friendship

Project: Friendship

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bff1Make a list of the moments in your life when you’ve had to start over building new friendships. Which were the most challenging? The easiest? What made the difference? (From “Wonderstruck” Bible Study by Margaret Feinburg)

It’s been a few weeks since I answered this question during my daily homework session. But the thought continues to resonate through my entire soul. Certainly I couldn’t imagine a time when building new friendships was EASY. But what I do know, is that I’m in one of those places right this minute. In fact, I feel I’ve been here for a while now. A place where I’ve been stripped (pruned) of a lot of relationships in my life and I’m left feeling empty. I’m not a whole person right now. The companion element that true and deep friendship brings is absent.

Being aware that this cycle of friendships is apparently just another one of those things we deal with in life does not help my acceptance of it. I am a loyal person. A loyal friend. Often times too loyal. But I’ve realized my definition of loyalty is certainly skewed, because sticking with someone for better or for worse is really just sticking around to avoid dealing with loss. Additionally, this loyalty binds me into setting up expectations that others can never meet. A great way for me to unknowingly keep them at arm’s length so I never get hurt.

The core of this, again, is avoiding the feelings of loss. And certainly I’m realizing that I have a lot of work to do in this area. In the area of grieving. Because loss IS another one of those things we go through in life. And I have yet to accept that. I have yet to believe we have to lose people in our lives. I think it should be all unicorns and rainbows and all of us living together happily ever after. I don’t ever want to say goodbye to someone in my life. And especially when I don’t have the choice. Like when someone moves away, passes away, or simply walks away.

These circumstances, out of my control, are just some of the reasons relationships die. Sometimes its simply time to move on. Sometimes time and space separate. And sometimes God decides that the particular season of friendship is simply over. Whatever the reason, I’m learning to understand that moments in time with certain relationships should be cherished and fed. I need to feed the relationships I have the privilege to be a part of. I have to be diligent in making sure I am being the other half of the friendship. And I have to make sure my expectations are in check with that person right then. Right where they are. Otherwise, I’m pushing away something that I long for.

More so, I have to understand that true friendships are built over time. They have to be intentional and nurturing. They take time. They take cultivation. They take patience. They take liking and person before you love them. They take listening before you speak. They take grace before condemnation. They take forgiveness. And when I can implore these towards existing and new relationships, I might just experience what God has for me in regards to true friendships. To those relationships I crave. Honest, loving, grace-filled, laughter-filled, and life-giving.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians 3:12-14

And I have the opportunity in front of me to build new relationships, and nurture existing ones, over time, that will flourish in the same way. And I am hopeful and joyful to know that. And I am thankful for the time I’ve had with some friends that simply ended. And holding on to that helps me know that I CAN let others into my life again, even if it’s not forever. And I can be more vulnerable to those friends I do have. Give them more of my heart instead of hiding it. If I don’t, I will be left with that empty feeling the rest of my days.

Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. John 15:13

Dear Sally

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Dear Sally,

I just for home from your Celebration of Life service. Thank you for inviting me. I know it was you who prompted Sarah to email me when she saw your obituary in the paper. I know you wanted me to be there even though it’s been awhile since we’ve seen each other.

I’ll never forget the last time I remember seeing you. Of course I don’t remember what we talked about, but you were out on your patio tending to your incredible garden. I don’t know how in the world you had such a beautiful space just outside your apartment. I’m not sure how long ago that was, but over a year for sure.

I’ve thought about you since, especially when I go get my hair cut. Micha always asks if I’ve seen you, and guiltily, I say no. Micha came today to the service. I guess you know that. There were so many times when I’d see you at church during bible study or service and think I should be doing something to help you. But then I would get stuck at just thinking about it and never take action. I know if I told you I felt guilty about this you’d tell me that was nonsense and that you had plenty of people offering to help, but what you really wanted was to take care of yourself.

I wasn’t sure if I was coming today. I think I was afraid. Afraid of what, I don’t know, but maybe it was because it would make the fact that you are gone real. It would mean all those things I never did for you couldn’t be done. It would mean I had to face the fact that I failed you as a friend. It would mean I might have to see your loved ones desperate for you to return.

I asked God, and you, the help me with my decision. Of course, I already knew the answer. But so often that’s how prayer works. I think we use it sometimes as a stalling technique when we don’t want to do what God has asked of us. Even though I knew I needed to go, I tried to sabotage my chance of getting there by going to Costco. On a Saturday morning! I talked to you the whole way there and asked you to help me get through and back home in time to make it to your service. I knew you could work that miracle, and you did.

Your service was perfect, of course, because you planned it. The right people were there just as you wanted, and a sense of peace was spread throughout the sanctuary. The words of the Pastor, your brother, additional family, friends, and of course Pastor Al, resonated through the room and touched each person’s heart.

I knew you for a short time Sally, a season. You came into my life, as they say, for a reason. Thank you for loving God more than anyone I know. Thank you for having incredible faith in your terrible circumstance. Thank you for your beautiful eyes, smile, and soul. Thank you for calling me friend, and for loving me.

I’m gonna miss you Sally. I’ll see you in Heaven someday.

Love,
Lori

Do You See What I See?

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One of my biggest insecurities is being forgotten. More so that I’m forgettable, or not attractive to others. That I’m the person no one wants to be around. I want to be noticed, accepted and liked. I want people to think of me when they make plans. I want to be invited to their party. I want a phone call, text, or email. I want them to ‘like’ my status post. I spend a lot of time alone. A LOT. Some people wish for alone time. I loathe it. I want to be with people. To share, to laugh, to cry, to enjoy life together. I want to feel energy from others, and be encouraged by them.

I sat alone today at my bible study table. For what seemed like forever. I waited for others to join me. I watched them walk by. I longed for those familiar to me to sit down. But they didn’t. Over 40 woman, at church, didn’t pick my table. I was horrified. I was embarrassed. I felt unloved. The announcements started and I pretended to pay attention. My table was front and center, under the stage spotlight, and I pretended I was totally okay. Inside I was sad and hurting and defeated. I felt like a freak and a loser. I joked that I had spots available, which called more attention to the fact I had 7 empty seats around me.

Thank goodness we had a coffee break before the session started. I was the first to jump up and rush over for a cup. I could hide my face as I gulped down the hot goodness. I smiled at people and continued my act of being okay. I made small talk, cause I’m supposed to be nice to people there, but wondered the whole time if everyone felt sorry for me.

I happened to glance over near the stage. I looked past a group of woman talking. Then I realized, they were seated at MY TABLE. I took a second look, and a deep breath before I headed over. I assumed these women were forced to move to my table which introduced a whole new set of emotions and negativity to my inner voice. As I approached, I was greeted with genuine smiles. I sat down and most likely said thank you for sitting at my table. As we started talking, I found out most of the ladies arrived late and found the empty seats. This eased my insecurity a bit and helped me redirect.

As the schedule would have it, I was set to talk about our table ‘agreements’. I talked about how we strive to create a safe and encouraging environment. I shared with them that it was at a bible study several years before I had found Jesus for the first time in my life. I joked about people being annoying and saying awkward things. And I let them all know it was okay to be yourself here. Because we aren’t here to judge, but to learn together and help one another.

If those words I spoke aloud had found their place inside my head just ten minutes earlier, I may not have felt alone and abandoned. I might just have heard the truth which so clearly is that I AM loved, and even liked. God loves me. He knows me for who I am and he still likes me. He humbled me today by showing me how much he cares. Those women who sat at my table were strangers to me before today. But, within minutes I learned how much we are all alike. We all have silly senses of humor, we all struggle with having too much free time, and we are all excited to learn.

One of the ladies at my table is on my exact same path, just 8 or so years behind me. We went to the same college, we lived in the same dorm, we got the same degree. But mostly, I saw myself in her eyes, in her heart, the first time I attended bible study. Wanting to learn but feeling scared of not being accepted. She spends a lot of time alone and is desperate for time with others. For women to notice her and want to spend time with her. God placed her at my table, and in my life today. In His perfect timing. Just about ten minutes past mine.

Friendship and the Gift of Life

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Today’s blog is dedicated to a couple of incredible people. Tracy Webb Olson and Candy Collins Brown. They are two women I am honored to know, but what they mean to each other is more than life itself.

I don’t know how long Tracy and Candy have known each other, because I met each of them for the first time in high school. I do know they were incredible friends to each other. Flash forward almost 25 years since graduation. The two are still friends even though they live across the country from each other. And this week, one has made the trek to save the other’s life.

Without knowing any technical or medical details, I can tell you that Tracy suffers from kidney disease and failure. This, unfortunately, runs in her family. I believe her twin brother, as well as her father, have both had kidney transplants. Just a few years after her twin’s surgery, her kidneys failed as well. Tracy has been on dialysis for over a year (maybe more). I emailed with her a bit over the last several months, and found out she was on a 5 year waiting list to receive a kidney.

After learning this, I started to research the process for live donation. It’s interesting to know, that, in a nutshell, the kidney dialysis lobbyists spend a lot of time and money making sure that information on live organ donation is not easy to find. This information was disheartening to me. I couldn’t believe that many lives have probably been lost because they never made it through the wait list period.

I prayed a lot for Tracy, and even considered checking to see if I was a match. God was clear to me that this was not my gift to give. And I understand perfectly today why He said that.

When I saw Candy 3 years ago at our 20 year high school graduation, I learned that she had MS. From what I remember, she was on medication, and overall having good days and bad. I think it was about a year later Candy learned, from a second opinion, she did NOT have MS. Either she never had it, or was miraculously cured.

Candy has flown across the country and is preparation today to give one of her kidneys to her longtime friend Tracy. The gift of friendship is one that is precious. The gift of life from your friend is God’s work on this earth. I don’t believe if Candy still had MS, she would be able to donate. I like to believe this is all God’s plan.

God loves every soul on this earth, so whether you believe in him, or just believe in saving lives, please pray tomorrow for Candy, for Tracy, and for ever medical professional involved in the surgery. Pray for life, for Tracy and for Candy and that God’s hands will be there guiding the doctors.

Tracy, you are an incredible gift to this earth, and to every person you encounter. You are loved and we all can’t wait for you to be healed. Candy, you too have an incredible soul. You have overcome sickness of your own, and are here, selflessly, saving your friend’s life.