change

That Time I Un-friended God

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I prayed for the first time this morning in over a month. This coincides directly with the timeframe of leaving our home and driving across the country to a ‘foreign land’. The last afternoon we spent together, my husband, son & I, we held hands and prayed together as a family. In our empty home that we had known for 14 years, we thanked God for the memories, the blessings, and the time there. We asked Him to bless the home for the new owners and to let that place always be special to us. We asked Him to come with us on our journey and to guide and protect us.

That was my last prayer. 

I didn’t bring God with me on our trip. I didn’t allow him to guide me or comfort me along the way. When I got here, to Texas, I became wrapped up in the unknown and the scary. And then I turned on my ‘robot mode’ and starting working.

In my own strength.

I placed furniture, unpacked boxes, stocked the pantry. I made beds and washed clothes. I changed addresses and paid bills. I shopped, I decorated, I vacuumed the floor. And I did well at managing my to-do list.

Without direction from God.

A couple of weeks in to our adventure, when there were no longer boxes to unpack and busy work to complete, I started to let the fear and sadness take over. I craved the comfort of my home and my family. I wanted something familiar. Anything. I cried big big tears and shook physically while my husband and son tried to comfort me.

But I didn’t ask God to comfort me.

On a particularly bad day, I let rage take over. I took it out on my husband with cruel words. My sadness and my grief fueled the fire of every sentence. And then I said to him, “I don’t even believe in God. I feel like a fool for ever thinking he was real and he was here for me. What kind of God would claim to love me and lead me here into this Hell?”

I really did say that.

The look on my husband’s face was one I’d never seen before. He was both dumbfounded and crushed. The man I have been praying for relentlessly to follow God’s lead in his life. To put God first and foremost. To be the spiritual leader of our family. I took his breath away. And, the truth is, all of that prayer worked. My husband turned to the Lord in a time of devastation in his life and grew in his faith in incredible ways. He began to lead our family and let God guide his way.

And I refused to be a part of it anymore.

Since that moment I have felt a change in me that was both foreign and familiar. I took control of my life back in all the ways. I dictated my days and nights. I filled my time with whatever I wanted. I didn’t feel an internal pressure to spend time with God or prayer for others. I didn’t feel responsible to be a leader or an encourager.

I could just take care of me.

Shortly after, our son left for a two-week trip. At 15, he is more than capable, but still my baby. He’s our only son. And I worry when he’s not with me. He left to go back home to see his friends and then travel to Central America on a mission trip.  And he didn’t have a worry in the world about any of it.

And I didn’t pray over him or for him before he left.

It was likely, at that time, that I started feeling a new kind of uneasy. That something wasn’t right at all with the way things were going. That my worry alone was not going to keep him safe.  But I stubbornly moved on in my own way.

And I was torn between what I wanted and what I had once known.

My son returns tomorrow from his trip. And the spirit that has come alive in him, after a very devastating move from all he’s every known, is unbelievable. His love for the people of Honduras and their love for him is something simply amazing. And as I’ve spoken and messaged with him, I see that nothing of this world could light that kind of fire and create that kind of love.

It can only be God.

A few days ago I was strongly prompted to turn on worship music. And I took a walk in the sweltering Texas heat and just let the words sink in. And the next day I was led to listen to the most recent sermon from our church back home. And I just let the words sink in. And as it goes in days following, I let the words of others begin to penetrate the darkness in my heart.

I let God back in.

This morning I listed to a sermon from Lysa Terkeurst as prompted by an app I downloaded. One that pops up no matter what at 8:30 am every morning. And as she taught on scripture she said, “We are supposed to be with Him (Jesus), then sent out by him.”  Every day we must first be in His word without an agenda and just for our own personal message from Him.

“In alignment with His assignment”

God made us for service in His time and in His way. And as I prayed this morning, for the first time since our move, I thanked him for giving me this time of silence. I thanked him for still taking care of me even when I turned my back. And I asked him to show me how I was to serve him.

I asked God to lead me again.

Perhaps my time ‘away’ from God led me to understand how incredibly empty life is without him in it. Perhaps by stripping me from all I’ve ever known (in this physical world) is the only way I can truly serve this world in the way He wants me to.

And He has great plans for me.

And right now my heart is still dark and still needs healing. And my soul is still sad and mourning the loss of my life back home. But this first step today will catapult me, I believe, into the next chapter of my life.

Holding Pattern

taintedfishsticks 7 Comments

I should be packing. Or sorting. Or cleaning out. Or researching schools. Or helping my husband load the car with junk for the dump.

We’re moving. To Texas.

It’s been 14 years since we set roots in this small town. 14 years of our baby growing to a teen. 14 years of job and school changes. 14 years of new friends and breakups. 14 years discovering Jesus and being saved. 14 years of memories and life.

And it’s not just that we’re moving from this house or this town, but from this state and this hemisphere.  Moving from Washington State to Texas is a long haul and a radical culture shift.  Of course we don’t know which of the 400 towns in the Dallas area we might call home. Of course we haven’t a clue where our son will finish his last three years of high school. Of course we don’t know where our new church home will be. Of course we don’t know a thing.

But God knows.

God has known this for, well, EVER. Of course he doesn’t share the full detailed and bullet-pointed PowerPoint presentation with me. And that puts me in a tailspin most of the time. Sure He’s given me glimpses here and there. And He’s been REAL DIRECT with me on the fact that this IS His plan for us. But this change, this unearthing of roots that run so incredibly deep has me wondering if I am capable of following through with this one. Can He possibly be that powerful that this plan requires nothing from me but faith?

Cause I really have nothing but faith right now. (and also doubt).

The vulnerability involved in this is beyond human comprehension. And God knows this. I am increasingly aware that He is not going to allow me to control any part of this situation. But instead reveal His plan bit by bit and ask me to accept it. Of course, multiple times along the way I have thought seriously about just saying NO. But that pull inside of my heart moves me back to YES.

It’s in those moments where I feel I’m letting go of just a little more of that control I hold so tightly to.

This plan for our family has been a lifetime in the planning (for God). For us it’s been a six month journey of wondering and waiting (and praying sometimes) for this job offer. Our hearts have been preparing for this long before we every knew a huge change was on the horizon. Because when we look back we can see every experience and circumstance that has brought us right to this very moment.

And this is the kind of journey you can only experience when you are connected to God.

And while we’ve been in this holding pattern for six months, God’s continued to reveal to me the areas he wants me to work on and the places he’s already been there done that. And he reminds me that I’m not any different from anyone else (like the Israelites) in regards to worry, doubt, complaining, and lack of faith. But he’s given us the opportunity to call out to Him and to listen to his voice and his truth.

I have great plans for you.

And while I don’t have the patience to wait for these great plans, I know I have to. I have to wait. Because God is the only one who knows the perfect timing for this. And God has put dreams on my heart that he promises to fulfill. And I know that he never ever breaks a promise. And it scares me to know how BIG the plans he has for me are and that he trust me to carry them out.

And that fills my heart to know that I am that important and that loved.

And it doesn’t matter where we physically live, but that we bring God with us wherever we go. And even though it may sound silly or redundant, I’ve specifically asked him to go along with me to Texas so I don’t feel so alone in this new place. And I know He will.

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*The adorable pillow was made by our cousin Kendra. Find this and others here:
https://www.etsy.com/shop/SoVintageChic

My Real Christmas Letter

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xmas card blogFor the first time ever, (I think), I included a note in our Christmas card. I don’t really want to call it a letter, because it was only a quarter sheet of paper and was a quick read. I felt the need to include it somehow because I wanted to let people know that life isn’t really unicorns and rainbows as I might portray on social media sometimes.

As real as the letter reads, it’s not the whole truth, but just enough to, hopefully, give a glimpse of the real life happening behind the curtain.

This year life has been really challenging for us. And God told me it was going to be way back in January. And I only half believed him.

I heard the part about how my husband was going to experience some really cool and huge life change this year. But I didn’t expect it to be him losing his job of almost 20 years.

I heard him tell me that he had been preparing me for good and solid challenge. I didn’t hear that it would come by way of my 14-year-old son.

I heard him say he was going to show me pure joy. I didn’t hear that it might only be found by dragging me through some of my past junk so that I would work to let it go.

This year has not been what I expected at all. AT ALL. And when coming off probably the most incredible and spiritually fulfilling years ever (2013), I can honestly say I’m disappointed. God took me through some scary but super amazing stuff last year. And now I feel I’ve been thrown into a pit. Left to die.

I know in my heart it’s not possible for God to give me this year of challenge, of wait, and of change without purpose. I know in my heart that every step, good and bad, he’s taken me through is all to prepare me for what’s next. And I know in my heart God always comes through with something so much more amazing and life-giving that any of my plans.

But I’m tired. And I’m sad.

I want to know His plan for me. I want to get to the good stuff RIGHT NOW. I can’t possibly wait any longer to find out what he has for me.

But I know in my heart I have to. I need to.

I know through all of this God is showing me that I’m still not letting go. That I’m telling him I believe in his plan, but I’m still trying to orchestrate it on my own terms. He knows this. He knows me better than I know myself. And he’s just sitting there waiting for me to finally give up control.

So, as I wrote our Christmas note this year, I presented the idea that maybe our life wasn’t that awesome. And it’s not. But without this time to reflect and learn, we would never grow in our journey. We would stay the same and continue to present a false happiness.

And I’m thankful, SO THANKFUL, that God doesn’t ever give up on me. And that He knows always what’s best for me. And I can’t wait to see how this growth propels me into the next season of our life.

I don’t know what will happen next. But I know that God will redeem our struggles this year and we will all come out the other end full of gratitude and, dare I say, JOY.

May the God of hope fill you will all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.                                                                Romans 15:13

What challenges are you facing? Have you really and truly given them to God? What is he telling you?

ps….First blog post since April. APRIL. I can’t ever go this long without doing what I absolutely love…writing! Thanks for reading!

 

Death to Life

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Day 13: March 22, 2014

At the beginning of this year, God told me he had an incredible amount of healing in store for me. And he revealed it to me in a dream. It was so clear and clean and bright. In fact, at first, I thought he was telling me I was going to die. Because it was filled with and open field, blue sky, bright white light, and peace.

In fact, he WAS showing me death.

He was revealing that I would have the opportunity this year to finally work towards letting go of the guilt, the condemnation that I so tightly grip on to. The negative reel that plays in my head constantly. The attention I give to the things in my life I can’t let go of.

He showed me that I can let all of that go by letting those lies die.

God calls us to do two things in life: Love Him with all our heart, our soul, and our mind. And to love others as ourselves. If you don’t analyze this too much, it’s pretty simple. But the reality is more difficult that I’d ever imagined. Because I need to first love myself the way God loves me. I have to receive His love first.

And I have been holding on to the notion that I am not good enough for God to love me.

I really have.

And that manifests itself in a lot of ways. Mostly in my ability to accept love from others in my life and to show others how much I care and love for them. And, to be honest, I thought I just wasn’t capable of getting past the junk to be able to let other people in.

But God has continued to pound the message of I LOVE YOU over and over and over again this past year. And I have been listening, but not yet believing. As a Christ Follower, this is a real tough thing to admit. I’m basically saying that I claim to be far in my walk with God, but have yet to accomplish the first and basic step.

Or maybe I just hoped no one, not even God, would notice that detail. But, obviously, you can’t get anything past God. Doesn’t matter how we sugar coat it. He knows.

He KNOWS.

He knows that I struggle with accepting his unconditional love. He knew it all along. And he knew that it would take a lot of personal experience for me to understand this myself. And to move forward towards opening up my heart fully to him.

And as I s-l-o-w-l-y come to terms with all of this. I see him opening my eyes a little more every day as to WHY I hold my heart so close. And some of it is painful and scary. Some of it, a lot of it, is very surprising to me. And some of it is so obvious I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.

But ALL of it is easily overcome with Jesus at my side. ALL OF IT.

Because of this, I am joyful and I am hopeful. I see God working on his promise to me. And I will continue to work with him one step at a time. Not rushed, not in my own way or schedule. But just as He has planned it. And as we work together on this, we will build our friendship and trust.

And I will find that healing I so desperately long for.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

Breathing in Truth

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Day 9: March 16, 2014

I feel like I’m suffocating. I find myself taking deep breaths several times during the day. Every day.

I feel the weight of every day tasks and life pushing me down and making it harder and harder to stay afloat. I sense the darkness closing in and I feel a chill in my bones. I’m drowning in the place that is my life right now, and I don’t see a way out, so I continue to tread water, hoping that my efforts will find me the shore.

I no longer fake a smile when friends ask how I’m doing. Because I don’t have the energy to pretend. I have to focus on the right now and on my breathing. Because sometimes I worry I will forget how. To breathe.

And being in this place is not scary, but more hopeless. It’s the darkness with no understanding of light. It’s the knowledge that change is on the horizon. And the knowing that the action to take might be incredibly painful.

And freeing.

I’m in the calm that is the storm. In the rumble of the wind. Being carried along on a flight to a new place and space that I’ve never known. One that is free from people pleasing and thrill seeking. A place where my heart is no longer my own and the truth is no longer from the world.

And God is taking me there.

God is light, and there is no darkness in him at all. So we are lying if we say we have fellowship with God but go on living is spiritual darkness; we are not practicing the truth.
1 John 1:5-6

And he is showing me truth that I could never have guessed. Although I knew he had healing for me, I didn’t know the least of how he would get me there. And I’m still amazed and befuddled by it. And, full disclosure, I question it. Because right now it’s hard to know what is truth.

But I see that these truths are not new to me. That he’s been showing me them the whole way. To prepare me for this season of life. To be accepting and willing to believe them. Because I wouldn’t have before.

You were running the race so well. Who has held you back from following the truth?  It certainly isn’t God, for he is the one who called you into freedom.
Galatians 5:7-8

He holds me above water and makes me work through the struggles so that I can let go and be free from the pain and lies that have been holding me back. And he will guide me to shore, where I can feel the warm sand between my toes and breathe in the warm air.

And smile.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
Galatians 5:1

What is your truth? What lies have you been listening too? Ask God to reveal them to you. I bet you will be surprised and even set free.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

Pausing to Heal

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Day 8: March 14, 2014 (1 day late)

Be still, and know that I am God.
Psalm 47:10

This is not only one of my life verses, it’s a message I’ve been receiving a lot lately. A LOT. And while I’m in a season of boring, as I call it, I keep wanting for more. More fun, more joy, more anything. Day in and day out right now I’m plugging along tackling one task, problem, issue at a time. And through it all (mostly) I am just existing. Or so it seems.

My existence each day is intentional. Its God’s plan for me to be in a season of still. Because without a time of pause in our lives now and then, we would never have the incredibly painful and rewarding opportunity to transform into who God wants us to be.

And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.
2 Corinthians 4:18

What God has gifted me is the time and space to explore the depths of who I was and who I am no longer. He has shown me where my hurts and regrets are holding me back from letting go and moving forward. He reminds me daily that I am loved. So loved. And he knows at the core of my soul I don’t believe that.

…and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may he filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Ephesians 4:19

He gave me incredible opportunities in the past year that stirred my heart in a way that began my revival. And now, in my time of pause, he is holding me close to work on healing. And while I am open to him showing me the pain I hold so close, I have not yet let him fully in to take it once and for all from me.

And mostly, I think I am afraid. I am afraid of the pain I might relive emotionally in order to move past it. And even though I know it will be so freeing, I am scared to let it go.

What pain are you holding on to? What does God want to release you from? Pray and ask him about it today.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

In the Moment

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Day 4: March 8, 2013

Today I drove 30 miles one way to watch my son perform a percussion ensemble lasting less than one minute.

To many reading this, including myself, this seems completely ridiculous and a massive waste of time and energy. When you consider the value of time in our day, the wear and tear on your car, and the cost of gas, this energy spent is not equal to a 50 or so second performance. And since I work hard to drive myself crazy with massive amounts of rationale, this situation could easily spin me out of control.

But you know what? I loved every second of it.

And this shocked me.

But the cool thing is, I realized that I am growing. I am letting go of the details and just living in the moment. I loved every second I spent riding in silence in the car (it was early) with my teen. I relished in the fact that I could be there with him and for him. And even if it wasn’t a huge deal to him, I was thankful for that chance to watch and listen to my son demonstrate his musical talent and the ease at which he just shows up and gets things done.

I am blessed.

And I’m really starting to figure out just how much.

And God has shown me that my getting caught up in details has blinded me to the opportunities to embrace life and love. And He wants me to stop building walls made out of what ifs and start climbing over the heaps of worry, guilt, and regret so I can see clearly the beauty right in front of me.

What a peaceful and joyful place He has put me.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links below to read other posts! Thanks for reading!

Shadows of My Past

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I took a walk tonight. First time in a LONG time. I had it in my head I was going to yoga, but that plan was derailed due to a broken down car situation. As God would have it, however, a walk was more appropriate. When I walk I tend to get really quiet and talk, listen, worship and pray to God. It’s my favorite place. It’s my best place. And I rarely go there. Too much to do. But tonight, I took a walk, and in that short time, in the dark, I was reminded (again) of what God has for me.

I don’t like walking in the dark alone, but tonight I didn’t have a choice. And I kept looking behind me thinking I saw someone following me. I had headphones in, so I couldn’t hear footsteps, but I FELT someone there. Every time I turned, I saw only my shadow, following me. I felt like a kid in that moment and pretended it really WAS someone else. And then I realized maybe it REPRESENTED someone else.

At the beginning of my walk I was rushed yet determined. I was getting some exercise and I wasn’t letting anything stand in my way. I jumped out the door and pushed forward with only one goal: walk for at least a mile and go back home. In my determination, God was able to bust through and remind me that I had a few things to pray for and this was a really good time to take care of that. Several people I know came to mind and I started praying. And it was during that prayer time I kept looking back at my shadow and wondering why I felt so tense and so paranoid. As I continued on and continued to pray and listen to worship music, I heard the words reminding me that God made me just the way I am and he’s been taking me through some really scary stuff in order to get me to where he wants me to be. And as I listened and meditated on those words I felt stronger and less afraid. And I said (to myself), “Yeah! You DID make me and you did a great job! Thank you for all of the challenge you have put me through and what I’ve yet to see.” And it was then that those shadows were no longer following me, but were instead BESIDE me.

I noticed my pace had picked up and I wondered how bad my legs would hurt the next day. But I kept on going, praying and listening. I felt God walking right with me and we talked about a few things and prayed for a few more people together. I love when I feel that connected to him.

As I turned another corner, I saw my shadow stand tall in front of me. And, no matter which way I turned, it was there, stretching out before me. And it made me realize how strong I am because of God and how much he has in store for me. Plans I have no idea about and plans I could never come up with on my own. He’s way cooler than anything I can dream up. And with his strength and with my faith he helps me let go of my past, the me of before, and walks with me on my journey into the new me. And he reveals to me his one and only plan that matters which is that he is for me and has great plans for my life.

I spent last year going through a lot of challenge and change. And through that God is transforming me and showing me an incredible future. I am thankful for the yuck and the hard stuff and the energy to continue on, and I can’t wait to live the plans he has for me. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future… Jeremiah 29:11

For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it. Mark 8:35

This is my first post of 2014 and, even though it’s a couple weeks into the New Year, I feel I’m ready to take this year one day at a time. God revealed to me already that he has incredible plans of healing and peace for me this year. But I have some work to do before that happens. I look forward to sharing more of my journey with you!

Did you make a New Year’s Resolution? What has God revealed to you about this coming year?

Blessings in a toilet bowl

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So, I dropped my phone in the toilet at Costco yesterday. Exactly one month and 7 days after it was purchased at the very same store.

If you’ve read my rants about shopping at Costco previously, you know it’s a place I both love and hate. Certainly I still shop there out of some decided necessity. Not that I can’t get everything in the world in other places in the world. But, I digress….read my last post about Costco if you want the scoop. On this particular day, I was on a mission to seek and destroy my shopping list so I could be home for at least 30 minutes before the next ‘to do’ on my schedule. As I pulled into the lot, the dreaded urge to pee came over me in a huge way. I contemplated holding it but knew I couldn’t. The sheer annoyance of navigating to the bathroom at Costco might actually outweigh all other negative aspects of the shopping experience there. I grabbed my cart, rolled all the way across the store, noted the ridiculous Disneyland long lines I would soon be part of, and found what I thought to be a safe place to keep my cart. I then did some sort of speed-walk to the restroom to do my business. As I prepared to sit on the toilet, I heard the ‘plop!’ I turned quickly to see my beautiful HTC One staring up at me under a few inches of water. “Help!” it cried (not really). I’m sure I paused a moment in panic, said something aloud for all to hear, and then grabbed it out and proceeded to dry it with toilet paper. Meanwhile, I was standing in the stall, half-dressed, and still needing to pee. Once I felt the phone was dry, I dropped it in my purse and carried on. Only to grabbed it out moments later wondering if I had just contaminated the contents of my bag.

By now I was sweating and wondering what to do next. As I finished up I washed my hands and headed back to my cart. Which, of course, was now missing. I then grabbed another abandoned cart and headed through the store in reverse of my normal shopping pattern. It was then that I stopped again and grabbed my phone out of my bag. It seemed urgent to me that I tell someone, ANYONE, what had just happened. And I wondered if the phone was still working. It seemed to be, but maybe was a little off. So I kept texting, shopping, worrying, pulling it in and out of my pocket (which initial location is why it dropped in the toilet in the first place) and finally called my husband as I drove out of the parking lot. (WA State disclaimer: Was using my in-car Bluetooth). This is when I noticed error messages popping up, which I promptly deleted.

Okay, you get it. I dropped my phone in the toilet at Costco and possibly ruined it.

Here’s where my personal reflection comes in. I have been thinking about my family’s excessive use of mobile devices and the like for some time now (probably well over a year). And I’ve considered having a ‘Cyber Free Sunday’ where we completely un-plug from all things electronical (yes, you read that right). But all I do is THINK about it, and do nothing to move this plan forward. Enter the book I am currently reading: “7, An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess,” by Jen Hatmaker. While this is not a offical book review, I suggest STRONGLY that you read this book. If anything for the comical factor (I puffy heart her writing) and the realness of it all. Not only am I in the middle of this book, but I’m on the section about MEDIA. Where her entire family unplugs from Facebook, Twitter, texting, tv, etc. Her only source of info is email because it’s a major part of her job. This in itself intrigued me simply because I’ve been thinking about the negative effects of too much media time on relationships.

When I returned home from Costco, I turned off my phone (which apparently I should have done right after it plopped) and put in a bin of rice. This is supposed to dry it out. But it has to sit in there for 24 hour. 24 hours. 24 hours. This kept repeating in my head because I knew I would be without it until late Saturday afternoon. And this bothered me. A lot. And then it bothered me that it bothered me. And I kept staring at my phone taking a nap in a container of rice. Almost like it was in a coma. A phone coma. And I didn’t know if it would ever wake up.

Quickly I jumped on my iPad and posted on Facebook about my dilemma. Certainly the ‘world’ needed to know about this and electronically console me. And then I realized I needed to get a hold of a friend. And I thought I’d just send her a quick text message. But I couldn’t. I knew an email wouldn’t receive a quick response, so I realized I had to take the last resort and make a phone call. A PHONE CALL. On the REAL phone. And I didn’t have her phone number memorized. From there a web of me calling my husband and him calling a friend and her calling me to give me the other friend’s number happened.

Ridiculous, right? Not so much ridiculous as it was just an inconvenience because we are so used to having everything and everyone available to us at a moment’s notice. And when we are FORCED to rely on our ‘old ways’ of doing things, we realize how good we have it with all of our devices.

The rest of the evening I spent on my iPad looking and posting on Facebook. I was bored and was missing out on an incredible Young Life event because I also happen to have a nasty cold (I’m sure made worse by shopping). I posted about the phone, about how I was sad to miss the event, a picture of me in my YL t-shirt, that my husband was mowing the lawn in the dark (true story), and finally updated my profile picture. All things not important at all. And all because I have possibly lost my way in the ‘real world’ and forgotten how to just ‘be’.

Later that night I finished reading the chapter in “7” about media. At just the right time, the event of the day was making sense to me and I was glad for it. God orchestrates everything in our life for a reason. And He knew I had been troubled by the whole device thing for a while and He was giving me (forcing me) to let go for just a little while. This is his standard M.O. when working with me because I have a hard time actually taking the first step towards change. It’s like he takes both hands and gives me a good shove in order for anything to happen. And I’m okay with that.

This time he took away the phone to let me know that what I have been thinking and feeling was right on target. That I DO need to unplug more. With a new job and some other awesome things going on in my life, I have let go of all of the stuff that keeps me centered, like exercise, eating well, spending time with friends, and WRITING. Writing is like air and water to me, and I’m deprived. (maybe why this post is so long). But what I didn’t push out of my life was the time I spend texting, emailing, and Facebooking. The time that ticks by endlessly as I search of something good in places that have never fed me and never will.

So I’m forced to be without my phone for another 4 hours today. And I don’t even know if it will work when I take it out of its rice spa. But in the meantime, I’ve allowed myself to fill time with this blog post. And I plan to sit outside for a while and enjoy what might be the last sunny day until July 5th. And I’m going to read, make some homemade chicken noodle soup and maybe even take a nap. Things that rejuvenate my body and my soul and my mind.

Why do we push out those things in our life that fill us up in a positive way? Why have we used our devices as ways to drag us down instead of build us up? Do you think a drastic media-fast is the only way to change these habits? Or can we find balance in it all? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. I’ve missed you!

Broken Heart

taintedfishsticks 2 Comments

Gloria & I

Gloria & I

I have just returned from my first mission trip. We travelled to Tegucigalpa, Honduras to serve women and children there. My 13-year-old son was with me, along with 29 other amazing people from my church. While I am still processing all that God showed me on this trip, I know whole heartedly now why he called me to Honduras.

I was so afraid to go on this mission. My fear was crippling at times. Mostly it was the feeling of lack of control. Some of it was feeling I couldn’t meet the challenge of serving these people. And, finally, I was afraid of how God was going to change me through this.

A lot of preparation went in to this trip. Lots of meetings with our team, learning dances, extensive packing lists, medications, fund-raising, collecting supplies, and obtaining passports. All of these details helped with the overall organization of our trip and these were the things that caused me the most stress. But what really prepared us were the endless prayers over our team, the daily devotional readings, the bond we were creating with each other, and the plan that God had for each one of us.

My constant prayer to God was to keep me and the team safe from harm. I knew that we needed protection from attacks and from sickness. And I prayed every day that he would walk with us the entire time with a shroud of protection over us. And that he would be our hands and our feet. And he answered that prayer.

“I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.” Genesis 28:15

From the moment I stepped off the plane in Tegucigalpa, I felt God grab my hand and walk with me. My fears were left behind on the airplane, and the Holy Spirit took over my entire soul. I was His hands and feet, his voice, his heart. There is no other explanation for the peace I had the entire trip. God’s peace and presence is a power unlike any other.

“I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” Ephesians 3:16-19

That scripture was given to me from one of the women I serve with at my church before I left. When I received it, I didn’t understand fully why it was just for me and why God had put it on her heart to give it to me. But that’s how God works. He presents us with many messages, and when we listen and reflect on what he has done for us, we start to see his greater plan in our life.

God walked with me and removed my need for control on this trip. Everything we needed was provided for us. A clean place to sleep, nourishing food, safety, and strength. (The details) God also gave me everything I needed to serve the women and children. (His hands and feet)

What I wasn’t ever able to anticipate was what God had for me on this trip; How he wanted to change me. And that scared me most of all. Because change is scary when you aren’t the one handling it. But I now know that when you let God be the one to change you, the result is the most rewarding and powerful feeling you could NEVER imagine without experiencing it.

At one of our meetings, we spent time talking about prayer. Specifically how to pray over other people we feel led to pray for. We knew that the Honduran people we would serve may ask for prayer, or we may ask to prayer for them. And we didn’t know their language, so we had to rely completely on the Holy Spirit to guide our words. During this meeting, we were also asked to spend time asking God to reveal to us some glimpses of what we would experience on our trip. During that quiet time, we wrote down words that came to us. Here is my list:

Broken heart
Woman with beads
Child in a green shirt, orange pants
Hotel worker – female
Spanish
Flowers
Blue shirt man
grass
Carlos’ mom
heart necklace
John 1:15
arch/bridge

As I reflect on our trip, I can honestly say each and every one of the things on the list represents an experience I had there. When I wrote this list, I had no idea God was revealing to me EXACTLY what he had for me on this trip. And what I was most afraid of: Change.

You see, God did change me. And he did it through healing my broken heart. I had love showered on me from these people that I’ve never felt before in my life. There was one woman in particular who showed me to way to healing. Her name is Gloria. Through her love and her prayers for me, I was healed. And I have been praying forever to heal my broken heart so that I could receive love from others. I have been shielding my heart for a lot of my life and it had left me incredibly lonely. And by protecting my heart I had been missing out on the love God wanted for me from others and from the love He has for me. I knew I hadn’t given my whole heart to God, but I didn’t want to admit it. And I believe somehow I knew that’s what God wanted from me on this trip. And that’s why I was so afraid. Because I wanted to keep my heart to myself. I wasn’t ready to let it go. But God opened my heart fully to Him and I felt his full and complete love for the first time.

I will write more about my experience there and how these people didn’t need our love, hope, or faith. But instead, they showed us what it truly means to love God and love others. God bless the people of Honduras for their faith. We have a lot to learn here at home. And I pray I can continue to be God’s hands and feet to show others the way.

“How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!” 1 John 3:1

God showed me that I am worthy of his love. I am worthy to be called one of his children. And I am worthy to do his work in this broken world. And that is what I intend to do.