40DaysofBlogging

The Path of Hope

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Day 21, April 11, 2014

This is the day the Lord has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it.
Psalm 118:24

Last night, when I wasn’t sleeping due to a chocolate ice cream indulgence, I heard God say very clearly to me, “Enough of your worry! It’s time to find joy in every day. Choose joy.” God’s voice often sounds like my  voice, but I can usually tell when it’s him and not me. Mostly because my preference is to dwell on the yuck and never believe joy is available to me.

Why do we choose darkness over light? Why do we let our worries consume us? Why do we live waiting for the next problem to come along? For me, it’s because somewhere along the way I decided I’m not worthy of good things hanging around for long.

My thoughts never really ‘verbalize’ this feeling clearly, but certainly continue to emphasize that trouble is probably right around the corner if anything is looking good at the moment. I grew up feeling fearful most of the time. I lacked security. No horrible experience created that feeling, but my environment was unstable enough that I never felt comfortable.

I created a life of concern and a future of hopelessness. In my mind.

I didn’t grow up knowing Jesus, but I’m pretty sure I believed in God. It just made sense that he was out there somewhere making things happen all around me. I believed he was the one who protected me from harm, but not so much the one that made me feel whole. Because I never did.

And bad things did happen to and around me. Things I worried about came true. And I held on to the notion that my worry was some sort of future predictor. My experience proved it. So I never experienced hope much because I knew there was always a way for it to get crushed. Too much hope would always end in disappointment.

God did not create us to be driven by false hope.

God created us to put our hope and future in His hands. To let the Holy Spirit guide our every step and let Jesus feed our comfort and crush our worry. He has things figured out already and asks us to trust him in that. And as I continue to learn and grow closer in my relationship with him, I am living a life of letting go of the worry when it shows up, trusting that God has this handled, and asking him for the tools to get through it.

God HAS always been there as my protector. He was there calling to me most if my life, but it took a bit for me to answer. And when I did, the transformation towards peace began.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
Psalm 40:2

He calls me to trust him and to live a life filled with joy and real hope. He wants that for me and he wants that for you. Will you choose to follow the path of hope today? I will.

this post  is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

The Future Starts Now

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Day 20: April 6, 2014

My current ‘economic circumstance’ {tight budget} causes me grief on a daily basis. Frequently I want to throw a three year old style fit and scream my head off until someone shuts me up promising to take me to Hawaii. But, I tell my three year old emotions to hold on because the rest of me is over forty and capable of going without for just a little longer.

But this is growing increasingly more difficult.

Often, I turn to regret for a dysfunctional comfort. I blame my past idiotic self for my current lack of funds to buy a new outfit. I’m certain if I knew better at a young age, I would be basking in the light of wealth, instead of shadowed by my current financial reality.

Forecast: increasing clouds with no chance of sun.

In the event I really could go back in time to change my financial destiny, here’s what I might tell my 20-something year old self:

Dear Self,

Save your money. And by save, I mean like 50 percent or more of it. You don’t need to live by the beach and buy all of your meals from a restaurant. That new car is awesome, but you can’t afford it. Take the bus until you’ve saved up enough to pay cash for your car. And only after you’ve saved a crap load of cash for your future. That second job you are working to afford your lifestyle should be your savings account, not even more spending money. As a point of encouragement, kudos for planning an excellent but inexpensive wedding and for your willingness to maintain two jobs.

Give at least 10% of your money to charity. You haven’t found Jesus yet, so I’m not going to insist you give it to a church. {However, as a side note, I really wish you would find Jesus because you are about to make some really dumb choices that he probably would sway you away from.} Sharing your wealth is freeing and a great tax break. More so freeing, but you’ll understand that when you read the Bible someday.

Sacrifice during your younger years so you can live a less restricted life after 40. You aren’t going to have the two job energy like you do now, but you will have to work because you unexpectedly decide to send your son to private school with no savings to pay for it. And you really need a vacation when you are older because you get tired more easily. But when every last penny is accounted for, you won’t have the luxury of travel.

Under no circumstance whatsoever should you go into debt. Not for a car, a vacation, new clothes, or, dare I say, a home. You were lucky to leave college with only a tiny bit of debt, and you should start saving now for your kid’s college because it will cost about a billion times more than yours did. If you buy a home, save up more than 20% to put down and pay extra each year so you can pay it off. If you can’t afford a 15 year fixed loan, you can’t afford that house. Deal with it.

I want you to live a life that doesn’t feel suffocated by finances. And I want you to be free to give more than you ever dreamed so you can make a difference in the world. And I want you to give your family opportunities to learn and experience life. I want you to worry less in the future. Trust me, I know what I’m talking about.

So I know I can’t go back in time and tell myself these things, but I certainly hope someone hears it. And I don’t want you to think for a minute that I am not thankful for what I have. We have been blessed beyond measure. It’s just taken us a really long time to figure out how to appropriately manage our money in a God-honoring way. And when you are in your 40’s and finally sacrificing for your future, it is a lot harder and will take a lot more time to get to where you need to be than if you’d started 20 years earlier.

Where would you like to be in the near and distant future? Are you sacrificing for it?

this post  is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

 

The Art of Encouragement

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Day 19: April 4, 2014

{I broke my stride on my way to 40 blogs for Lent. Here is #19, 7 days late}

I find myself, once again, being humbled by circumstance. This time I see a mirror reflection of myself in my son.

Is it just me, or does it sometimes feel like our children grabbed hold of our worst qualities and make them their own? Why does my son have to be excellent at arguing? And fibbing (lying). Why can he morph himself to almost any situation? Why can he make that horrifically mean face so well? Why does his attitude change like the wind? And why can I not, for the life if me, figure out how to relate to my mirror image self?

I’ve come to the conclusion that, if presented with the opportunity, I would be my own worst enemy.

This helps me understand, perhaps, why I am not doing the best job motivating my son to make doing well in school a priority. I am an annoyance. My ways of encouragement are irritating at best. My controlling approach is a buzz kill.  My presence is loathsome.

Fact:
I hate, more than anything, for someone to tell me that their way is better than mine.

Fact:
I don’t like anyone, ever, pointing out obvious things to me, (like I should be exercising if I want to get in shape.)

Fact:
I am, at all times, fully aware of my shortcomings and lack of effort and do not care for others telling me I am not working hard enough.

Fact:
I get bored easily and do not like working much at improving my skills at anything. If I don’t know how to do it, I probably won’t make the effort to learn.

Fact:
I’m pretty sure my son shares all of the same traits above and I’m pretty sure I have done all of the above to him.

So, let’s turn the tables while I work to encourage myself to blog. I love writing. Probably more than anything. But it takes time, effort, and hard work. It takes practice, it takes focus. And I truly want to write for a living someday. But I am afraid. I am afraid of the hard work and the focus and that I’m just not good enough. And when people encourage me to write, I sometimes shut down. And I make up excuses that I don’t have time or anything to share. Total lies. (fibs).

I proved to myself, by writing 18 blog posts in (about) 20 or so days, that I could do this. It was hard. I stayed up late because that’s when I had free time. I pushed myself to work up to my potential. And then I fell. And crumpled into a ball. I let life get in the way and I realized I was not going to reach my goal. So I kept putting it off. And the days kept stacking up. And I was aware, the whole time, that I had failed.

Overwhelmed and uninspired, I have re-encouraged myself to move forward. I made up the 40 day challenge, and I will keep going until I finish, no matter how long that takes.

Seeing the same patterns in my son gives me both worry and hope. I worry he will never live up to the potential we all see simply because he doesn’t want to do the work to get there. I worry the piles of work will look too daunting and he will never believe he can jump back in.

But I have hope that he WILL learn to encourage himself the way he needs it, and that I will learn the same.

In the meantime, I’ve offered him one dollar for every assignment he finishes.

It’s a start. And, so far, it’s working.

this post  is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

 

What Not To Wear

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Day 18: March 28, 2014

Tonight I saw a 7′ tall bearded man walk into Red Robin wearing overalls. And I was totally okay with it. It was totally his look. He rocked it.

What I’m not okay with is the impending overall trend that is hitting the shelves of both Target and Nordstrom. Overalls on sale for nearly $300. THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS PEOPLE!

The last time I knew someone who was not a farmer or worked otherwise where this attire proves helpful, was a friend in the late 90’s/early 2000’s who was pregnant. I was one of the pregnant ones who thought the loose fitting full length denim look was flattering in month 8.

The last time I looked good in overalls might have been my A Smile Gelatis from the 6th grade. Lavender cotton awesomeness with an ice cream cone emblem to boot.

That was 1981.

Here I am in 1990 wearing bleached shortfalls. My now husband is rocking excellent 90's fashion. And my best friend's high waist shorts are up to her neck.

Here I am in 1990 wearing bleached shortalls. My now husband is rocking excellent 90’s fashion. And my best friend’s high waist shorts are up to her neck.

I know in the 90’s the overall trend was big with guys (boy bands) and ladies, even those not pregnant, but we can all agree the 90’s in general was TRAGIC for fashion. Tragic. {see photo}

Is it possible for us to squash this before it goes viral? Can we save people from themselves and fizzle out the trend before it even happens? Who’s behind this anyway? Is it some form of social experiment?

Weird things are happening in the world. Really weird things. Unexplainable things. Please don’t let this be one of them.

#justsaynotooveralls

this post  is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

Until The Next Goodbye

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Day 17: March 27, 2014

Our next door neighbors just moved. 4th family to live in that house since we’ve been in ours. This family was there for such a short time, we didn’t really get the chance to know them well. The two families before that we became good friends with.

But they all moved.

Last summer our best friends moved from 2 blocks away to several thousand miles away. My brother and family moved 6 hours drive time away. My Uncle passed away.

People leave.

Not sure why I have experienced so many goodbyes in the last year. But I know it’s really sucked. My heart feels ripped out. And sad.

What are we supposed to do when we experience loss?

For me, MY answer is to just be sad and feel sorry for myself. I cry a lot about it. I get depressed. I decide that it’s not worth getting close to anyone else because they will probably leave too.

How can we experience life if we shut out opportunities to be with people?

We don’t. When we protect ourselves from hurt by being alone, we don’t ever experience life. God created us to do life with other people. The thing is, we don’t get to choose for how long that is.

People come into our life for a period of time.

If I had it my way, people in my life would stay forever. Of course any mean or annoying ones would not. But those who I adore would always be here with me. They would never move and they would never die.

But God’s perfect time is never the same as mine.

I have a long list of incredible people in my life that I have access to right now. And I’ve pushed them all out because I’m tired from loss. I’m weary from sadness.

And I’m missing out on living life with others.

Who knew it would be so hard for me to reach out and grab hold of my friends? Those who already love me and those who are probably just waiting for me to dig out of my hole. And I’m embarrassed to admit that I think I’ve known I’m intentionally staying here, even when I blame it on busy.

It’s time to let others back in.

And even if I know that people leave, for various reasons, it should never keep me away from enjoying the time I DO have with them. It should never determine my willingness to develop new relationships. It should never keep me from living right now.

Because right now is all the time we have for sure.

As I wrote about yesterday, part of being a Christ Follower is living life differently. One specific thing is to do life with others. Not ever wallow away by myself. And if I’m going all in for this, it’s time to take part is one of the best life-giving experiences ever – people!

Life is so much better with others to share it with!

Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart,
    and the pleasantness of a friend
    springs from their heartfelt advice
Proverbs 27:9

Do you ever find yourself ‘hiding’ from the world? Do you use your busy to protect your heart?

this post  is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

A Narrow Road to Life

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Day 16: March 26, 2014

“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.”
Matthew 7:13-14

These verses really got me thinking yesterday.

As I navigate through my life as a Christ Follower, I struggle, as many do, in understanding why I have to be so different. Why I must do the uncomfortable and follow much of what seems weird to most of the world. The narrow gate and road.

From the outside, it might just seem like I love the Bible, my church, and prayer. And I can see why you’d think that. Because often I write about such things. But certainly this isn’t what it’s all about. Because I know personally people who are great Bible scholars, ‘religiously’ attend church, and pray constantly. But it’s what’s behind all that ‘fluff’ where you see who is really following God.

Wow, that sounds incredibly judgey. So, keep with me here, I’m hoping to bring this around to something good.

The Bible is amazing, and even those who are not actively following Christ can get a lot of great stuff out of it. Real solid good advice and encouragement. Like, don’t sleep with your neighbor’s wife. Stuff like that. And attending church can be really uplifting. Even if you aren’t entirely sold on what is being said. And I don’t know a single person that doesn’t at least use the word ‘pray’ every once in awhile.

These are all GREAT tools and gifts God has given the world.

But it’s the paths we take, the behavior we exhibit, the choices we make, the sacrifices we make that truly mark our willingness to be all in for God. For Jesus.

And these things build character because they are often opposite of what we’ve been used to. What I’VE been used to most of my life. Which makes them uncomfortable, unappealing, and unpopular.

Following the teaching of Jesus means stepping out of your old ways and stepping into new ones. Not just reading the Bible and going to church. And as uncomfortable as they seem, and as weird as they might sound, they are all more life giving than anything that conforms to the ‘norm’.

So, I continue to struggle with my new normal. And I continue to receive life from carefully, and slowly, walking that narrow road. Because what God has for me is more fulfilling than anything this world can give.

Anything.

So what road are YOU on? The wide and open gate of the world? Or the narrow one, the different one, that leads to life?

He has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time,
2 Timothy 1:9

this post  is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

 

Feeling Her Pain

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Day 15: March 25, 2014

I want your heart to heal. I want to be able to fix it.

I don’t always have to right things to say. But I am always an ear.

I feel your tears. They permeate my soul.

I hurt when you hurt. It takes a piece of me.

My deep breaths gather strength for you. Because you are empty.

My voice, my words, my silence work to pierce through the pain.

There is nothing you or I can do to change the past. It is there forever.

But I can be on the other end of the line. I can keep you in my heart. I can catch you when you fall.

Again.

I am your sister. You are a part of me. I want to be your peace.

Lord give me the strength, the words, the heart to help the healing.

Because she needs it so very much.

this post  is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

The Right Path

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Day 14: March 24, 2014

Lord give me rest.

The tasks, the to dos, the emails, the events, the choices, the effort, the waking hours.

I can’t navigate any of it by myself. But, believe me, I’ve tried.

I’ve really tried.

And each time I find only confusion, frustration, and dead ends.

Because I am trying to work by my own power. By my own strength.

Without calling on the One who is there to support and guide me.

My true to do list is created by God.

It’s not a list at all, but instead a path where God shows me the next best step.

One at a time.

The steps may be hard, and definitely challenging.

But they are always clear and right.

Even if I am uncertain the outcome.

Lord give me rest and show me my next best step.

Guide me away from my path and onto yours.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

Death to Life

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Day 13: March 22, 2014

At the beginning of this year, God told me he had an incredible amount of healing in store for me. And he revealed it to me in a dream. It was so clear and clean and bright. In fact, at first, I thought he was telling me I was going to die. Because it was filled with and open field, blue sky, bright white light, and peace.

In fact, he WAS showing me death.

He was revealing that I would have the opportunity this year to finally work towards letting go of the guilt, the condemnation that I so tightly grip on to. The negative reel that plays in my head constantly. The attention I give to the things in my life I can’t let go of.

He showed me that I can let all of that go by letting those lies die.

God calls us to do two things in life: Love Him with all our heart, our soul, and our mind. And to love others as ourselves. If you don’t analyze this too much, it’s pretty simple. But the reality is more difficult that I’d ever imagined. Because I need to first love myself the way God loves me. I have to receive His love first.

And I have been holding on to the notion that I am not good enough for God to love me.

I really have.

And that manifests itself in a lot of ways. Mostly in my ability to accept love from others in my life and to show others how much I care and love for them. And, to be honest, I thought I just wasn’t capable of getting past the junk to be able to let other people in.

But God has continued to pound the message of I LOVE YOU over and over and over again this past year. And I have been listening, but not yet believing. As a Christ Follower, this is a real tough thing to admit. I’m basically saying that I claim to be far in my walk with God, but have yet to accomplish the first and basic step.

Or maybe I just hoped no one, not even God, would notice that detail. But, obviously, you can’t get anything past God. Doesn’t matter how we sugar coat it. He knows.

He KNOWS.

He knows that I struggle with accepting his unconditional love. He knew it all along. And he knew that it would take a lot of personal experience for me to understand this myself. And to move forward towards opening up my heart fully to him.

And as I s-l-o-w-l-y come to terms with all of this. I see him opening my eyes a little more every day as to WHY I hold my heart so close. And some of it is painful and scary. Some of it, a lot of it, is very surprising to me. And some of it is so obvious I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.

But ALL of it is easily overcome with Jesus at my side. ALL OF IT.

Because of this, I am joyful and I am hopeful. I see God working on his promise to me. And I will continue to work with him one step at a time. Not rushed, not in my own way or schedule. But just as He has planned it. And as we work together on this, we will build our friendship and trust.

And I will find that healing I so desperately long for.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

Don’t Mess With Perfect

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Day 12: March 20, 2014

I’m sitting here watching my 14 year old, and only, son work on a documentary for a national history day competition. He is an aspiring filmmaker and a lover of history. I am in awe of his ability to pull the info together and create such an interesting work.

I was the worst at history. Memorizing facts is like shoving toothpicks in my eyes. It’s torture. And I’m awful at it. My memory, in general, is quite selective.

Thankfully, he got the love of history and ability to retain (what I call useless) facts from my husband. And the imagination and strong will from me. From us both, he got the love of art and all things visual.

He’s incredible. And I’m really just now figuring that out and letting it sink in.

We created him. GOD created him.

And honestly, at 9:00 at night, as he CRAMS to get this done for tomorrow (a quality gleaned from both his parents), I kind of want to scream at him and remind him of how he should have been working on this weeks ago. And I just want to go to sleep, but know that I need to check his spelling.

And as I really begin to understand who he is and who God created him to be, I realize that this last minute work represents who he truly is. He’s creative. He’s full of life. He lets the wind take him to his next destination. He lives in the now instead of the past or the future.

He’s brilliant. He has it figured out. And the world and rules and other people’s opinions are not going to change him.

And I am so very thankful and also jealous.

You can’t mold a creative genius. You can’t ever tell him the way it ‘should’ be. But he will listen and absorb what you say to him. And he will process it. And he will make improvements in his own time.

And really, he’s no different than me. But I’ve somehow let the world change some of my free spirit and creative ways. And I hope I can look to my son to show me a glimpse of that peaceful place. That joyful place. The place where we aren’t inhibited by the view of the world and the box it wants to put us in.

That place where we live out who God created us perfectly to be.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!