Encouragement

That Time I Un-friended God

taintedfishsticks 6 Comments

I prayed for the first time this morning in over a month. This coincides directly with the timeframe of leaving our home and driving across the country to a ‘foreign land’. The last afternoon we spent together, my husband, son & I, we held hands and prayed together as a family. In our empty home that we had known for 14 years, we thanked God for the memories, the blessings, and the time there. We asked Him to bless the home for the new owners and to let that place always be special to us. We asked Him to come with us on our journey and to guide and protect us.

That was my last prayer. 

I didn’t bring God with me on our trip. I didn’t allow him to guide me or comfort me along the way. When I got here, to Texas, I became wrapped up in the unknown and the scary. And then I turned on my ‘robot mode’ and starting working.

In my own strength.

I placed furniture, unpacked boxes, stocked the pantry. I made beds and washed clothes. I changed addresses and paid bills. I shopped, I decorated, I vacuumed the floor. And I did well at managing my to-do list.

Without direction from God.

A couple of weeks in to our adventure, when there were no longer boxes to unpack and busy work to complete, I started to let the fear and sadness take over. I craved the comfort of my home and my family. I wanted something familiar. Anything. I cried big big tears and shook physically while my husband and son tried to comfort me.

But I didn’t ask God to comfort me.

On a particularly bad day, I let rage take over. I took it out on my husband with cruel words. My sadness and my grief fueled the fire of every sentence. And then I said to him, “I don’t even believe in God. I feel like a fool for ever thinking he was real and he was here for me. What kind of God would claim to love me and lead me here into this Hell?”

I really did say that.

The look on my husband’s face was one I’d never seen before. He was both dumbfounded and crushed. The man I have been praying for relentlessly to follow God’s lead in his life. To put God first and foremost. To be the spiritual leader of our family. I took his breath away. And, the truth is, all of that prayer worked. My husband turned to the Lord in a time of devastation in his life and grew in his faith in incredible ways. He began to lead our family and let God guide his way.

And I refused to be a part of it anymore.

Since that moment I have felt a change in me that was both foreign and familiar. I took control of my life back in all the ways. I dictated my days and nights. I filled my time with whatever I wanted. I didn’t feel an internal pressure to spend time with God or prayer for others. I didn’t feel responsible to be a leader or an encourager.

I could just take care of me.

Shortly after, our son left for a two-week trip. At 15, he is more than capable, but still my baby. He’s our only son. And I worry when he’s not with me. He left to go back home to see his friends and then travel to Central America on a mission trip.  And he didn’t have a worry in the world about any of it.

And I didn’t pray over him or for him before he left.

It was likely, at that time, that I started feeling a new kind of uneasy. That something wasn’t right at all with the way things were going. That my worry alone was not going to keep him safe.  But I stubbornly moved on in my own way.

And I was torn between what I wanted and what I had once known.

My son returns tomorrow from his trip. And the spirit that has come alive in him, after a very devastating move from all he’s every known, is unbelievable. His love for the people of Honduras and their love for him is something simply amazing. And as I’ve spoken and messaged with him, I see that nothing of this world could light that kind of fire and create that kind of love.

It can only be God.

A few days ago I was strongly prompted to turn on worship music. And I took a walk in the sweltering Texas heat and just let the words sink in. And the next day I was led to listen to the most recent sermon from our church back home. And I just let the words sink in. And as it goes in days following, I let the words of others begin to penetrate the darkness in my heart.

I let God back in.

This morning I listed to a sermon from Lysa Terkeurst as prompted by an app I downloaded. One that pops up no matter what at 8:30 am every morning. And as she taught on scripture she said, “We are supposed to be with Him (Jesus), then sent out by him.”  Every day we must first be in His word without an agenda and just for our own personal message from Him.

“In alignment with His assignment”

God made us for service in His time and in His way. And as I prayed this morning, for the first time since our move, I thanked him for giving me this time of silence. I thanked him for still taking care of me even when I turned my back. And I asked him to show me how I was to serve him.

I asked God to lead me again.

Perhaps my time ‘away’ from God led me to understand how incredibly empty life is without him in it. Perhaps by stripping me from all I’ve ever known (in this physical world) is the only way I can truly serve this world in the way He wants me to.

And He has great plans for me.

And right now my heart is still dark and still needs healing. And my soul is still sad and mourning the loss of my life back home. But this first step today will catapult me, I believe, into the next chapter of my life.

Do You See What I See?

taintedfishsticks 2 Comments

One of my biggest insecurities is being forgotten. More so that I’m forgettable, or not attractive to others. That I’m the person no one wants to be around. I want to be noticed, accepted and liked. I want people to think of me when they make plans. I want to be invited to their party. I want a phone call, text, or email. I want them to ‘like’ my status post. I spend a lot of time alone. A LOT. Some people wish for alone time. I loathe it. I want to be with people. To share, to laugh, to cry, to enjoy life together. I want to feel energy from others, and be encouraged by them.

I sat alone today at my bible study table. For what seemed like forever. I waited for others to join me. I watched them walk by. I longed for those familiar to me to sit down. But they didn’t. Over 40 woman, at church, didn’t pick my table. I was horrified. I was embarrassed. I felt unloved. The announcements started and I pretended to pay attention. My table was front and center, under the stage spotlight, and I pretended I was totally okay. Inside I was sad and hurting and defeated. I felt like a freak and a loser. I joked that I had spots available, which called more attention to the fact I had 7 empty seats around me.

Thank goodness we had a coffee break before the session started. I was the first to jump up and rush over for a cup. I could hide my face as I gulped down the hot goodness. I smiled at people and continued my act of being okay. I made small talk, cause I’m supposed to be nice to people there, but wondered the whole time if everyone felt sorry for me.

I happened to glance over near the stage. I looked past a group of woman talking. Then I realized, they were seated at MY TABLE. I took a second look, and a deep breath before I headed over. I assumed these women were forced to move to my table which introduced a whole new set of emotions and negativity to my inner voice. As I approached, I was greeted with genuine smiles. I sat down and most likely said thank you for sitting at my table. As we started talking, I found out most of the ladies arrived late and found the empty seats. This eased my insecurity a bit and helped me redirect.

As the schedule would have it, I was set to talk about our table ‘agreements’. I talked about how we strive to create a safe and encouraging environment. I shared with them that it was at a bible study several years before I had found Jesus for the first time in my life. I joked about people being annoying and saying awkward things. And I let them all know it was okay to be yourself here. Because we aren’t here to judge, but to learn together and help one another.

If those words I spoke aloud had found their place inside my head just ten minutes earlier, I may not have felt alone and abandoned. I might just have heard the truth which so clearly is that I AM loved, and even liked. God loves me. He knows me for who I am and he still likes me. He humbled me today by showing me how much he cares. Those women who sat at my table were strangers to me before today. But, within minutes I learned how much we are all alike. We all have silly senses of humor, we all struggle with having too much free time, and we are all excited to learn.

One of the ladies at my table is on my exact same path, just 8 or so years behind me. We went to the same college, we lived in the same dorm, we got the same degree. But mostly, I saw myself in her eyes, in her heart, the first time I attended bible study. Wanting to learn but feeling scared of not being accepted. She spends a lot of time alone and is desperate for time with others. For women to notice her and want to spend time with her. God placed her at my table, and in my life today. In His perfect timing. Just about ten minutes past mine.