Life & Such

I’ll take a pass on NYE

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It’s New Year’s Eve. That moment each year where you celebrate the past and make positive plans for the future. And maybe drink a little.

I want so much to be able to celebrate this past year. And I want so much to feel hopeful for the next one. I really really do. But I sit here in such a dark place that I may have to just let this night and the next day pass. Without thankfulness and without hope.

As much as we all try each year to gather our feelings together and start fresh, I’m certain that most of us are faking it. Or at least we are confused by our NYE buzz. Because we all know that that hope and expectation we put on the coming year is mostly going to be forgotten by the second week of January.

And that’s just a normal reality. But my current state is not normal. Or not okay. And that just happens to be where I am right at this minute. With no regard to tradition. And while I’m not okay with it, I have to accept it.

2015 ripped out all my insides and spit them back out. If you don’t know the story, the short version is a major cross-country move due to a job change. Our world as we’ve always known it was pulled out from under us and we couldn’t ever have imagined how incredibly devastating it would be.

I have never known so much grief, pain and darkness in my life. I have never lost so much hope. I have never lost my heart and my soul. But all of these things happened in 2015.

And as I sit here, truly thankful to be spending this night in my home town, I am still just as lost and still just as empty. Because I haven’t yet healed. And I am still mourning the loss of my former life.

When you disconnect from your heart and your soul and you are separated from all that you know and all those you love, it’s a challenge just to get up each morning. It really is. And when all of those who know you to be the strong and courageous one don’t understand your pain or don’t know how to comfort you, this journey of darkness seems endless and ever lonely.

And all you want is for it to stop. In impossible ways, I want for it to go away and to have never been. I want it to be a nightmare that has and end. But I know in my mind that it just can’t ever be what it once was.

And as I wrestle with all that I have experienced in the past year, and I know that more challenge awaits me in 2016 I just want for some of it, any of it, to be bearable. And for the period of hurting to be redeemed and turned to joy.

2015 didn’t break me, but it certainly tried and I honestly fear what 2016 has in store.

I want the tears to stop. I want the physical hurt to be healed. I want my heart and my soul to come back. And I want to be that strong and courageous and encouraging person again. I miss her so much.

So right where I am, right at this moment, I just might need 2016 to show me some grace and release expectation. And I will put my hope in God to carry me, as He already has, into the next days and weeks and months. And perhaps at this time next year I will have a much different and richer story to share.

For those who just might want to put this past year behind them, my heart is with you. You are my people. We are in the same place. And let’s hope that our journey and our story is being written to help others we may encounter in our life. And that our current circumstance is not the end.

For those who are celebrating tonight, I love you. You are my encouragement in dark times. And you deserve all the joy you have received. What you do matters.

For all of us, may we find understanding and meaning no matter where we are and no matter where we are going in the coming year.

 

 

That Time I Un-friended God

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I prayed for the first time this morning in over a month. This coincides directly with the timeframe of leaving our home and driving across the country to a ‘foreign land’. The last afternoon we spent together, my husband, son & I, we held hands and prayed together as a family. In our empty home that we had known for 14 years, we thanked God for the memories, the blessings, and the time there. We asked Him to bless the home for the new owners and to let that place always be special to us. We asked Him to come with us on our journey and to guide and protect us.

That was my last prayer. 

I didn’t bring God with me on our trip. I didn’t allow him to guide me or comfort me along the way. When I got here, to Texas, I became wrapped up in the unknown and the scary. And then I turned on my ‘robot mode’ and starting working.

In my own strength.

I placed furniture, unpacked boxes, stocked the pantry. I made beds and washed clothes. I changed addresses and paid bills. I shopped, I decorated, I vacuumed the floor. And I did well at managing my to-do list.

Without direction from God.

A couple of weeks in to our adventure, when there were no longer boxes to unpack and busy work to complete, I started to let the fear and sadness take over. I craved the comfort of my home and my family. I wanted something familiar. Anything. I cried big big tears and shook physically while my husband and son tried to comfort me.

But I didn’t ask God to comfort me.

On a particularly bad day, I let rage take over. I took it out on my husband with cruel words. My sadness and my grief fueled the fire of every sentence. And then I said to him, “I don’t even believe in God. I feel like a fool for ever thinking he was real and he was here for me. What kind of God would claim to love me and lead me here into this Hell?”

I really did say that.

The look on my husband’s face was one I’d never seen before. He was both dumbfounded and crushed. The man I have been praying for relentlessly to follow God’s lead in his life. To put God first and foremost. To be the spiritual leader of our family. I took his breath away. And, the truth is, all of that prayer worked. My husband turned to the Lord in a time of devastation in his life and grew in his faith in incredible ways. He began to lead our family and let God guide his way.

And I refused to be a part of it anymore.

Since that moment I have felt a change in me that was both foreign and familiar. I took control of my life back in all the ways. I dictated my days and nights. I filled my time with whatever I wanted. I didn’t feel an internal pressure to spend time with God or prayer for others. I didn’t feel responsible to be a leader or an encourager.

I could just take care of me.

Shortly after, our son left for a two-week trip. At 15, he is more than capable, but still my baby. He’s our only son. And I worry when he’s not with me. He left to go back home to see his friends and then travel to Central America on a mission trip.  And he didn’t have a worry in the world about any of it.

And I didn’t pray over him or for him before he left.

It was likely, at that time, that I started feeling a new kind of uneasy. That something wasn’t right at all with the way things were going. That my worry alone was not going to keep him safe.  But I stubbornly moved on in my own way.

And I was torn between what I wanted and what I had once known.

My son returns tomorrow from his trip. And the spirit that has come alive in him, after a very devastating move from all he’s every known, is unbelievable. His love for the people of Honduras and their love for him is something simply amazing. And as I’ve spoken and messaged with him, I see that nothing of this world could light that kind of fire and create that kind of love.

It can only be God.

A few days ago I was strongly prompted to turn on worship music. And I took a walk in the sweltering Texas heat and just let the words sink in. And the next day I was led to listen to the most recent sermon from our church back home. And I just let the words sink in. And as it goes in days following, I let the words of others begin to penetrate the darkness in my heart.

I let God back in.

This morning I listed to a sermon from Lysa Terkeurst as prompted by an app I downloaded. One that pops up no matter what at 8:30 am every morning. And as she taught on scripture she said, “We are supposed to be with Him (Jesus), then sent out by him.”  Every day we must first be in His word without an agenda and just for our own personal message from Him.

“In alignment with His assignment”

God made us for service in His time and in His way. And as I prayed this morning, for the first time since our move, I thanked him for giving me this time of silence. I thanked him for still taking care of me even when I turned my back. And I asked him to show me how I was to serve him.

I asked God to lead me again.

Perhaps my time ‘away’ from God led me to understand how incredibly empty life is without him in it. Perhaps by stripping me from all I’ve ever known (in this physical world) is the only way I can truly serve this world in the way He wants me to.

And He has great plans for me.

And right now my heart is still dark and still needs healing. And my soul is still sad and mourning the loss of my life back home. But this first step today will catapult me, I believe, into the next chapter of my life.

Holding Pattern

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I should be packing. Or sorting. Or cleaning out. Or researching schools. Or helping my husband load the car with junk for the dump.

We’re moving. To Texas.

It’s been 14 years since we set roots in this small town. 14 years of our baby growing to a teen. 14 years of job and school changes. 14 years of new friends and breakups. 14 years discovering Jesus and being saved. 14 years of memories and life.

And it’s not just that we’re moving from this house or this town, but from this state and this hemisphere.  Moving from Washington State to Texas is a long haul and a radical culture shift.  Of course we don’t know which of the 400 towns in the Dallas area we might call home. Of course we haven’t a clue where our son will finish his last three years of high school. Of course we don’t know where our new church home will be. Of course we don’t know a thing.

But God knows.

God has known this for, well, EVER. Of course he doesn’t share the full detailed and bullet-pointed PowerPoint presentation with me. And that puts me in a tailspin most of the time. Sure He’s given me glimpses here and there. And He’s been REAL DIRECT with me on the fact that this IS His plan for us. But this change, this unearthing of roots that run so incredibly deep has me wondering if I am capable of following through with this one. Can He possibly be that powerful that this plan requires nothing from me but faith?

Cause I really have nothing but faith right now. (and also doubt).

The vulnerability involved in this is beyond human comprehension. And God knows this. I am increasingly aware that He is not going to allow me to control any part of this situation. But instead reveal His plan bit by bit and ask me to accept it. Of course, multiple times along the way I have thought seriously about just saying NO. But that pull inside of my heart moves me back to YES.

It’s in those moments where I feel I’m letting go of just a little more of that control I hold so tightly to.

This plan for our family has been a lifetime in the planning (for God). For us it’s been a six month journey of wondering and waiting (and praying sometimes) for this job offer. Our hearts have been preparing for this long before we every knew a huge change was on the horizon. Because when we look back we can see every experience and circumstance that has brought us right to this very moment.

And this is the kind of journey you can only experience when you are connected to God.

And while we’ve been in this holding pattern for six months, God’s continued to reveal to me the areas he wants me to work on and the places he’s already been there done that. And he reminds me that I’m not any different from anyone else (like the Israelites) in regards to worry, doubt, complaining, and lack of faith. But he’s given us the opportunity to call out to Him and to listen to his voice and his truth.

I have great plans for you.

And while I don’t have the patience to wait for these great plans, I know I have to. I have to wait. Because God is the only one who knows the perfect timing for this. And God has put dreams on my heart that he promises to fulfill. And I know that he never ever breaks a promise. And it scares me to know how BIG the plans he has for me are and that he trust me to carry them out.

And that fills my heart to know that I am that important and that loved.

And it doesn’t matter where we physically live, but that we bring God with us wherever we go. And even though it may sound silly or redundant, I’ve specifically asked him to go along with me to Texas so I don’t feel so alone in this new place. And I know He will.

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*The adorable pillow was made by our cousin Kendra. Find this and others here:
https://www.etsy.com/shop/SoVintageChic

My Real Christmas Letter

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xmas card blogFor the first time ever, (I think), I included a note in our Christmas card. I don’t really want to call it a letter, because it was only a quarter sheet of paper and was a quick read. I felt the need to include it somehow because I wanted to let people know that life isn’t really unicorns and rainbows as I might portray on social media sometimes.

As real as the letter reads, it’s not the whole truth, but just enough to, hopefully, give a glimpse of the real life happening behind the curtain.

This year life has been really challenging for us. And God told me it was going to be way back in January. And I only half believed him.

I heard the part about how my husband was going to experience some really cool and huge life change this year. But I didn’t expect it to be him losing his job of almost 20 years.

I heard him tell me that he had been preparing me for good and solid challenge. I didn’t hear that it would come by way of my 14-year-old son.

I heard him say he was going to show me pure joy. I didn’t hear that it might only be found by dragging me through some of my past junk so that I would work to let it go.

This year has not been what I expected at all. AT ALL. And when coming off probably the most incredible and spiritually fulfilling years ever (2013), I can honestly say I’m disappointed. God took me through some scary but super amazing stuff last year. And now I feel I’ve been thrown into a pit. Left to die.

I know in my heart it’s not possible for God to give me this year of challenge, of wait, and of change without purpose. I know in my heart that every step, good and bad, he’s taken me through is all to prepare me for what’s next. And I know in my heart God always comes through with something so much more amazing and life-giving that any of my plans.

But I’m tired. And I’m sad.

I want to know His plan for me. I want to get to the good stuff RIGHT NOW. I can’t possibly wait any longer to find out what he has for me.

But I know in my heart I have to. I need to.

I know through all of this God is showing me that I’m still not letting go. That I’m telling him I believe in his plan, but I’m still trying to orchestrate it on my own terms. He knows this. He knows me better than I know myself. And he’s just sitting there waiting for me to finally give up control.

So, as I wrote our Christmas note this year, I presented the idea that maybe our life wasn’t that awesome. And it’s not. But without this time to reflect and learn, we would never grow in our journey. We would stay the same and continue to present a false happiness.

And I’m thankful, SO THANKFUL, that God doesn’t ever give up on me. And that He knows always what’s best for me. And I can’t wait to see how this growth propels me into the next season of our life.

I don’t know what will happen next. But I know that God will redeem our struggles this year and we will all come out the other end full of gratitude and, dare I say, JOY.

May the God of hope fill you will all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.                                                                Romans 15:13

What challenges are you facing? Have you really and truly given them to God? What is he telling you?

ps….First blog post since April. APRIL. I can’t ever go this long without doing what I absolutely love…writing! Thanks for reading!

 

The Future Starts Now

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Day 20: April 6, 2014

My current ‘economic circumstance’ {tight budget} causes me grief on a daily basis. Frequently I want to throw a three year old style fit and scream my head off until someone shuts me up promising to take me to Hawaii. But, I tell my three year old emotions to hold on because the rest of me is over forty and capable of going without for just a little longer.

But this is growing increasingly more difficult.

Often, I turn to regret for a dysfunctional comfort. I blame my past idiotic self for my current lack of funds to buy a new outfit. I’m certain if I knew better at a young age, I would be basking in the light of wealth, instead of shadowed by my current financial reality.

Forecast: increasing clouds with no chance of sun.

In the event I really could go back in time to change my financial destiny, here’s what I might tell my 20-something year old self:

Dear Self,

Save your money. And by save, I mean like 50 percent or more of it. You don’t need to live by the beach and buy all of your meals from a restaurant. That new car is awesome, but you can’t afford it. Take the bus until you’ve saved up enough to pay cash for your car. And only after you’ve saved a crap load of cash for your future. That second job you are working to afford your lifestyle should be your savings account, not even more spending money. As a point of encouragement, kudos for planning an excellent but inexpensive wedding and for your willingness to maintain two jobs.

Give at least 10% of your money to charity. You haven’t found Jesus yet, so I’m not going to insist you give it to a church. {However, as a side note, I really wish you would find Jesus because you are about to make some really dumb choices that he probably would sway you away from.} Sharing your wealth is freeing and a great tax break. More so freeing, but you’ll understand that when you read the Bible someday.

Sacrifice during your younger years so you can live a less restricted life after 40. You aren’t going to have the two job energy like you do now, but you will have to work because you unexpectedly decide to send your son to private school with no savings to pay for it. And you really need a vacation when you are older because you get tired more easily. But when every last penny is accounted for, you won’t have the luxury of travel.

Under no circumstance whatsoever should you go into debt. Not for a car, a vacation, new clothes, or, dare I say, a home. You were lucky to leave college with only a tiny bit of debt, and you should start saving now for your kid’s college because it will cost about a billion times more than yours did. If you buy a home, save up more than 20% to put down and pay extra each year so you can pay it off. If you can’t afford a 15 year fixed loan, you can’t afford that house. Deal with it.

I want you to live a life that doesn’t feel suffocated by finances. And I want you to be free to give more than you ever dreamed so you can make a difference in the world. And I want you to give your family opportunities to learn and experience life. I want you to worry less in the future. Trust me, I know what I’m talking about.

So I know I can’t go back in time and tell myself these things, but I certainly hope someone hears it. And I don’t want you to think for a minute that I am not thankful for what I have. We have been blessed beyond measure. It’s just taken us a really long time to figure out how to appropriately manage our money in a God-honoring way. And when you are in your 40’s and finally sacrificing for your future, it is a lot harder and will take a lot more time to get to where you need to be than if you’d started 20 years earlier.

Where would you like to be in the near and distant future? Are you sacrificing for it?

this post  is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

 

The Art of Encouragement

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Day 19: April 4, 2014

{I broke my stride on my way to 40 blogs for Lent. Here is #19, 7 days late}

I find myself, once again, being humbled by circumstance. This time I see a mirror reflection of myself in my son.

Is it just me, or does it sometimes feel like our children grabbed hold of our worst qualities and make them their own? Why does my son have to be excellent at arguing? And fibbing (lying). Why can he morph himself to almost any situation? Why can he make that horrifically mean face so well? Why does his attitude change like the wind? And why can I not, for the life if me, figure out how to relate to my mirror image self?

I’ve come to the conclusion that, if presented with the opportunity, I would be my own worst enemy.

This helps me understand, perhaps, why I am not doing the best job motivating my son to make doing well in school a priority. I am an annoyance. My ways of encouragement are irritating at best. My controlling approach is a buzz kill.  My presence is loathsome.

Fact:
I hate, more than anything, for someone to tell me that their way is better than mine.

Fact:
I don’t like anyone, ever, pointing out obvious things to me, (like I should be exercising if I want to get in shape.)

Fact:
I am, at all times, fully aware of my shortcomings and lack of effort and do not care for others telling me I am not working hard enough.

Fact:
I get bored easily and do not like working much at improving my skills at anything. If I don’t know how to do it, I probably won’t make the effort to learn.

Fact:
I’m pretty sure my son shares all of the same traits above and I’m pretty sure I have done all of the above to him.

So, let’s turn the tables while I work to encourage myself to blog. I love writing. Probably more than anything. But it takes time, effort, and hard work. It takes practice, it takes focus. And I truly want to write for a living someday. But I am afraid. I am afraid of the hard work and the focus and that I’m just not good enough. And when people encourage me to write, I sometimes shut down. And I make up excuses that I don’t have time or anything to share. Total lies. (fibs).

I proved to myself, by writing 18 blog posts in (about) 20 or so days, that I could do this. It was hard. I stayed up late because that’s when I had free time. I pushed myself to work up to my potential. And then I fell. And crumpled into a ball. I let life get in the way and I realized I was not going to reach my goal. So I kept putting it off. And the days kept stacking up. And I was aware, the whole time, that I had failed.

Overwhelmed and uninspired, I have re-encouraged myself to move forward. I made up the 40 day challenge, and I will keep going until I finish, no matter how long that takes.

Seeing the same patterns in my son gives me both worry and hope. I worry he will never live up to the potential we all see simply because he doesn’t want to do the work to get there. I worry the piles of work will look too daunting and he will never believe he can jump back in.

But I have hope that he WILL learn to encourage himself the way he needs it, and that I will learn the same.

In the meantime, I’ve offered him one dollar for every assignment he finishes.

It’s a start. And, so far, it’s working.

this post  is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

 

What Not To Wear

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Day 18: March 28, 2014

Tonight I saw a 7′ tall bearded man walk into Red Robin wearing overalls. And I was totally okay with it. It was totally his look. He rocked it.

What I’m not okay with is the impending overall trend that is hitting the shelves of both Target and Nordstrom. Overalls on sale for nearly $300. THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS PEOPLE!

The last time I knew someone who was not a farmer or worked otherwise where this attire proves helpful, was a friend in the late 90’s/early 2000’s who was pregnant. I was one of the pregnant ones who thought the loose fitting full length denim look was flattering in month 8.

The last time I looked good in overalls might have been my A Smile Gelatis from the 6th grade. Lavender cotton awesomeness with an ice cream cone emblem to boot.

That was 1981.

Here I am in 1990 wearing bleached shortfalls. My now husband is rocking excellent 90's fashion. And my best friend's high waist shorts are up to her neck.

Here I am in 1990 wearing bleached shortalls. My now husband is rocking excellent 90’s fashion. And my best friend’s high waist shorts are up to her neck.

I know in the 90’s the overall trend was big with guys (boy bands) and ladies, even those not pregnant, but we can all agree the 90’s in general was TRAGIC for fashion. Tragic. {see photo}

Is it possible for us to squash this before it goes viral? Can we save people from themselves and fizzle out the trend before it even happens? Who’s behind this anyway? Is it some form of social experiment?

Weird things are happening in the world. Really weird things. Unexplainable things. Please don’t let this be one of them.

#justsaynotooveralls

this post  is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

Feeling Her Pain

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Day 15: March 25, 2014

I want your heart to heal. I want to be able to fix it.

I don’t always have to right things to say. But I am always an ear.

I feel your tears. They permeate my soul.

I hurt when you hurt. It takes a piece of me.

My deep breaths gather strength for you. Because you are empty.

My voice, my words, my silence work to pierce through the pain.

There is nothing you or I can do to change the past. It is there forever.

But I can be on the other end of the line. I can keep you in my heart. I can catch you when you fall.

Again.

I am your sister. You are a part of me. I want to be your peace.

Lord give me the strength, the words, the heart to help the healing.

Because she needs it so very much.

this post  is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

What Did I Miss?

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Day 12: March 19, 2014

Nothing amazing or inspiring happened today. Just a real life go to work, have dinner, and run errands kind of Wednesday.

Full disclosure: My husband and I maneuvered around the grocery store in avoidance of people we didn’t have the energy to talk to. This meant we sacrificed the ice cream we so desperately wanted. Only to have the same people pull up behind us in line.

We managed zero eye contact and noted later that they did not say hi either. I’m not sure who won that game, but somehow I felt bad about the whole thing.

What if we were meant to see each other and the repeated attempts to head down the aisle for ice cream and the appearance of the family behind us in line were instead opportunities for us to chat? Because I’ve definitely had those encounters, and usually when I gave in to the prompting to say hello they are meaningful.

Sometimes we are presented with great things that we are simply too self absorbed to take part in. And we miss out on something that was part of our path. Part of God’s plan. Thankfully he never stops working on us and never gives up giving us grace for our human behavior.

I’d like to think I’ll be more aware next time he puts someone in my path. And instead of playing it my way, I will trust that his intention is far more rewarding than my few minutes of not talking to anyone.

God help me be present and aware of what you have for me. And give me grace the next time I completely blow it. Cause you know I will.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

The Facebook Chronicles

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Day 11: March 18, 2014

It’s kind of weird to think the last 8 years of my life have been somewhat documented on social media. And even though I don’t want to be all ‘big brother’ creepers out by it, I kind of am.

But, creepers or not, I’m kind of glad because it’s likely I wouldn’t have remembered some of the best (and worst) parts of my late30early40ish life.

Every once on awhile I find myself looking back at photos and posts. I guess I’m sort of Facebook stalking myself. And when I do this, I remember some really cool things that happened and think that my best times must be behind me because I can’t remember the last time my life was so great.

Like when I had way more fun with girlfriends. And I when I worked hard to be in the best shape of my life. And when I looked so smiley and happy. And tan.

And most of the posts and pictures represent the good times. And it’s easy to think life was great for me. And even though I was there, even I am fooled into believing what I see.

Behind all of that awesome certainly lived a lot of yuck.

But that kind of stuff doesn’t read well when people are usually looking at social media hoping to find something better than what they might be dealing with at the time.

Let’s think for a moment about how a lot of us are posting cool/fun/happy stuff to (hopefully) make others think our life is awesome. And when we look at our friends’ cool/fun/happy posts it makes US think their life is awesome and reminds us, perhaps, that ours is not.

But we are all likely in the same miserable place.

And not connecting with each other about, and finding healing for, our real life ugly junk.

Cause we certainly wouldn’t want the world to know we don’t have our stuff together.

I’m thankful to have people in my life who I can share my ugly junk with. And I’m certainly not the most poker faced smiley person you’ll ever meet. And I hope that my honesty about dealing with yuck behind what you might see on social media helps you understand that we are all just trying to get through each day.

And I really do hope that we truly experience a piece of real joy every single day. Even in our mess.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!