out. And sad.

What are we supposed to do when we experience loss?

For me, MY answer is to just be sad and feel sorry for myself. I cry a lot about it. I get depressed. I decide that it’s not worth getting close to anyone else because they will probably leave too.

How can we experience life if we shut out opportunities to be with people?

We don’t. When we protect ourselves from hurt by being alone, we don’t ever experience life. God created us to do life with other people. The thing is, we don’t get to choose for how long that is.

People come into our life for a period of time.

If I had it my way, people in my life would stay forever. Of course any mean or annoying ones would not. But those who I adore would always be here with me. They would never move and they would never die.

But God’s perfect time is never the same as mine.

I have a long list of incredible people in my life that I have access to right now. And I’ve pushed them all out because I’m tired from loss. I’m weary from sadness.

And I’m missing out on living life with others.

Who knew it would be so hard for me to reach out and grab hold of my friends? Those who already love me and those who are probably just waiting for me to dig out of my hole. And I’m embarrassed to admit that I think I’ve known I’m intentionally staying here, even when I blame it on busy.

It’s time to let others back in.

And even if I know that people leave, for various reasons, it should never keep me away from enjoying the time I DO have with them. It should never determine my willingness to develop new relationships. It should never keep me from living right now.

Because right now is all the time we have for sure.

As I wrote about yesterday, part of being a Christ Follower is living life differently. One specific thing is to do life with others. Not ever wallow away by myself. And if I’m going all in for this, it’s time to take part is one of the best life-giving experiences ever – people!

Life is so much better with others to share it with!

Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart,
    and the pleasantness of a friend
    springs from their heartfelt advice
Proverbs 27:9

Do you ever find yourself ‘hiding’ from the world? Do you use your busy to protect your heart?

this post  is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

A Narrow Road to Life

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Day 16: March 26, 2014

“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.”
Matthew 7:13-14

These verses really got me thinking yesterday.

As I navigate through my life as a Christ Follower, I struggle, as many do, in understanding why I have to be so different. Why I must do the uncomfortable and follow much of what seems weird to most of the world. The narrow gate and road.

From the outside, it might just seem like I love the Bible, my church, and prayer. And I can see why you’d think that. Because often I write about such things. But certainly this isn’t what it’s all about. Because I know personally people who are great Bible scholars, ‘religiously’ attend church, and pray constantly. But it’s what’s behind all that ‘fluff’ where you see who is really following God.

Wow, that sounds incredibly judgey. So, keep with me here, I’m hoping to bring this around to something good.

The Bible is amazing, and even those who are not actively following Christ can get a lot of great stuff out of it. Real solid good advice and encouragement. Like, don’t sleep with your neighbor’s wife. Stuff like that. And attending church can be really uplifting. Even if you aren’t entirely sold on what is being said. And I don’t know a single person that doesn’t at least use the word ‘pray’ every once in awhile.

These are all GREAT tools and gifts God has given the world.

But it’s the paths we take, the behavior we exhibit, the choices we make, the sacrifices we make that truly mark our willingness to be all in for God. For Jesus.

And these things build character because they are often opposite of what we’ve been used to. What I’VE been used to most of my life. Which makes them uncomfortable, unappealing, and unpopular.

Following the teaching of Jesus means stepping out of your old ways and stepping into new ones. Not just reading the Bible and going to church. And as uncomfortable as they seem, and as weird as they might sound, they are all more life giving than anything that conforms to the ‘norm’.

So, I continue to struggle with my new normal. And I continue to receive life from carefully, and slowly, walking that narrow road. Because what God has for me is more fulfilling than anything this world can give.

Anything.

So what road are YOU on? The wide and open gate of the world? Or the narrow one, the different one, that leads to life?

He has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time,
2 Timothy 1:9

this post  is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

 

Feeling Her Pain

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Day 15: March 25, 2014

I want your heart to heal. I want to be able to fix it.

I don’t always have to right things to say. But I am always an ear.

I feel your tears. They permeate my soul.

I hurt when you hurt. It takes a piece of me.

My deep breaths gather strength for you. Because you are empty.

My voice, my words, my silence work to pierce through the pain.

There is nothing you or I can do to change the past. It is there forever.

But I can be on the other end of the line. I can keep you in my heart. I can catch you when you fall.

Again.

I am your sister. You are a part of me. I want to be your peace.

Lord give me the strength, the words, the heart to help the healing.

Because she needs it so very much.

this post  is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

Death to Life

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Day 13: March 22, 2014

At the beginning of this year, God told me he had an incredible amount of healing in store for me. And he revealed it to me in a dream. It was so clear and clean and bright. In fact, at first, I thought he was telling me I was going to die. Because it was filled with and open field, blue sky, bright white light, and peace.

In fact, he WAS showing me death.

He was revealing that I would have the opportunity this year to finally work towards letting go of the guilt, the condemnation that I so tightly grip on to. The negative reel that plays in my head constantly. The attention I give to the things in my life I can’t let go of.

He showed me that I can let all of that go by letting those lies die.

God calls us to do two things in life: Love Him with all our heart, our soul, and our mind. And to love others as ourselves. If you don’t analyze this too much, it’s pretty simple. But the reality is more difficult that I’d ever imagined. Because I need to first love myself the way God loves me. I have to receive His love first.

And I have been holding on to the notion that I am not good enough for God to love me.

I really have.

And that manifests itself in a lot of ways. Mostly in my ability to accept love from others in my life and to show others how much I care and love for them. And, to be honest, I thought I just wasn’t capable of getting past the junk to be able to let other people in.

But God has continued to pound the message of I LOVE YOU over and over and over again this past year. And I have been listening, but not yet believing. As a Christ Follower, this is a real tough thing to admit. I’m basically saying that I claim to be far in my walk with God, but have yet to accomplish the first and basic step.

Or maybe I just hoped no one, not even God, would notice that detail. But, obviously, you can’t get anything past God. Doesn’t matter how we sugar coat it. He knows.

He KNOWS.

He knows that I struggle with accepting his unconditional love. He knew it all along. And he knew that it would take a lot of personal experience for me to understand this myself. And to move forward towards opening up my heart fully to him.

And as I s-l-o-w-l-y come to terms with all of this. I see him opening my eyes a little more every day as to WHY I hold my heart so close. And some of it is painful and scary. Some of it, a lot of it, is very surprising to me. And some of it is so obvious I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.

But ALL of it is easily overcome with Jesus at my side. ALL OF IT.

Because of this, I am joyful and I am hopeful. I see God working on his promise to me. And I will continue to work with him one step at a time. Not rushed, not in my own way or schedule. But just as He has planned it. And as we work together on this, we will build our friendship and trust.

And I will find that healing I so desperately long for.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!