grace

The Art of Encouragement

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Day 19: April 4, 2014

{I broke my stride on my way to 40 blogs for Lent. Here is #19, 7 days late}

I find myself, once again, being humbled by circumstance. This time I see a mirror reflection of myself in my son.

Is it just me, or does it sometimes feel like our children grabbed hold of our worst qualities and make them their own? Why does my son have to be excellent at arguing? And fibbing (lying). Why can he morph himself to almost any situation? Why can he make that horrifically mean face so well? Why does his attitude change like the wind? And why can I not, for the life if me, figure out how to relate to my mirror image self?

I’ve come to the conclusion that, if presented with the opportunity, I would be my own worst enemy.

This helps me understand, perhaps, why I am not doing the best job motivating my son to make doing well in school a priority. I am an annoyance. My ways of encouragement are irritating at best. My controlling approach is a buzz kill.  My presence is loathsome.

Fact:
I hate, more than anything, for someone to tell me that their way is better than mine.

Fact:
I don’t like anyone, ever, pointing out obvious things to me, (like I should be exercising if I want to get in shape.)

Fact:
I am, at all times, fully aware of my shortcomings and lack of effort and do not care for others telling me I am not working hard enough.

Fact:
I get bored easily and do not like working much at improving my skills at anything. If I don’t know how to do it, I probably won’t make the effort to learn.

Fact:
I’m pretty sure my son shares all of the same traits above and I’m pretty sure I have done all of the above to him.

So, let’s turn the tables while I work to encourage myself to blog. I love writing. Probably more than anything. But it takes time, effort, and hard work. It takes practice, it takes focus. And I truly want to write for a living someday. But I am afraid. I am afraid of the hard work and the focus and that I’m just not good enough. And when people encourage me to write, I sometimes shut down. And I make up excuses that I don’t have time or anything to share. Total lies. (fibs).

I proved to myself, by writing 18 blog posts in (about) 20 or so days, that I could do this. It was hard. I stayed up late because that’s when I had free time. I pushed myself to work up to my potential. And then I fell. And crumpled into a ball. I let life get in the way and I realized I was not going to reach my goal. So I kept putting it off. And the days kept stacking up. And I was aware, the whole time, that I had failed.

Overwhelmed and uninspired, I have re-encouraged myself to move forward. I made up the 40 day challenge, and I will keep going until I finish, no matter how long that takes.

Seeing the same patterns in my son gives me both worry and hope. I worry he will never live up to the potential we all see simply because he doesn’t want to do the work to get there. I worry the piles of work will look too daunting and he will never believe he can jump back in.

But I have hope that he WILL learn to encourage himself the way he needs it, and that I will learn the same.

In the meantime, I’ve offered him one dollar for every assignment he finishes.

It’s a start. And, so far, it’s working.

this post  is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

 

What Did I Miss?

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Day 12: March 19, 2014

Nothing amazing or inspiring happened today. Just a real life go to work, have dinner, and run errands kind of Wednesday.

Full disclosure: My husband and I maneuvered around the grocery store in avoidance of people we didn’t have the energy to talk to. This meant we sacrificed the ice cream we so desperately wanted. Only to have the same people pull up behind us in line.

We managed zero eye contact and noted later that they did not say hi either. I’m not sure who won that game, but somehow I felt bad about the whole thing.

What if we were meant to see each other and the repeated attempts to head down the aisle for ice cream and the appearance of the family behind us in line were instead opportunities for us to chat? Because I’ve definitely had those encounters, and usually when I gave in to the prompting to say hello they are meaningful.

Sometimes we are presented with great things that we are simply too self absorbed to take part in. And we miss out on something that was part of our path. Part of God’s plan. Thankfully he never stops working on us and never gives up giving us grace for our human behavior.

I’d like to think I’ll be more aware next time he puts someone in my path. And instead of playing it my way, I will trust that his intention is far more rewarding than my few minutes of not talking to anyone.

God help me be present and aware of what you have for me. And give me grace the next time I completely blow it. Cause you know I will.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

Project: Friendship

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bff1Make a list of the moments in your life when you’ve had to start over building new friendships. Which were the most challenging? The easiest? What made the difference? (From “Wonderstruck” Bible Study by Margaret Feinburg)

It’s been a few weeks since I answered this question during my daily homework session. But the thought continues to resonate through my entire soul. Certainly I couldn’t imagine a time when building new friendships was EASY. But what I do know, is that I’m in one of those places right this minute. In fact, I feel I’ve been here for a while now. A place where I’ve been stripped (pruned) of a lot of relationships in my life and I’m left feeling empty. I’m not a whole person right now. The companion element that true and deep friendship brings is absent.

Being aware that this cycle of friendships is apparently just another one of those things we deal with in life does not help my acceptance of it. I am a loyal person. A loyal friend. Often times too loyal. But I’ve realized my definition of loyalty is certainly skewed, because sticking with someone for better or for worse is really just sticking around to avoid dealing with loss. Additionally, this loyalty binds me into setting up expectations that others can never meet. A great way for me to unknowingly keep them at arm’s length so I never get hurt.

The core of this, again, is avoiding the feelings of loss. And certainly I’m realizing that I have a lot of work to do in this area. In the area of grieving. Because loss IS another one of those things we go through in life. And I have yet to accept that. I have yet to believe we have to lose people in our lives. I think it should be all unicorns and rainbows and all of us living together happily ever after. I don’t ever want to say goodbye to someone in my life. And especially when I don’t have the choice. Like when someone moves away, passes away, or simply walks away.

These circumstances, out of my control, are just some of the reasons relationships die. Sometimes its simply time to move on. Sometimes time and space separate. And sometimes God decides that the particular season of friendship is simply over. Whatever the reason, I’m learning to understand that moments in time with certain relationships should be cherished and fed. I need to feed the relationships I have the privilege to be a part of. I have to be diligent in making sure I am being the other half of the friendship. And I have to make sure my expectations are in check with that person right then. Right where they are. Otherwise, I’m pushing away something that I long for.

More so, I have to understand that true friendships are built over time. They have to be intentional and nurturing. They take time. They take cultivation. They take patience. They take liking and person before you love them. They take listening before you speak. They take grace before condemnation. They take forgiveness. And when I can implore these towards existing and new relationships, I might just experience what God has for me in regards to true friendships. To those relationships I crave. Honest, loving, grace-filled, laughter-filled, and life-giving.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians 3:12-14

And I have the opportunity in front of me to build new relationships, and nurture existing ones, over time, that will flourish in the same way. And I am hopeful and joyful to know that. And I am thankful for the time I’ve had with some friends that simply ended. And holding on to that helps me know that I CAN let others into my life again, even if it’s not forever. And I can be more vulnerable to those friends I do have. Give them more of my heart instead of hiding it. If I don’t, I will be left with that empty feeling the rest of my days.

Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. John 15:13

Here We Go Again…

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Seems like I’m back on the hamster wheel. Just when I think I’m gaining momentum and actually GETTING somewhere, I realize I’m in the same place I started. Do you think hamsters realize this? Because I don’t think they have much of a brain. Speaking of hamsters, I’m a former hamster killer. I had them as pets as a child, stinky cage and all. And didn’t care for them properly. Found one dead in the cage once. Cause of death: Dirty cage. It’s a wonder God trusted me to care for a human.

We have very complex brains, unlike the hamster. Yet, we can run on a revolving wheel much the same way without ever realizing we aren’t going anywhere. We go faster and faster, get stronger and stronger, and then we stop, look up, and see we are in exactly the same place. This relates to ALL areas of life, but I would guess that pretty much everyone can relate this to finances.

Without quoting any specific statistic, I know for a fact that finances are the number one cause of divorce in the US. And if it hasn’t caused divorce, it certainly causes stress and tension in our life and relationships. I’m not talking about the LACK of money, but the MANAGEMENT of money. What we do with what we are given. What we do with what God has loaned us. We are stewards of HIS money. And, therefore, he provides us opportunities to show him we can manage it wisely, whatever the amount.

God has given my husband and I LOTS of ‘opportunities’ (tests) with money. LOTS. Sometimes he’s given us what I consider TONS of money to work with. The parable of the talents in the Bible talks about this. If you don’t know the story, check out Matthew 25:14-30. I think, most of the time, we are the third guy in this story. We totally blow it. And we come back to God with exactly what we started with. We run the hamster wheel fast, and make no headway with what he’s given us.

Like the bible talks about, God gets pissed off at the third guy. And rightly so! It’s like when you give your kid $20 to buy a hot chocolate and he comes back with that, a giant cookie, and $11 in change. Hey! That’s MY money! And you just wasted it. We are wasting God’s money.

When God is not happy with what we’ve done, he brings us back to where we started again. This time with less. And this time, with conviction on our hearts.

You see, we’ve always had everything we need. EVERYTHING. And probably more than that. But as soon as we get everything in check with our finances, opportunities come up for us to receive more income. And EVERY time, we mis-manage that ‘extra’ money. We literally don’t manage it. We just spend it. We don’t consider it part of our budget. We don’t really consider it at all. And that’s like saying, “Oh, hey God. No, you don’t need to worry about this. We got it. This is our EXTRA. Thanks for providing that for us so we don’t have to stress out about buying things we don’t need.”

Crap. Just writing that out solidifies the fact that we are morons. We have tiny hamster brains. We live to run on the wheel of the world. And not care that we aren’t going anywhere. Not a worry about being stewards to God’s wealth.

Well, the wheel has stopped. Again. And as we look around, we are scared out of our minds of the familiar territory. Higher taxes, job changes, big life decisions, and most certainly God, have put us in a very different financial place. Something we knew was coming, yet didn’t spend a second preparing for.

God has presented us with another test. Feels like a final exam. He’s given us all the information. We’ve had plenty of homework, quizzes, projects, and group discussions. He has prepared us as much as he can. And that’s all he can do. It’s time for us to apply what we know, have faith in His teachings, and ACE this one! Prayers welcomed.

How is God testing you in your finances? Do you understand that nothing on this earth belongs to us? That we are just here to take care of it? Does that change how you think about how you manage your money? I hope it does.

Note To Self

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Dear Me,

I know things have been wonky lately, with snowstorms and power outages, and of course the whole post-holiday blahs. I’m writing to tell you that this is your current reality and you might want to think about embracing it for what it is. Right now.

It’s possible that things you feel are of utmost importance will not get done. Like the long list of ‘to dos’ that has been on your mind for the last six months. Now is not the time to insist on completing major organization projects or pull leftover weeds in the now swampy yard. You are not a bad American because you didn’t know the State of The Union was happening. Leaving the bed unmade will not upset the fung shui of the house. And you do not need to look up whether you spelled fung shui correctly. No one cares.

Your extra ‘power outage stress bloat’ will not make you eligible for Biggest Loser Season 14, but continuing to eat cupcakes and chips dipped in blue cheese dressing just might. It’s okay that the iPad just autocorrected ‘bleu’ to ‘blue’. You CAN go to the gym, and you WILL NOT die on the elliptical machine. It is not a requirement to be in top shape to exercise.

Tomorrow is a new day, but probably not the one where you are going to save the world or even leave the house. Tomorrow is another day of this current normal and its okay if you don’t do everything you think you are supposed to. The day after that shows promise, especially if you leave the house and maybe even exercise. This could even give you the desire to eat some veggies, which inevitably could lead to overall better food choices.

What I’m saying here, is you need to give yourself a break. A break from the intense pressure you put on yourself to be massively productive, always right, and a supreme example to others of perfection. This is NOT normal and can never be achieved. It’s time to sit back and live every moment right where you are. Let life happen and be an active part of your current circumstance. Give yourself grace, experience joy, and love yourself for who you are. Which is good enough for yesterday, for today, and for tomorrow.

Love,
Lori