challenge

The Art of Encouragement

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Day 19: April 4, 2014

{I broke my stride on my way to 40 blogs for Lent. Here is #19, 7 days late}

I find myself, once again, being humbled by circumstance. This time I see a mirror reflection of myself in my son.

Is it just me, or does it sometimes feel like our children grabbed hold of our worst qualities and make them their own? Why does my son have to be excellent at arguing? And fibbing (lying). Why can he morph himself to almost any situation? Why can he make that horrifically mean face so well? Why does his attitude change like the wind? And why can I not, for the life if me, figure out how to relate to my mirror image self?

I’ve come to the conclusion that, if presented with the opportunity, I would be my own worst enemy.

This helps me understand, perhaps, why I am not doing the best job motivating my son to make doing well in school a priority. I am an annoyance. My ways of encouragement are irritating at best. My controlling approach is a buzz kill.  My presence is loathsome.

Fact:
I hate, more than anything, for someone to tell me that their way is better than mine.

Fact:
I don’t like anyone, ever, pointing out obvious things to me, (like I should be exercising if I want to get in shape.)

Fact:
I am, at all times, fully aware of my shortcomings and lack of effort and do not care for others telling me I am not working hard enough.

Fact:
I get bored easily and do not like working much at improving my skills at anything. If I don’t know how to do it, I probably won’t make the effort to learn.

Fact:
I’m pretty sure my son shares all of the same traits above and I’m pretty sure I have done all of the above to him.

So, let’s turn the tables while I work to encourage myself to blog. I love writing. Probably more than anything. But it takes time, effort, and hard work. It takes practice, it takes focus. And I truly want to write for a living someday. But I am afraid. I am afraid of the hard work and the focus and that I’m just not good enough. And when people encourage me to write, I sometimes shut down. And I make up excuses that I don’t have time or anything to share. Total lies. (fibs).

I proved to myself, by writing 18 blog posts in (about) 20 or so days, that I could do this. It was hard. I stayed up late because that’s when I had free time. I pushed myself to work up to my potential. And then I fell. And crumpled into a ball. I let life get in the way and I realized I was not going to reach my goal. So I kept putting it off. And the days kept stacking up. And I was aware, the whole time, that I had failed.

Overwhelmed and uninspired, I have re-encouraged myself to move forward. I made up the 40 day challenge, and I will keep going until I finish, no matter how long that takes.

Seeing the same patterns in my son gives me both worry and hope. I worry he will never live up to the potential we all see simply because he doesn’t want to do the work to get there. I worry the piles of work will look too daunting and he will never believe he can jump back in.

But I have hope that he WILL learn to encourage himself the way he needs it, and that I will learn the same.

In the meantime, I’ve offered him one dollar for every assignment he finishes.

It’s a start. And, so far, it’s working.

this post  is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

 

40 Days of Blogging

taintedfishsticks 2 Comments

March 5, 2014

Today, on the first day of Lent, I’ve decided to give up a few things. I’m giving up making myself too busy to blog. I’m giving up the notion that I don’t have much to say. I’m giving up the fear of saying the wrong thing. Instead, I’m giving myself a free pass to write every day from now until Easter, no matter what. It might be a short post, it might be a chapter, or even an attempt at poetry. Whatever I feel called to write, it’s going to happen. No matter what.

Also, during this time, I’m following a 40 day devotional called “ReThink Life” on my bible app as a means to participate in the spiritual discipline of bible study. This may sound like a lot, but if I know anything, I know that spending time with God is ALWAYS life giving, and never a waste of my day.

I hope you join me during this journey. And maybe think of this time as a way to grow, rather than a time of going without.

See you here tomorrow!

Shadows of My Past

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I took a walk tonight. First time in a LONG time. I had it in my head I was going to yoga, but that plan was derailed due to a broken down car situation. As God would have it, however, a walk was more appropriate. When I walk I tend to get really quiet and talk, listen, worship and pray to God. It’s my favorite place. It’s my best place. And I rarely go there. Too much to do. But tonight, I took a walk, and in that short time, in the dark, I was reminded (again) of what God has for me.

I don’t like walking in the dark alone, but tonight I didn’t have a choice. And I kept looking behind me thinking I saw someone following me. I had headphones in, so I couldn’t hear footsteps, but I FELT someone there. Every time I turned, I saw only my shadow, following me. I felt like a kid in that moment and pretended it really WAS someone else. And then I realized maybe it REPRESENTED someone else.

At the beginning of my walk I was rushed yet determined. I was getting some exercise and I wasn’t letting anything stand in my way. I jumped out the door and pushed forward with only one goal: walk for at least a mile and go back home. In my determination, God was able to bust through and remind me that I had a few things to pray for and this was a really good time to take care of that. Several people I know came to mind and I started praying. And it was during that prayer time I kept looking back at my shadow and wondering why I felt so tense and so paranoid. As I continued on and continued to pray and listen to worship music, I heard the words reminding me that God made me just the way I am and he’s been taking me through some really scary stuff in order to get me to where he wants me to be. And as I listened and meditated on those words I felt stronger and less afraid. And I said (to myself), “Yeah! You DID make me and you did a great job! Thank you for all of the challenge you have put me through and what I’ve yet to see.” And it was then that those shadows were no longer following me, but were instead BESIDE me.

I noticed my pace had picked up and I wondered how bad my legs would hurt the next day. But I kept on going, praying and listening. I felt God walking right with me and we talked about a few things and prayed for a few more people together. I love when I feel that connected to him.

As I turned another corner, I saw my shadow stand tall in front of me. And, no matter which way I turned, it was there, stretching out before me. And it made me realize how strong I am because of God and how much he has in store for me. Plans I have no idea about and plans I could never come up with on my own. He’s way cooler than anything I can dream up. And with his strength and with my faith he helps me let go of my past, the me of before, and walks with me on my journey into the new me. And he reveals to me his one and only plan that matters which is that he is for me and has great plans for my life.

I spent last year going through a lot of challenge and change. And through that God is transforming me and showing me an incredible future. I am thankful for the yuck and the hard stuff and the energy to continue on, and I can’t wait to live the plans he has for me. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future… Jeremiah 29:11

For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it. Mark 8:35

This is my first post of 2014 and, even though it’s a couple weeks into the New Year, I feel I’m ready to take this year one day at a time. God revealed to me already that he has incredible plans of healing and peace for me this year. But I have some work to do before that happens. I look forward to sharing more of my journey with you!

Did you make a New Year’s Resolution? What has God revealed to you about this coming year?

Blessings in a toilet bowl

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So, I dropped my phone in the toilet at Costco yesterday. Exactly one month and 7 days after it was purchased at the very same store.

If you’ve read my rants about shopping at Costco previously, you know it’s a place I both love and hate. Certainly I still shop there out of some decided necessity. Not that I can’t get everything in the world in other places in the world. But, I digress….read my last post about Costco if you want the scoop. On this particular day, I was on a mission to seek and destroy my shopping list so I could be home for at least 30 minutes before the next ‘to do’ on my schedule. As I pulled into the lot, the dreaded urge to pee came over me in a huge way. I contemplated holding it but knew I couldn’t. The sheer annoyance of navigating to the bathroom at Costco might actually outweigh all other negative aspects of the shopping experience there. I grabbed my cart, rolled all the way across the store, noted the ridiculous Disneyland long lines I would soon be part of, and found what I thought to be a safe place to keep my cart. I then did some sort of speed-walk to the restroom to do my business. As I prepared to sit on the toilet, I heard the ‘plop!’ I turned quickly to see my beautiful HTC One staring up at me under a few inches of water. “Help!” it cried (not really). I’m sure I paused a moment in panic, said something aloud for all to hear, and then grabbed it out and proceeded to dry it with toilet paper. Meanwhile, I was standing in the stall, half-dressed, and still needing to pee. Once I felt the phone was dry, I dropped it in my purse and carried on. Only to grabbed it out moments later wondering if I had just contaminated the contents of my bag.

By now I was sweating and wondering what to do next. As I finished up I washed my hands and headed back to my cart. Which, of course, was now missing. I then grabbed another abandoned cart and headed through the store in reverse of my normal shopping pattern. It was then that I stopped again and grabbed my phone out of my bag. It seemed urgent to me that I tell someone, ANYONE, what had just happened. And I wondered if the phone was still working. It seemed to be, but maybe was a little off. So I kept texting, shopping, worrying, pulling it in and out of my pocket (which initial location is why it dropped in the toilet in the first place) and finally called my husband as I drove out of the parking lot. (WA State disclaimer: Was using my in-car Bluetooth). This is when I noticed error messages popping up, which I promptly deleted.

Okay, you get it. I dropped my phone in the toilet at Costco and possibly ruined it.

Here’s where my personal reflection comes in. I have been thinking about my family’s excessive use of mobile devices and the like for some time now (probably well over a year). And I’ve considered having a ‘Cyber Free Sunday’ where we completely un-plug from all things electronical (yes, you read that right). But all I do is THINK about it, and do nothing to move this plan forward. Enter the book I am currently reading: “7, An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess,” by Jen Hatmaker. While this is not a offical book review, I suggest STRONGLY that you read this book. If anything for the comical factor (I puffy heart her writing) and the realness of it all. Not only am I in the middle of this book, but I’m on the section about MEDIA. Where her entire family unplugs from Facebook, Twitter, texting, tv, etc. Her only source of info is email because it’s a major part of her job. This in itself intrigued me simply because I’ve been thinking about the negative effects of too much media time on relationships.

When I returned home from Costco, I turned off my phone (which apparently I should have done right after it plopped) and put in a bin of rice. This is supposed to dry it out. But it has to sit in there for 24 hour. 24 hours. 24 hours. This kept repeating in my head because I knew I would be without it until late Saturday afternoon. And this bothered me. A lot. And then it bothered me that it bothered me. And I kept staring at my phone taking a nap in a container of rice. Almost like it was in a coma. A phone coma. And I didn’t know if it would ever wake up.

Quickly I jumped on my iPad and posted on Facebook about my dilemma. Certainly the ‘world’ needed to know about this and electronically console me. And then I realized I needed to get a hold of a friend. And I thought I’d just send her a quick text message. But I couldn’t. I knew an email wouldn’t receive a quick response, so I realized I had to take the last resort and make a phone call. A PHONE CALL. On the REAL phone. And I didn’t have her phone number memorized. From there a web of me calling my husband and him calling a friend and her calling me to give me the other friend’s number happened.

Ridiculous, right? Not so much ridiculous as it was just an inconvenience because we are so used to having everything and everyone available to us at a moment’s notice. And when we are FORCED to rely on our ‘old ways’ of doing things, we realize how good we have it with all of our devices.

The rest of the evening I spent on my iPad looking and posting on Facebook. I was bored and was missing out on an incredible Young Life event because I also happen to have a nasty cold (I’m sure made worse by shopping). I posted about the phone, about how I was sad to miss the event, a picture of me in my YL t-shirt, that my husband was mowing the lawn in the dark (true story), and finally updated my profile picture. All things not important at all. And all because I have possibly lost my way in the ‘real world’ and forgotten how to just ‘be’.

Later that night I finished reading the chapter in “7” about media. At just the right time, the event of the day was making sense to me and I was glad for it. God orchestrates everything in our life for a reason. And He knew I had been troubled by the whole device thing for a while and He was giving me (forcing me) to let go for just a little while. This is his standard M.O. when working with me because I have a hard time actually taking the first step towards change. It’s like he takes both hands and gives me a good shove in order for anything to happen. And I’m okay with that.

This time he took away the phone to let me know that what I have been thinking and feeling was right on target. That I DO need to unplug more. With a new job and some other awesome things going on in my life, I have let go of all of the stuff that keeps me centered, like exercise, eating well, spending time with friends, and WRITING. Writing is like air and water to me, and I’m deprived. (maybe why this post is so long). But what I didn’t push out of my life was the time I spend texting, emailing, and Facebooking. The time that ticks by endlessly as I search of something good in places that have never fed me and never will.

So I’m forced to be without my phone for another 4 hours today. And I don’t even know if it will work when I take it out of its rice spa. But in the meantime, I’ve allowed myself to fill time with this blog post. And I plan to sit outside for a while and enjoy what might be the last sunny day until July 5th. And I’m going to read, make some homemade chicken noodle soup and maybe even take a nap. Things that rejuvenate my body and my soul and my mind.

Why do we push out those things in our life that fill us up in a positive way? Why have we used our devices as ways to drag us down instead of build us up? Do you think a drastic media-fast is the only way to change these habits? Or can we find balance in it all? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. I’ve missed you!

Broken Heart

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Gloria & I

Gloria & I

I have just returned from my first mission trip. We travelled to Tegucigalpa, Honduras to serve women and children there. My 13-year-old son was with me, along with 29 other amazing people from my church. While I am still processing all that God showed me on this trip, I know whole heartedly now why he called me to Honduras.

I was so afraid to go on this mission. My fear was crippling at times. Mostly it was the feeling of lack of control. Some of it was feeling I couldn’t meet the challenge of serving these people. And, finally, I was afraid of how God was going to change me through this.

A lot of preparation went in to this trip. Lots of meetings with our team, learning dances, extensive packing lists, medications, fund-raising, collecting supplies, and obtaining passports. All of these details helped with the overall organization of our trip and these were the things that caused me the most stress. But what really prepared us were the endless prayers over our team, the daily devotional readings, the bond we were creating with each other, and the plan that God had for each one of us.

My constant prayer to God was to keep me and the team safe from harm. I knew that we needed protection from attacks and from sickness. And I prayed every day that he would walk with us the entire time with a shroud of protection over us. And that he would be our hands and our feet. And he answered that prayer.

“I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.” Genesis 28:15

From the moment I stepped off the plane in Tegucigalpa, I felt God grab my hand and walk with me. My fears were left behind on the airplane, and the Holy Spirit took over my entire soul. I was His hands and feet, his voice, his heart. There is no other explanation for the peace I had the entire trip. God’s peace and presence is a power unlike any other.

“I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” Ephesians 3:16-19

That scripture was given to me from one of the women I serve with at my church before I left. When I received it, I didn’t understand fully why it was just for me and why God had put it on her heart to give it to me. But that’s how God works. He presents us with many messages, and when we listen and reflect on what he has done for us, we start to see his greater plan in our life.

God walked with me and removed my need for control on this trip. Everything we needed was provided for us. A clean place to sleep, nourishing food, safety, and strength. (The details) God also gave me everything I needed to serve the women and children. (His hands and feet)

What I wasn’t ever able to anticipate was what God had for me on this trip; How he wanted to change me. And that scared me most of all. Because change is scary when you aren’t the one handling it. But I now know that when you let God be the one to change you, the result is the most rewarding and powerful feeling you could NEVER imagine without experiencing it.

At one of our meetings, we spent time talking about prayer. Specifically how to pray over other people we feel led to pray for. We knew that the Honduran people we would serve may ask for prayer, or we may ask to prayer for them. And we didn’t know their language, so we had to rely completely on the Holy Spirit to guide our words. During this meeting, we were also asked to spend time asking God to reveal to us some glimpses of what we would experience on our trip. During that quiet time, we wrote down words that came to us. Here is my list:

Broken heart
Woman with beads
Child in a green shirt, orange pants
Hotel worker – female
Spanish
Flowers
Blue shirt man
grass
Carlos’ mom
heart necklace
John 1:15
arch/bridge

As I reflect on our trip, I can honestly say each and every one of the things on the list represents an experience I had there. When I wrote this list, I had no idea God was revealing to me EXACTLY what he had for me on this trip. And what I was most afraid of: Change.

You see, God did change me. And he did it through healing my broken heart. I had love showered on me from these people that I’ve never felt before in my life. There was one woman in particular who showed me to way to healing. Her name is Gloria. Through her love and her prayers for me, I was healed. And I have been praying forever to heal my broken heart so that I could receive love from others. I have been shielding my heart for a lot of my life and it had left me incredibly lonely. And by protecting my heart I had been missing out on the love God wanted for me from others and from the love He has for me. I knew I hadn’t given my whole heart to God, but I didn’t want to admit it. And I believe somehow I knew that’s what God wanted from me on this trip. And that’s why I was so afraid. Because I wanted to keep my heart to myself. I wasn’t ready to let it go. But God opened my heart fully to Him and I felt his full and complete love for the first time.

I will write more about my experience there and how these people didn’t need our love, hope, or faith. But instead, they showed us what it truly means to love God and love others. God bless the people of Honduras for their faith. We have a lot to learn here at home. And I pray I can continue to be God’s hands and feet to show others the way.

“How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!” 1 John 3:1

God showed me that I am worthy of his love. I am worthy to be called one of his children. And I am worthy to do his work in this broken world. And that is what I intend to do.

Living the Uncomfortable Life

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I skipped my morning bible study reading because I told myself I was going to write today. I had a fabulous blog all thought out in the middle of the night. Of course, I haven’t a clue what it was about now. Even my 13-year-old tells me I need to keep a journal by my bed to record these ideas. I’m not sure when I will come to terms with the fact that my brain is such a jumble most of the time, I can’t possibly keep extra ideas in there for more than a few minutes. So, I’m going to write about what’s on my mind, right this minute.

The ‘jumble’, that is my mind, is on overload lately. I’m pretty sure when I speak to people it’s evident. I talk in circles and probably never really express what I’m trying to. And I want so much to let people know what I’m thinking. I what them to learn from my mistakes and wins. I want them to know they are loved. I want them to know I’m praying for them in a real intense way. I want them to know that I’m in this mess of life with them, and I want to make them laugh.

What am I talking about? Right. Circles again. I’m talking about the fact that my mind and my heart are pulled in so many directions right now, that I can’t give much of anything TO anything, or anyone. I asked God very clearly this year to bring me out of my ‘regular’ life, and challenge me. I told him I would trust him to carry me beyond my fears. I told him I was done living the ‘safe’ life and I wanted to know what else He had for me. That, in itself, what a bold step of faith. I mean, we ask God for lots of things, like help with a problem, to heal the sick, to mend a relationship, and to bring certain joy. But, how often do we ask him for MORE than what’s in front of us? How often do we tell him, ‘okay God, I know you have great things for me, so I’m gonna just wait here and let you handle things from now on’? Well, for me, I can honestly say I NEVER asked him for more.

Well, he’s answered my prayer. In a huge way. And, I can honestly say, my faith is wavering. My trust in Him presenting me with new opportunities is not solid. I feel he’s put me on overload. He’s given me MORE than I can handle. He’s doing exactly what I asked him and I’m all, “Wait! I’m not sure you totally understood what I asked you. I mean, I WANT what you want for me, but I probably need to be eased into it s-l-o-w-l-y.’

You know sometimes when you talk (or write) something out, the ridiculousness of your emotions hits you in the face? Well, mine just did. DUH! Look what I just wrote! God ANSWERED my prayer. He did EXACTLY what I asked. But, I haven’t received his answer with the full amount of faith that is required. And, He’s not surprised. He knew exactly what I would do. I would turn it into an overwhelming situation and FREAK OUT. He also knew I would waver in my faith in him, which allows Satan to creep into that ‘jumble’. But he doesn’t just ‘creep’ in, he JUMPS in. Full force. He uses self-doubt, confusion, and even sickness to drag me down.

But, what God also knew was that just the ASKING part was an incredible step in my faith. And He knows that it’s just enough for me to hang on to him for the ride. And it’s gonna be a FAST and bumpy one. And I’m NOT ready. And I’m freaked out. And that leaves me vulnerable. I have a choice to fix my eyes on Him anyway. I have a choice to reject the negative talk, and the push of Satan who wants me to fall back into my ‘regular’ life. And I have the choice to say ‘no’ to it all and get back into my comfort zone.

The truth is, I feel like I’m floating above the ground right now. That nothing is nailed down and nothing is safe. Nothing is ‘normal’ and everything is off-balance. So, I’m pretty sure this is all part of God’s plan, but I’d be okay if this weird floaty part would end very soon. And I want to have my eyes wide open when it does so I can understand what He’s doing, and bring my faith in Him back up to where it needs to be.

”For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. – Jeremiah 29:11

Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark

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We had these next door neighbors growing up that had HBO. This may not seem shocking, except that is was the early 80’s. They had a huge antenna on top of OUR roof, just so they could get the signal. They recorded every single movie and had a huge alphabetized and cataloged VHS collection. It was like having Blockbuster right next door, but free (to us). I was about 11 years old and the neighbors were 1 and 3 years younger than me. We watched TONS of scary movies. TONS. Movies like “Halloween” (still freaks me out), and “Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark” (the original). I have to tell you, I HATE scary movies. In fact, I still freak myself out when it’s dark in the house. Admittedly, I don’t step anywhere on the floor close to my bed if it’s dark. I take an extra-large step so that nothing can grab my ankles from under the bed. Yes, I do this. Yes, I’m 42.  I don’t know why I watched all those movies and I don’t know where any of our parents were. I won’t even watch cop shows because I freak out so much. I probably need some sort of hypnosis to remove the still fresh images of some of those films.

As a kid, movies pretty much encompassed all that I thought I was afraid of. They were tangible, and spoke to that certain fear part of the brain. But, what I didn’t realize, is that I was afraid pretty much all of the time, of everything. I was afraid of failure, rejection, sickness, loss, security, and insignificance.  I muddled my way through those years holding on to a thin thread of hope, and always wondering when it would finally snap.  I didn’t even know what that thread was made of, or who held the other end of it. And I so wish that I did.

In my early 30’s, I caught a glimpse of the other end of that string. It was God. But I didn’t understand really who he was and why he’d been helping me my whole life. I just knew if I kept seeking him, somehow that thread would strengthen and become my lifeline. And several years later, with continued seeking, it has become just that.  What I didn’t know, was that Satan is the one who has been running with scissors, chasing me my whole life, with only one mission: to cut that line.

If you are a Christ follower, you might know that the stronger your relationship with Jesus, the more Satan wants to take you down.  I guess that’s why some of the stuff that happened to me before I knew Jesus was not that awful. And, of course, everyone’s awful is completely different. God wanted me so much that he protected me all these years, even when I didn’t acknowledge him. And, when I did, that pissed Satan off majorly.  He brought out those big guns. The ones he started using on me when I was growing up. He tied into all my biggest fears.  You know, failure, rejection, sickness, loss, security, and insignificance. The thing is, he’s actually super crafty, because you wouldn’t think your negative inner voice and low self-worth come from somewhere else. In fact, most people think these thoughts are totally valid, and that the world determines our worth. We believe these to be 100% true. And that’s the crafty part of it, because they are 100% false.

Truth comes only from God. And his truth lives in the Bible. No where that I’ve seen does the Bible talk about how we aren’t able to be a whole person if someone rejects us, or if we lose something or someone in our life. The Bible doesn’t tell us to muddle along life being careful and mediocre because we might fail. It doesn’t tell us we’d better wait until we are fully prepared to start following God’s calling for our life. And it certainly doesn’t say you’d better be sure to follow what everyone else is doing in order to be accepted and loved.

With God on our side, our fears are moot. He promises that he’s already prepared us for what we are supposed to do. He’s prepared us to be significant. Even if we don’t realize it. He won’t send us a detailed list of all the things he’s laid out. But he will be there as you to step out in Faith and do it anyway. Do it blindly. “Do it afraid.” (Joyce Meyer)

The only thing stopping us from stepping out of our comfort zone is our Fear. And Fear comes only from Satan. And God is more powerful than he is. And God is on your side; he’s on your team. He’s holding your hand as you jump of the cliff into the unknown. And he isn’t letting go. And Fear is left behind.

You wouldn’t know it, but I’m afraid to write. I’m afraid it won’t be good enough. I’m afraid it will be useless. I’m afraid of being useless. I’m afraid of crossing the street at an intersection. I’m afraid of calling people and ordering pizza. I’m afraid to ask dumb questions. I’m afraid to accept some truths about myself. I’m afraid of saying I’m sorry. I’m afraid of forgiveness. I’m afraid of giving my heart away. I’m afraid I’m not good enough for anyone or anything. I’m afraid to share my faith. I’m afraid I’m a failure as a wife and a mother. I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing.

I asked God this year to bring me challenges. To open doors that had super scary things on the other side. To help me face the boogie man under the bed. I told him I trusted him enough to bust through my fear and that He would protect me. And, wouldn’t you know it, he’s doing just what I asked. And, of course, this freaks me out. But, just like he said, he’s prepared me for this. In ways I never understood at the time. And I AM taking those steps (most of the time), and I found out that even in the scary, I feel calm. In fact, pushing past the fear (defeating it) makes me feel super good!

It’s time to stop being afraid of the dark. Of the lies. And start stepping out in Faith so that you can see the Truth that is waiting.

What are you afraid of? Do you feel called to do something that totally freaks you out? If so, it’s probably exactly what God wants you to do.

Are you there God? It’s me, Lori

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When my son was in the 3rd or 4th grade, he brought home the book, “Are You There God, It’s Me, Margaret” by Judy Blume from the school library. Having read this book as a young girl, I knew the highlight of this tale. And I wasn’t ready for my son to read about it. I’m guessing because we had read other books by the same author, he was drawn to this. I kindly suggested to him that he really wouldn’t like the book because it was written for girls. In my head I’m thinking, “Why the HECK did the school librarian let him check this out and leave ME to deal with it???”

Oh, the challenges of parenthood. If you have ‘older’ kids, I bet you get that question all the time from  young parents, asking if it gets ‘easier’ as they get older. “HA!” I often say. No. It’s more challenging in an emotional and intellectual way. The older they get, the smarter they get, and your tricks no longer work. Oh, and you have to make sure you are setting a good example, and raising them up to be responsible, God-fearing, and generous adults. Cause they aren’t under your 24/7 watch anymore. No. It’s not easy.

But, I’ve come to understand, that NOTHING that is worthwhile in life is EASY. Not. At. All. Which brings me to a realization that I have basically skated through life participating in almost nothing that brought me out of my ‘comfort zone’. Nothing that truly challenged my belief in myself. And certainly nothing BIG that God has in store for me.  Yes, I’ve done A LOT (of stuff). Yes, I’ve accomplished things that seem pretty big. Yes, I’ve contributed to things that have made a difference. But, all of these, were still in my comfort zone. Even if they were on the very edge.

I can honestly say I have barely dipped my toe in the pool of challenge. At the same time, I can also say that I’ve claimed to. I’ve built myself up sometimes to believe I hurdled over gigantic obstacles and came out better on the other side. Yes, I have overcome things. Yes, I have grown in a positive way from these experiences. But, there’s just something so familiar about every challenge I feel I’ve taken on. And familiar typically means comfortable. Similar. Something I understand. Something I am prepared for. Something I have control of. Which, in my new understanding, does not qualify as a true CHALLENGE.

I am not here to say I am worthless and haven’t accomplished anything. Not in any way. I am super proud of things I’ve done and even surprised at a lot of it. Things like parenting. I’ve done a great job, alongside my husband, to raise an incredible kid. And EVERYONE who becomes a parent for the first time knows that this is the biggest challenge of life. It rocks your world in every direction, and you are never prepared for it.

But since that time, what HAS rocked my world? I mean, I’m trying to cut coffee for the next month and I can’t even bring myself to do that. And to me THAT is huge. Which, when I think about it, is so small. When did coffee rule my world? Wait. That’s probably another blog, because I think my love for coffee is up there with my love for Nigel, my car.

I’m feeling a looming challenge ahead. And I’m TERRIFIED to say the least. And it might not even be a THING, but a sin or, dare I say AGAIN…Control.

Giving up control and truly living by faith could be every Christ follower’s biggest challenge. I mean, God made us all full of personality and brains, and then he tells us HE wants to be in charge? But I’M in charge? I’M the boss of me!

Sounds a lot like parenting older kids. They are full of this personality and brains I speak of, and certainly want to be in control at all times. This frustrates the heck out of me as a parent. It makes me feel insignificant much of the time. I can imagine how frustrated this must make God. When all he wants is the best for us. And all he asks is that we listen to what He’s saying, and DO IT. We let HIM be in control of our lives.  How insignificant we make him feel when we turn from him and walk our own path.

So, God, I get it. You want me to walk by faith and give up my control. Which pretty much translates into every single thing in my life. I know that YOU know I can do this. But I also know that you know I don’t believe I can. So, please, walk with me through this. Show me the way. And help me give up that control to you so I can truly know what GREAT things you have in store for me. Amen.

When is ‘Enough’, Enough?

taintedfishsticks 2 Comments

This morning, while catching up on some missed bible study lessons from the fall, I was presented with a compelling question; Is God Enough? Or, do I want just a little bit more? As a Christ follower, Jesus is supposed to be my everything. But as a person, living in the world, I don’t think I give him that title, or believe he is ‘enough’.

Even Jesus’ disciples struggled with this. They spent tons of time with him, with God, and still asked for more. “Lord, show us the Father and that will be enough for us.” John 14:18. They wanted physical proof that God exists, even though they were walking with him the entire time.

Many people don’t believe God exists at all. Maybe it’s because they have struggles in life, or maybe it’s because they don’t believe what they can’t see. The thing is, it doesn’t matter if you believe in God, or not, life still has struggles, and we still won’t ever see God here on this earth. Following Jesus doesn’t make your life awesome and without mess. Instead, it provides you with the instructions on how to navigate this world and the challenges in it. As a Christ follower, you understand that God’s instructions are simple, yet majorly impactful. Following God brings peace and comfort during terrible times, and joy and thanksgiving to follow. God is not out to get us EVER. Instead, he is for us ALWAYS. And he will help guide us through the ups and downs of life every single step of the way.

And we will never see him there. But we know that he is.

The truth is, physical proof of God’s presence is all around us. I know it’s all around me. But, if I’m not focused on Jesus, I won’t see it. Because God rarely presents my answered prayers in the way I expected. And he pretty much never shows me a path that I planned out ahead of time. He certainly doesn’t give me a to do list each day with bullets and priorities, just how I’d like it.

But, in all honesty, I want these things. I want clear instructions. I want a detailed list. I want things to happen quickly, and I want to be happy all the time. I want God to show up one morning for coffee and give me all the inside details that I just don’t understand. I want a ‘thumbs up’ or ‘thumbs down’ when I ask him if I should do something. I want to know the future, and I want to know exactly what heaven looks like. But, mostly, I want everyone in the world to know God.

And when I spend time in prayer, I don’t see him sitting next to me, or feel him wrap his arms around me, but he does. All day long. He walks with me, he talks with me, and most importantly, he loves me unconditionally. He knows me better than anyone. And he is FOR me. Always. And he is here for you too. Whether you believe it or not.

So what else DO I need? Certainly, God should be enough.

Is God enough? Is he even anything to you? Are you finding what you need in this world? Because YOU are enough and everything to him. What’s holding you back from finding out?

The Woes of a Temporary Vegan: Part 1

taintedfishsticks 4 Comments

12 used to be my favorite number. But not today. I have exactly 12 days left of my 28 day Vegan Detox. Yes, if you can believe it, I made it through the first 16 days. I’d like to note that I just had to use a calculator to figure out how many days it’s been. This is because my brain doesn’t work anymore.

I am food deprived. I don’t care what anyone says about all the amazing vegan/gluten/sugar free recipes out there. They are still just combos of veggies, beans, weird grains, and tofu. I might puke if I eat another bean. That, or blow a hole in my pants from farting so much. And I think there’s a reason quinoa is an ‘ancient grain’. Because it’s old skool and needs to stay in the history books. (not that I’ve EVER seen it mentioned)

My pantry is completely foreign to me right now. It’s like I’m living in someone else’s house. I’m having flashbacks to childhood when I’d be afraid to eat at a friend’s because they ate things like ‘Bugles’ and put corn syrup on their pancakes. I open up my fridge and freak out at the sight of tofu and the 14 varieties of ‘alternate milk’ products. And why are they sold in a box? Is almond milk too good for a regular carton?

Did I happen to mention I think my 11 year old son is also starving? I can barely figure out what I’m going to eat, let alone make sure he has food too. This whole vegan thing has caused me to become a neglectful parent. For all I know, he stealing other kids lunches and trading his shoes for slices of pizza. He might have to live off his Halloween candy for the next couple of weeks. And not that I’d notice, because, again, my brain doesn’t work anymore.

I frickin want a piece of cheese. Anything melted will do. I dare not try any of the fake versions for fear I will actually die of total disgust. I have very few principles that I live by, but one definitely is, ‘thou shall not eat imposter meat or dairy products’. This includes tofu shaped like hot dogs or turkey, and rice milk formed into shredded cheese.

I am a lot of things, but I’m certainly not vegan. I’m not sure I even can applaud those who are. I feel they are so restricted and missing out on amazing food. Of course, maybe food isn’t such a big part of their life, like it is mine. And maybe they are more emotionally stable when it comes to accepting alternate protein sources.

What I AM, is particular and stubborn. I’m also a rule follower and rarely give up or back down. I believe I have met my match. The vegan detox may beat me. I am weak, and left with minimal willpower. Cheese enchiladas are calling my name. “Lori! We miss you!”. Did I mention I am also delusional? Clearly.