God

I Choose Joy

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no-fearToday, I choose Joy. It’s been a really long time since I’ve been able to say that. Because, honestly, I didn’t think I had a choice. I felt that my non-joy, we will call it, was just par for the course. That it was out of my control and, perhaps, never going to leave.

Thematically over the past few weeks, I’ve been praying, reading, writing, and speaking a lot about fear. Maybe all that activity fed the fact that I was overcome by it 24/7. I really got to a point where fear was all I thought about. I got to that point where I felt like I was going crazy. As I ugly cried to my husband the other night over the phone, I said things like, “I just don’t know what’s real anymore. I don’t know what direction to take because I don’t even see a direction. I feel like I’m losing my mind. It’s too hard to fight this fight. I think Satan wants me more than God right now and I think he’s winning.”

Do you ever reach that point of uncontrollable tears and complete exhaustion spewing from your mouth? Do your words and thoughts turn to absolute desperation? Do you feel like your insides are ready to jump out just to escape the madness of your thoughts? I do. And I did. I felt that way. I reached that point of crazy. I met my demons head on and expected not to leave alive. I expected to come out of that moment with a new direction. With my own direction. One that turned away from God. Because I just couldn’t do it anymore.

After I cried to my poor (at the moment helpless) husband, I sat by myself for a while. Then I turned on Hawaiian music and poured a glass of wine. I knew I needed a little external help to calm my nerves. Then I opened up my journal and just started writing. I wrote out all of my current fears. And then I wrote the same words over and over and over again; TIRED, SAD, ANXIOUS, AFRAID, TIRED, TIRED, TIRED. Then I wrote the word, ‘CONTROL’ with a circle-slash around it. I saw, in that moment, that I felt so out of CONTROL that it left me in a state of complete fear and exhaustion.

And then I wrote this: “I have no control over what will happen, so I choose fear.”

I CHOSE fear. Because I wanted to control my situation so much and I couldn’t, I decided to just be afraid. And as I built on that fear, I let Satan come in and take over. In a really HUGE way.

And this helped me realize that I have another choice. A choice for Joy. That I can choose JOY instead of fear. And it really is just as simple as that. So, I continued journaling, but this time I wrote out all the things I’m excited about and thankful for. I redirected my thoughts to all that is good. I redirected my thoughts to God and away from myself.

My life right now is scary. And it is hard. I’m preparing to take my first ever mission trip with my church. And this alone makes Satan want to seek and destroy me. And I almost let him win. But, instead, I let God in to reveal to me the wonders of this opportunity. And that through the scary, He will walk with me the entire way. But I have to let him in and let him be that rock for me. Let him be that source of JOY.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not se you ablaze.
For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
Isaiah 43:2-3

My ugly cry left me vulnerable enough to let God in again. It was a cry of desperation and He answered it. And as he continues to work in me, to strengthen me, and to show me what he is preparing me to do, I am thankful to have felt that weight lifted, that cloak of darkness removed.

Today, I choose Joy. How about you?

Thanks for Nothing

taintedfishsticks 9 Comments

Every weekday morning, after my son and husband leave the house, I sit down, with my cup of coffee, and pray. This daily activity is something I sometimes look forward to, but often times view it as a task to check off my list. Coffee? Check. Quiet house? Check. Prayer? Check. Which is then followed by working on homework for one of my three Bible studies. I like my morning routine because it’s just that; a routine. And I do, in fact, feel it starts my day off right, even if it’s just part of my check list.

I learned ‘how’ to pray a couple of years ago. I mean, we are supposed to thank God at the beginning of our prayer, confess our sins (say I’m sorry), and ask him, specifically, for things. That’s my interpretation of what I learned. Yours may be different. What I do know, is that it’s important to thank God for answered prayers and blessings so that I remember He’s actually listening and acting. And is great to apologize for screwing up (again) because it reminds me that I’m not perfect but God loves me anyway. And, finally, be specific in asking him where I need Him the most in my life at any given time.

Admittedly, I often start off with, “Dear Lord (or Dear God), Thank you for my coffee. I’m so thankful Target had Dunkin Donuts blend on sale. It’s my favorite.” This is no joke. I am so thankful for that cup of coffee each morning. And I praise God for inventing coffee beans just for me. I guess this is my small talk with God before I dig into the real stuff. But, I try to be as real as I can with him. Because, I’ve also learned that we are supposed to be real with him. Be ourself when we talk to him; when we pray.

This morning, I started off on my regular program. Poured my cup of coffee (thank you to my husband for making a quick trip to the store to get half in half), and sat down to pray. Then I just kept sitting there. Sipping my coffee. I looked around the room a bit and saw all the same things I see daily. The cats stared at me (which is always creepy) and I sat there with absolutely nothing to say. Until, I blurted out, “Dear God, What am I thankful for today? I have no idea. I guess I’m thankful that my son has a great attitude and that I had a pretty good day yesterday.” Frankly, this was embarrassing. I felt like an ass in front of God. I couldn’t come up with any good reason to be thankful this morning. And that’s just sad. In a pathetic sort of way. Because I realized I have focused so much on what I DON’T have, that I’ve completely forgotten what I DO have.

As I segued into the rest of my prayer, I couldn’t help but feel continued condemnation for my lack of thankfulness. I asked God, as I do every Friday, to provide me a topic for my blog and to speak to me through my reading today. After my prayer, I sat down with my GIANT stack of books, journals, and bible to decide what I would tackle first. I grabbed my bible and decided to do my daily reading from there. Turns out I’m behind a week on that, which led me to read Philippians 4. (side note: God always uses my procrastination to my advantage and provides me just what I need to read even when it’s not on schedule). In reading the whole chapter, here’s what stood out to me:

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. Philippians 4:12

What I heard in this scripture was that I have not learned to be content with my life. I have not learned to be thankful for everything God provides. And I don’t just mean good things. I also mean not so good things. I should be thankful for the challenges he puts me through. For the tough choices he asks me to make. For the pruning he does in my life and my relationships. For the times he allows me to be sick so I sit and rest. For my failures. For my tears. I must learn to rejoice no matter what and be content in the RIGHT NOW no matter what it looks like. The ‘plenty’ in this scripture is not things or joy or good, but a pure God-filled heart.

I want that. I want that contentment in everything. I want to have a huge list of thanks for God all the time. I want him to fill my heart so that I no longer sense the need for control and that I, finally, let him be my everything, in good and in bad. in plenty and in want.

I’ve decided to change my prayers for the next week. I’ve decided to thank God for what I DO have. To thank him for the junk in my life. To thank him for not answering my prayers in my time. To thank him for sitting back and doing nothing until it’s the right time. Because I want to be thankful for nothing more than God being God.

What are you thankful for? Can you possibly think about thanking God for nothing and still know that He is everything?

Do You See What I See?

taintedfishsticks 2 Comments

One of my biggest insecurities is being forgotten. More so that I’m forgettable, or not attractive to others. That I’m the person no one wants to be around. I want to be noticed, accepted and liked. I want people to think of me when they make plans. I want to be invited to their party. I want a phone call, text, or email. I want them to ‘like’ my status post. I spend a lot of time alone. A LOT. Some people wish for alone time. I loathe it. I want to be with people. To share, to laugh, to cry, to enjoy life together. I want to feel energy from others, and be encouraged by them.

I sat alone today at my bible study table. For what seemed like forever. I waited for others to join me. I watched them walk by. I longed for those familiar to me to sit down. But they didn’t. Over 40 woman, at church, didn’t pick my table. I was horrified. I was embarrassed. I felt unloved. The announcements started and I pretended to pay attention. My table was front and center, under the stage spotlight, and I pretended I was totally okay. Inside I was sad and hurting and defeated. I felt like a freak and a loser. I joked that I had spots available, which called more attention to the fact I had 7 empty seats around me.

Thank goodness we had a coffee break before the session started. I was the first to jump up and rush over for a cup. I could hide my face as I gulped down the hot goodness. I smiled at people and continued my act of being okay. I made small talk, cause I’m supposed to be nice to people there, but wondered the whole time if everyone felt sorry for me.

I happened to glance over near the stage. I looked past a group of woman talking. Then I realized, they were seated at MY TABLE. I took a second look, and a deep breath before I headed over. I assumed these women were forced to move to my table which introduced a whole new set of emotions and negativity to my inner voice. As I approached, I was greeted with genuine smiles. I sat down and most likely said thank you for sitting at my table. As we started talking, I found out most of the ladies arrived late and found the empty seats. This eased my insecurity a bit and helped me redirect.

As the schedule would have it, I was set to talk about our table ‘agreements’. I talked about how we strive to create a safe and encouraging environment. I shared with them that it was at a bible study several years before I had found Jesus for the first time in my life. I joked about people being annoying and saying awkward things. And I let them all know it was okay to be yourself here. Because we aren’t here to judge, but to learn together and help one another.

If those words I spoke aloud had found their place inside my head just ten minutes earlier, I may not have felt alone and abandoned. I might just have heard the truth which so clearly is that I AM loved, and even liked. God loves me. He knows me for who I am and he still likes me. He humbled me today by showing me how much he cares. Those women who sat at my table were strangers to me before today. But, within minutes I learned how much we are all alike. We all have silly senses of humor, we all struggle with having too much free time, and we are all excited to learn.

One of the ladies at my table is on my exact same path, just 8 or so years behind me. We went to the same college, we lived in the same dorm, we got the same degree. But mostly, I saw myself in her eyes, in her heart, the first time I attended bible study. Wanting to learn but feeling scared of not being accepted. She spends a lot of time alone and is desperate for time with others. For women to notice her and want to spend time with her. God placed her at my table, and in my life today. In His perfect timing. Just about ten minutes past mine.