Detox

A Former Vegan’s Guide to Thanksgiving

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Hopefully you read my previous two vegan related blogs. If not, go to the home page and read those first. I chuckle to myself (I do that a lot cause I think I’m funny) about the reference in the title that implies I WAS, in fact, vegan. The limited truth is that I sort of technically was for 17 days.

Yes, its true, I gave up on my 28 day vegan detox challenge on day 17. This was after I lost my mind and knew that the only road to sanity was a regular meal. I don’t know if you’ve ever found yourself in a place so foreign or so scary that you thought a panic attack was the least of you worries. I equate it to my first experience walking in to Forever 21 where the colors, patterns, lights, and overall disorganization gave me an instant migraine eye and possibly an aneurism. This is where I was mentally several times during the VD, (more laughing. VD = Vegan Detox) but more so on day 17.

Truth is, somewhere in the Hell that was the VD, I really did learn a few things about health, my digestive system, and my deep rooted issues with food. I learned, first hand, how certain foods actually kick colds before they turn into anything, reduce inflammation, and help me sleep better at night. I found out I’m allergic to tomatoes, raw onions, and potatoes, and that beans give me terrible gas. I lost two pounds and never felt gross or stuffed. And, finally, I realized my food choices have been based so heavily on emotion, that I have some serious work to do.

On the eve of Thanksgiving, and the official beginning of the ‘big show’ called the holiday season, visions of meals, parties, and sugarplums dance around in our heads and take over our t.v.. I never realized how important food really is to the whole show. God forbid you don’t have turkey on Thanksgiving, ham at Christmas, and champagne on New Years. Seriously, the holiday food police WILL show up at your house if you miss a beat. Let me give you something to think about. If glutinous eating is in direct correlation with memories of some of the happiest times of our life, spent with friends and family, doesn’t it make sense that we relate food to happiness? Or, perhaps, if you are like me, food can be the enemy and bring up feelings of insecurity and shame.

What I learned about my relationship to food is complicated. I learned that I want nothing more than to be in total control of what I eat and that I don’t want to believe that any of it is bad for me. I want food to fix my problems as much as I want it to fill my tummy. I am angry about all of the foods that make my face break out my stomach hurt. And, most of all, I want eating healthy to now be called eating ‘normal’ so it doesn’t sound like such a hard thing to do.

How am I guiding you to a proper Thanksgiving? I’m not. In fact, I don’t eat turkey on thanksgiving anymore because I don’t like it. Me and my family go out to dinner and eat steak. We have created our own tradition that fits us, and helps keep me away from some of my issues with food and bad memories as well. In fact, I now look forward to Thanksgiving every year only second to my birthday. My issues aside, I truly do hope everyone has a special tradition and has a tasty and enjoyable ‘turkey day’. Oh, and of you ARE Vegan, I’m sorry if you are eating a blob of tofu this year.

The Woes of a Temporary Vegan: Part 1

taintedfishsticks 4 Comments

12 used to be my favorite number. But not today. I have exactly 12 days left of my 28 day Vegan Detox. Yes, if you can believe it, I made it through the first 16 days. I’d like to note that I just had to use a calculator to figure out how many days it’s been. This is because my brain doesn’t work anymore.

I am food deprived. I don’t care what anyone says about all the amazing vegan/gluten/sugar free recipes out there. They are still just combos of veggies, beans, weird grains, and tofu. I might puke if I eat another bean. That, or blow a hole in my pants from farting so much. And I think there’s a reason quinoa is an ‘ancient grain’. Because it’s old skool and needs to stay in the history books. (not that I’ve EVER seen it mentioned)

My pantry is completely foreign to me right now. It’s like I’m living in someone else’s house. I’m having flashbacks to childhood when I’d be afraid to eat at a friend’s because they ate things like ‘Bugles’ and put corn syrup on their pancakes. I open up my fridge and freak out at the sight of tofu and the 14 varieties of ‘alternate milk’ products. And why are they sold in a box? Is almond milk too good for a regular carton?

Did I happen to mention I think my 11 year old son is also starving? I can barely figure out what I’m going to eat, let alone make sure he has food too. This whole vegan thing has caused me to become a neglectful parent. For all I know, he stealing other kids lunches and trading his shoes for slices of pizza. He might have to live off his Halloween candy for the next couple of weeks. And not that I’d notice, because, again, my brain doesn’t work anymore.

I frickin want a piece of cheese. Anything melted will do. I dare not try any of the fake versions for fear I will actually die of total disgust. I have very few principles that I live by, but one definitely is, ‘thou shall not eat imposter meat or dairy products’. This includes tofu shaped like hot dogs or turkey, and rice milk formed into shredded cheese.

I am a lot of things, but I’m certainly not vegan. I’m not sure I even can applaud those who are. I feel they are so restricted and missing out on amazing food. Of course, maybe food isn’t such a big part of their life, like it is mine. And maybe they are more emotionally stable when it comes to accepting alternate protein sources.

What I AM, is particular and stubborn. I’m also a rule follower and rarely give up or back down. I believe I have met my match. The vegan detox may beat me. I am weak, and left with minimal willpower. Cheese enchiladas are calling my name. “Lori! We miss you!”. Did I mention I am also delusional? Clearly.

Why I’ve Gone Vegan and Other Ridiculous Decisions I’ve Made in Life

taintedfishsticks 3 Comments

It’s day one of a 28 day Vegan Detox I am participating in.  For the life of me, I can’t remember WHY I decided to sign up for this.  I even paid a few hundred dollars to participate and bought some interesting supplements that are supposed to help clean out my liver or something.  Part of the reason I can’t figure out why this is happening, is because I feel extremely caffeine and dairy deprived and have been in a bad mood all day.  No, caffeine is not anti-vegan (or whatever you want to call it), but since this is a ‘detox’, caffeine is the bad guy.  Oh, and so is booze and gluten.  Add those up and subtract them from the food world, and you get vegetables, fruits, seeds, nuts, rice, and TOFU.  You might see why I’m crabby.

Prior to starting this challenge, I read a bunch of information about why people choose to eat vegan, or why this is a good way to ‘clean out’ your system.  It all makes sense to me, but doesn’t change the fact that I’ve always thought vegan eating was for NPR listening weirdos.  Yes, be offended, but my favorite brother listens to NPR, he’s a total weirdo, but I still love him.  My point is, I don’t feel like I fit into the vegan category.  Like, if there were tryouts for some sort of vegan sorority, there’s no way I’d make it solely based on my love of hamburgers.

I went to my local co-op yesterday to stock up on organic produce and vegan-friendly ingredients.  I decided I was going to cook my way through this challenge and learn to eat some new things.  There are two things (everything) wrong with this plan.  I don’t really like to cook, and I hate trying new foods.  I grew up eating Top Ramen, Trix, Doritos, and salad.  (Yes, I’ve always liked salad).  It’s taken me 41 years to eat a lot of other foods and even learn how to prepare them in a healthier way.  This, in itself, has been a challenge.  Now take away some of my favorite foods, like coffee and dairy products, and I go into full on meltdown mode.

I know there are lots of people out there who eat vegan on a regular basis, which is great for them.  I’m guessing they also load up on coffee every morning and even eat bread.  This is the start of a short, but annoying journey for me.  One of many I have taken on in my life.  Like, putting an offer on a house we couldn’t afford, getting two cats, and trying to color my own hair when I was eight months pregnant.  I made it through all of these challenges, and more.  Some brought great rewards, many remorse.  Who knows where it will lead, but you better believe I’ll tell you about it.