Faith

That Time I Un-friended God

taintedfishsticks 6 Comments

I prayed for the first time this morning in over a month. This coincides directly with the timeframe of leaving our home and driving across the country to a ‘foreign land’. The last afternoon we spent together, my husband, son & I, we held hands and prayed together as a family. In our empty home that we had known for 14 years, we thanked God for the memories, the blessings, and the time there. We asked Him to bless the home for the new owners and to let that place always be special to us. We asked Him to come with us on our journey and to guide and protect us.

That was my last prayer. 

I didn’t bring God with me on our trip. I didn’t allow him to guide me or comfort me along the way. When I got here, to Texas, I became wrapped up in the unknown and the scary. And then I turned on my ‘robot mode’ and starting working.

In my own strength.

I placed furniture, unpacked boxes, stocked the pantry. I made beds and washed clothes. I changed addresses and paid bills. I shopped, I decorated, I vacuumed the floor. And I did well at managing my to-do list.

Without direction from God.

A couple of weeks in to our adventure, when there were no longer boxes to unpack and busy work to complete, I started to let the fear and sadness take over. I craved the comfort of my home and my family. I wanted something familiar. Anything. I cried big big tears and shook physically while my husband and son tried to comfort me.

But I didn’t ask God to comfort me.

On a particularly bad day, I let rage take over. I took it out on my husband with cruel words. My sadness and my grief fueled the fire of every sentence. And then I said to him, “I don’t even believe in God. I feel like a fool for ever thinking he was real and he was here for me. What kind of God would claim to love me and lead me here into this Hell?”

I really did say that.

The look on my husband’s face was one I’d never seen before. He was both dumbfounded and crushed. The man I have been praying for relentlessly to follow God’s lead in his life. To put God first and foremost. To be the spiritual leader of our family. I took his breath away. And, the truth is, all of that prayer worked. My husband turned to the Lord in a time of devastation in his life and grew in his faith in incredible ways. He began to lead our family and let God guide his way.

And I refused to be a part of it anymore.

Since that moment I have felt a change in me that was both foreign and familiar. I took control of my life back in all the ways. I dictated my days and nights. I filled my time with whatever I wanted. I didn’t feel an internal pressure to spend time with God or prayer for others. I didn’t feel responsible to be a leader or an encourager.

I could just take care of me.

Shortly after, our son left for a two-week trip. At 15, he is more than capable, but still my baby. He’s our only son. And I worry when he’s not with me. He left to go back home to see his friends and then travel to Central America on a mission trip.  And he didn’t have a worry in the world about any of it.

And I didn’t pray over him or for him before he left.

It was likely, at that time, that I started feeling a new kind of uneasy. That something wasn’t right at all with the way things were going. That my worry alone was not going to keep him safe.  But I stubbornly moved on in my own way.

And I was torn between what I wanted and what I had once known.

My son returns tomorrow from his trip. And the spirit that has come alive in him, after a very devastating move from all he’s every known, is unbelievable. His love for the people of Honduras and their love for him is something simply amazing. And as I’ve spoken and messaged with him, I see that nothing of this world could light that kind of fire and create that kind of love.

It can only be God.

A few days ago I was strongly prompted to turn on worship music. And I took a walk in the sweltering Texas heat and just let the words sink in. And the next day I was led to listen to the most recent sermon from our church back home. And I just let the words sink in. And as it goes in days following, I let the words of others begin to penetrate the darkness in my heart.

I let God back in.

This morning I listed to a sermon from Lysa Terkeurst as prompted by an app I downloaded. One that pops up no matter what at 8:30 am every morning. And as she taught on scripture she said, “We are supposed to be with Him (Jesus), then sent out by him.”  Every day we must first be in His word without an agenda and just for our own personal message from Him.

“In alignment with His assignment”

God made us for service in His time and in His way. And as I prayed this morning, for the first time since our move, I thanked him for giving me this time of silence. I thanked him for still taking care of me even when I turned my back. And I asked him to show me how I was to serve him.

I asked God to lead me again.

Perhaps my time ‘away’ from God led me to understand how incredibly empty life is without him in it. Perhaps by stripping me from all I’ve ever known (in this physical world) is the only way I can truly serve this world in the way He wants me to.

And He has great plans for me.

And right now my heart is still dark and still needs healing. And my soul is still sad and mourning the loss of my life back home. But this first step today will catapult me, I believe, into the next chapter of my life.

Holding Pattern

taintedfishsticks 7 Comments

I should be packing. Or sorting. Or cleaning out. Or researching schools. Or helping my husband load the car with junk for the dump.

We’re moving. To Texas.

It’s been 14 years since we set roots in this small town. 14 years of our baby growing to a teen. 14 years of job and school changes. 14 years of new friends and breakups. 14 years discovering Jesus and being saved. 14 years of memories and life.

And it’s not just that we’re moving from this house or this town, but from this state and this hemisphere.  Moving from Washington State to Texas is a long haul and a radical culture shift.  Of course we don’t know which of the 400 towns in the Dallas area we might call home. Of course we haven’t a clue where our son will finish his last three years of high school. Of course we don’t know where our new church home will be. Of course we don’t know a thing.

But God knows.

God has known this for, well, EVER. Of course he doesn’t share the full detailed and bullet-pointed PowerPoint presentation with me. And that puts me in a tailspin most of the time. Sure He’s given me glimpses here and there. And He’s been REAL DIRECT with me on the fact that this IS His plan for us. But this change, this unearthing of roots that run so incredibly deep has me wondering if I am capable of following through with this one. Can He possibly be that powerful that this plan requires nothing from me but faith?

Cause I really have nothing but faith right now. (and also doubt).

The vulnerability involved in this is beyond human comprehension. And God knows this. I am increasingly aware that He is not going to allow me to control any part of this situation. But instead reveal His plan bit by bit and ask me to accept it. Of course, multiple times along the way I have thought seriously about just saying NO. But that pull inside of my heart moves me back to YES.

It’s in those moments where I feel I’m letting go of just a little more of that control I hold so tightly to.

This plan for our family has been a lifetime in the planning (for God). For us it’s been a six month journey of wondering and waiting (and praying sometimes) for this job offer. Our hearts have been preparing for this long before we every knew a huge change was on the horizon. Because when we look back we can see every experience and circumstance that has brought us right to this very moment.

And this is the kind of journey you can only experience when you are connected to God.

And while we’ve been in this holding pattern for six months, God’s continued to reveal to me the areas he wants me to work on and the places he’s already been there done that. And he reminds me that I’m not any different from anyone else (like the Israelites) in regards to worry, doubt, complaining, and lack of faith. But he’s given us the opportunity to call out to Him and to listen to his voice and his truth.

I have great plans for you.

And while I don’t have the patience to wait for these great plans, I know I have to. I have to wait. Because God is the only one who knows the perfect timing for this. And God has put dreams on my heart that he promises to fulfill. And I know that he never ever breaks a promise. And it scares me to know how BIG the plans he has for me are and that he trust me to carry them out.

And that fills my heart to know that I am that important and that loved.

And it doesn’t matter where we physically live, but that we bring God with us wherever we go. And even though it may sound silly or redundant, I’ve specifically asked him to go along with me to Texas so I don’t feel so alone in this new place. And I know He will.

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*The adorable pillow was made by our cousin Kendra. Find this and others here:
https://www.etsy.com/shop/SoVintageChic

My Real Christmas Letter

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xmas card blogFor the first time ever, (I think), I included a note in our Christmas card. I don’t really want to call it a letter, because it was only a quarter sheet of paper and was a quick read. I felt the need to include it somehow because I wanted to let people know that life isn’t really unicorns and rainbows as I might portray on social media sometimes.

As real as the letter reads, it’s not the whole truth, but just enough to, hopefully, give a glimpse of the real life happening behind the curtain.

This year life has been really challenging for us. And God told me it was going to be way back in January. And I only half believed him.

I heard the part about how my husband was going to experience some really cool and huge life change this year. But I didn’t expect it to be him losing his job of almost 20 years.

I heard him tell me that he had been preparing me for good and solid challenge. I didn’t hear that it would come by way of my 14-year-old son.

I heard him say he was going to show me pure joy. I didn’t hear that it might only be found by dragging me through some of my past junk so that I would work to let it go.

This year has not been what I expected at all. AT ALL. And when coming off probably the most incredible and spiritually fulfilling years ever (2013), I can honestly say I’m disappointed. God took me through some scary but super amazing stuff last year. And now I feel I’ve been thrown into a pit. Left to die.

I know in my heart it’s not possible for God to give me this year of challenge, of wait, and of change without purpose. I know in my heart that every step, good and bad, he’s taken me through is all to prepare me for what’s next. And I know in my heart God always comes through with something so much more amazing and life-giving that any of my plans.

But I’m tired. And I’m sad.

I want to know His plan for me. I want to get to the good stuff RIGHT NOW. I can’t possibly wait any longer to find out what he has for me.

But I know in my heart I have to. I need to.

I know through all of this God is showing me that I’m still not letting go. That I’m telling him I believe in his plan, but I’m still trying to orchestrate it on my own terms. He knows this. He knows me better than I know myself. And he’s just sitting there waiting for me to finally give up control.

So, as I wrote our Christmas note this year, I presented the idea that maybe our life wasn’t that awesome. And it’s not. But without this time to reflect and learn, we would never grow in our journey. We would stay the same and continue to present a false happiness.

And I’m thankful, SO THANKFUL, that God doesn’t ever give up on me. And that He knows always what’s best for me. And I can’t wait to see how this growth propels me into the next season of our life.

I don’t know what will happen next. But I know that God will redeem our struggles this year and we will all come out the other end full of gratitude and, dare I say, JOY.

May the God of hope fill you will all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.                                                                Romans 15:13

What challenges are you facing? Have you really and truly given them to God? What is he telling you?

ps….First blog post since April. APRIL. I can’t ever go this long without doing what I absolutely love…writing! Thanks for reading!

 

The Path of Hope

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Day 21, April 11, 2014

This is the day the Lord has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it.
Psalm 118:24

Last night, when I wasn’t sleeping due to a chocolate ice cream indulgence, I heard God say very clearly to me, “Enough of your worry! It’s time to find joy in every day. Choose joy.” God’s voice often sounds like my  voice, but I can usually tell when it’s him and not me. Mostly because my preference is to dwell on the yuck and never believe joy is available to me.

Why do we choose darkness over light? Why do we let our worries consume us? Why do we live waiting for the next problem to come along? For me, it’s because somewhere along the way I decided I’m not worthy of good things hanging around for long.

My thoughts never really ‘verbalize’ this feeling clearly, but certainly continue to emphasize that trouble is probably right around the corner if anything is looking good at the moment. I grew up feeling fearful most of the time. I lacked security. No horrible experience created that feeling, but my environment was unstable enough that I never felt comfortable.

I created a life of concern and a future of hopelessness. In my mind.

I didn’t grow up knowing Jesus, but I’m pretty sure I believed in God. It just made sense that he was out there somewhere making things happen all around me. I believed he was the one who protected me from harm, but not so much the one that made me feel whole. Because I never did.

And bad things did happen to and around me. Things I worried about came true. And I held on to the notion that my worry was some sort of future predictor. My experience proved it. So I never experienced hope much because I knew there was always a way for it to get crushed. Too much hope would always end in disappointment.

God did not create us to be driven by false hope.

God created us to put our hope and future in His hands. To let the Holy Spirit guide our every step and let Jesus feed our comfort and crush our worry. He has things figured out already and asks us to trust him in that. And as I continue to learn and grow closer in my relationship with him, I am living a life of letting go of the worry when it shows up, trusting that God has this handled, and asking him for the tools to get through it.

God HAS always been there as my protector. He was there calling to me most if my life, but it took a bit for me to answer. And when I did, the transformation towards peace began.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
Psalm 40:2

He calls me to trust him and to live a life filled with joy and real hope. He wants that for me and he wants that for you. Will you choose to follow the path of hope today? I will.

this post  is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

A Narrow Road to Life

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Day 16: March 26, 2014

“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.”
Matthew 7:13-14

These verses really got me thinking yesterday.

As I navigate through my life as a Christ Follower, I struggle, as many do, in understanding why I have to be so different. Why I must do the uncomfortable and follow much of what seems weird to most of the world. The narrow gate and road.

From the outside, it might just seem like I love the Bible, my church, and prayer. And I can see why you’d think that. Because often I write about such things. But certainly this isn’t what it’s all about. Because I know personally people who are great Bible scholars, ‘religiously’ attend church, and pray constantly. But it’s what’s behind all that ‘fluff’ where you see who is really following God.

Wow, that sounds incredibly judgey. So, keep with me here, I’m hoping to bring this around to something good.

The Bible is amazing, and even those who are not actively following Christ can get a lot of great stuff out of it. Real solid good advice and encouragement. Like, don’t sleep with your neighbor’s wife. Stuff like that. And attending church can be really uplifting. Even if you aren’t entirely sold on what is being said. And I don’t know a single person that doesn’t at least use the word ‘pray’ every once in awhile.

These are all GREAT tools and gifts God has given the world.

But it’s the paths we take, the behavior we exhibit, the choices we make, the sacrifices we make that truly mark our willingness to be all in for God. For Jesus.

And these things build character because they are often opposite of what we’ve been used to. What I’VE been used to most of my life. Which makes them uncomfortable, unappealing, and unpopular.

Following the teaching of Jesus means stepping out of your old ways and stepping into new ones. Not just reading the Bible and going to church. And as uncomfortable as they seem, and as weird as they might sound, they are all more life giving than anything that conforms to the ‘norm’.

So, I continue to struggle with my new normal. And I continue to receive life from carefully, and slowly, walking that narrow road. Because what God has for me is more fulfilling than anything this world can give.

Anything.

So what road are YOU on? The wide and open gate of the world? Or the narrow one, the different one, that leads to life?

He has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time,
2 Timothy 1:9

this post  is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

 

The Right Path

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Day 14: March 24, 2014

Lord give me rest.

The tasks, the to dos, the emails, the events, the choices, the effort, the waking hours.

I can’t navigate any of it by myself. But, believe me, I’ve tried.

I’ve really tried.

And each time I find only confusion, frustration, and dead ends.

Because I am trying to work by my own power. By my own strength.

Without calling on the One who is there to support and guide me.

My true to do list is created by God.

It’s not a list at all, but instead a path where God shows me the next best step.

One at a time.

The steps may be hard, and definitely challenging.

But they are always clear and right.

Even if I am uncertain the outcome.

Lord give me rest and show me my next best step.

Guide me away from my path and onto yours.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

Death to Life

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Day 13: March 22, 2014

At the beginning of this year, God told me he had an incredible amount of healing in store for me. And he revealed it to me in a dream. It was so clear and clean and bright. In fact, at first, I thought he was telling me I was going to die. Because it was filled with and open field, blue sky, bright white light, and peace.

In fact, he WAS showing me death.

He was revealing that I would have the opportunity this year to finally work towards letting go of the guilt, the condemnation that I so tightly grip on to. The negative reel that plays in my head constantly. The attention I give to the things in my life I can’t let go of.

He showed me that I can let all of that go by letting those lies die.

God calls us to do two things in life: Love Him with all our heart, our soul, and our mind. And to love others as ourselves. If you don’t analyze this too much, it’s pretty simple. But the reality is more difficult that I’d ever imagined. Because I need to first love myself the way God loves me. I have to receive His love first.

And I have been holding on to the notion that I am not good enough for God to love me.

I really have.

And that manifests itself in a lot of ways. Mostly in my ability to accept love from others in my life and to show others how much I care and love for them. And, to be honest, I thought I just wasn’t capable of getting past the junk to be able to let other people in.

But God has continued to pound the message of I LOVE YOU over and over and over again this past year. And I have been listening, but not yet believing. As a Christ Follower, this is a real tough thing to admit. I’m basically saying that I claim to be far in my walk with God, but have yet to accomplish the first and basic step.

Or maybe I just hoped no one, not even God, would notice that detail. But, obviously, you can’t get anything past God. Doesn’t matter how we sugar coat it. He knows.

He KNOWS.

He knows that I struggle with accepting his unconditional love. He knew it all along. And he knew that it would take a lot of personal experience for me to understand this myself. And to move forward towards opening up my heart fully to him.

And as I s-l-o-w-l-y come to terms with all of this. I see him opening my eyes a little more every day as to WHY I hold my heart so close. And some of it is painful and scary. Some of it, a lot of it, is very surprising to me. And some of it is so obvious I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.

But ALL of it is easily overcome with Jesus at my side. ALL OF IT.

Because of this, I am joyful and I am hopeful. I see God working on his promise to me. And I will continue to work with him one step at a time. Not rushed, not in my own way or schedule. But just as He has planned it. And as we work together on this, we will build our friendship and trust.

And I will find that healing I so desperately long for.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

Pausing to Heal

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Day 8: March 14, 2014 (1 day late)

Be still, and know that I am God.
Psalm 47:10

This is not only one of my life verses, it’s a message I’ve been receiving a lot lately. A LOT. And while I’m in a season of boring, as I call it, I keep wanting for more. More fun, more joy, more anything. Day in and day out right now I’m plugging along tackling one task, problem, issue at a time. And through it all (mostly) I am just existing. Or so it seems.

My existence each day is intentional. Its God’s plan for me to be in a season of still. Because without a time of pause in our lives now and then, we would never have the incredibly painful and rewarding opportunity to transform into who God wants us to be.

And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.
2 Corinthians 4:18

What God has gifted me is the time and space to explore the depths of who I was and who I am no longer. He has shown me where my hurts and regrets are holding me back from letting go and moving forward. He reminds me daily that I am loved. So loved. And he knows at the core of my soul I don’t believe that.

…and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may he filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Ephesians 4:19

He gave me incredible opportunities in the past year that stirred my heart in a way that began my revival. And now, in my time of pause, he is holding me close to work on healing. And while I am open to him showing me the pain I hold so close, I have not yet let him fully in to take it once and for all from me.

And mostly, I think I am afraid. I am afraid of the pain I might relive emotionally in order to move past it. And even though I know it will be so freeing, I am scared to let it go.

What pain are you holding on to? What does God want to release you from? Pray and ask him about it today.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

Unexpected

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Day 5: March 10, 2014

When I plan out my day, and I often do, I’m presenting myself with a predictable outcome. And that feels safe and normal. And when I wake up without a plan, I let uneasiness sink in because I feel unprepared. Which is likely a recipe for a day of second guessing myself for not making plans.

But the truth is, life is ALWAYS unexpected. We have no possible way of predicting the outcome no matter how many plans we make. Certainly I known if I eat too much sugar I will get a stomach-ache. But I might not know how bad. But on a broader level, life is filled with events that we never plan for.

I didn’t know I would have only one child. I didn’t know my dad would die when I was 20. I didn’t know my brother-in-law would someday need a heart transplant. I didn’t know I would wrong people. And I certainly didn’t know I would be saved from the unexpected by Jesus.

God’s presence in my life allows for trust and peace to trump worry and fear. His love gives me the comfort I need when I’m blown away by tragedy. His grace allows me to make mistakes and still be whole. And his strength is mine when I am crumpled by loss.

And because of this I can comfort others, even if they don’t know Jesus. And I can call on his love and strength through the Holy Spirit to bring peace to those who don’t understand why. Why life is unexpected and why bad things happen. Why can’t we worry and plan everything so we are never caught off guard?

And the answer is, because He wants us to rely on him for strength. And he wants us to ask him to guide us and follow HIS plans, and know and trust that we never need to worry. God knows what’s coming next. And he knows that if we look to him daily he will guide us and he will comfort us. And nothing surprises him and nothing is too big for him to handle.

My life has been everything but predictable, and I find a certain comfort knowing that God planned it out so I don’t have to.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

What are you holding on to? Why not let God take control for a while. Let life be unexpected.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links below to read other posts! Thanks for reading!

The Warmth of the Son

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Day 3: March 7, 2014

{queue music} Sunshine on my shoulder makes me happyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

The sun is out people. And in Western Washington (state), this can be a rare occurrence. And I think it’s 60 degrees, which allows folks around here the right to wear flip-flops and, dare I say, shorts. We love our quick glimpses of sun and, typically, take full advantage of the outdoors when it appears.

As for me, I’m sitting INSIDE watching it out my (very filthy) window. Right now I’m in a sunbeam that feels good and warm. My cat is comatose by it. And I’m happy. I’m happy just to know it’s there and not have to jump out in it. My phone (Runkeeper) even told me to go exercise, but instead I sit. I see the bright sun through my dirty window and I love it. For today, just knowing it’s there gives me joy.

And it reminds me of the love God has for me (and for you). That he’s there, shining bright, and giving me (us) warmth, comfort, and joy. And I don’t have to jump out and experience him just because I notice he’s out there, but, instead, just knowing he’s there is sometimes all I need. Knowing he’s there for me gives me a peace I can’t get anywhere or anyway else. Knowing he’s there reminds me of everything he’s given me, of the plans he has for me, and of the way he adores me. Knowing he’s there is everything he wants us to understand about his love for us.

He loves us ALWAYS even when we aren’t actively pursuing him. He is there. And it’s through His love that I (we) can shine bright for others. That I (we) can just be there, loving them, being like Jesus, and showing them truth and comfort. And that is what fills my heart and my soul. And that is exactly what God wants for us.

And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. Ephesians 3:18 NLT

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links below to read other posts! Thanks for reading!