Devotionals

The Path of Hope

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Day 21, April 11, 2014

This is the day the Lord has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it.
Psalm 118:24

Last night, when I wasn’t sleeping due to a chocolate ice cream indulgence, I heard God say very clearly to me, “Enough of your worry! It’s time to find joy in every day. Choose joy.” God’s voice often sounds like my  voice, but I can usually tell when it’s him and not me. Mostly because my preference is to dwell on the yuck and never believe joy is available to me.

Why do we choose darkness over light? Why do we let our worries consume us? Why do we live waiting for the next problem to come along? For me, it’s because somewhere along the way I decided I’m not worthy of good things hanging around for long.

My thoughts never really ‘verbalize’ this feeling clearly, but certainly continue to emphasize that trouble is probably right around the corner if anything is looking good at the moment. I grew up feeling fearful most of the time. I lacked security. No horrible experience created that feeling, but my environment was unstable enough that I never felt comfortable.

I created a life of concern and a future of hopelessness. In my mind.

I didn’t grow up knowing Jesus, but I’m pretty sure I believed in God. It just made sense that he was out there somewhere making things happen all around me. I believed he was the one who protected me from harm, but not so much the one that made me feel whole. Because I never did.

And bad things did happen to and around me. Things I worried about came true. And I held on to the notion that my worry was some sort of future predictor. My experience proved it. So I never experienced hope much because I knew there was always a way for it to get crushed. Too much hope would always end in disappointment.

God did not create us to be driven by false hope.

God created us to put our hope and future in His hands. To let the Holy Spirit guide our every step and let Jesus feed our comfort and crush our worry. He has things figured out already and asks us to trust him in that. And as I continue to learn and grow closer in my relationship with him, I am living a life of letting go of the worry when it shows up, trusting that God has this handled, and asking him for the tools to get through it.

God HAS always been there as my protector. He was there calling to me most if my life, but it took a bit for me to answer. And when I did, the transformation towards peace began.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
Psalm 40:2

He calls me to trust him and to live a life filled with joy and real hope. He wants that for me and he wants that for you. Will you choose to follow the path of hope today? I will.

this post  is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

Breathing in Truth

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Day 9: March 16, 2014

I feel like I’m suffocating. I find myself taking deep breaths several times during the day. Every day.

I feel the weight of every day tasks and life pushing me down and making it harder and harder to stay afloat. I sense the darkness closing in and I feel a chill in my bones. I’m drowning in the place that is my life right now, and I don’t see a way out, so I continue to tread water, hoping that my efforts will find me the shore.

I no longer fake a smile when friends ask how I’m doing. Because I don’t have the energy to pretend. I have to focus on the right now and on my breathing. Because sometimes I worry I will forget how. To breathe.

And being in this place is not scary, but more hopeless. It’s the darkness with no understanding of light. It’s the knowledge that change is on the horizon. And the knowing that the action to take might be incredibly painful.

And freeing.

I’m in the calm that is the storm. In the rumble of the wind. Being carried along on a flight to a new place and space that I’ve never known. One that is free from people pleasing and thrill seeking. A place where my heart is no longer my own and the truth is no longer from the world.

And God is taking me there.

God is light, and there is no darkness in him at all. So we are lying if we say we have fellowship with God but go on living is spiritual darkness; we are not practicing the truth.
1 John 1:5-6

And he is showing me truth that I could never have guessed. Although I knew he had healing for me, I didn’t know the least of how he would get me there. And I’m still amazed and befuddled by it. And, full disclosure, I question it. Because right now it’s hard to know what is truth.

But I see that these truths are not new to me. That he’s been showing me them the whole way. To prepare me for this season of life. To be accepting and willing to believe them. Because I wouldn’t have before.

You were running the race so well. Who has held you back from following the truth?  It certainly isn’t God, for he is the one who called you into freedom.
Galatians 5:7-8

He holds me above water and makes me work through the struggles so that I can let go and be free from the pain and lies that have been holding me back. And he will guide me to shore, where I can feel the warm sand between my toes and breathe in the warm air.

And smile.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
Galatians 5:1

What is your truth? What lies have you been listening too? Ask God to reveal them to you. I bet you will be surprised and even set free.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

Pausing to Heal

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Day 8: March 14, 2014 (1 day late)

Be still, and know that I am God.
Psalm 47:10

This is not only one of my life verses, it’s a message I’ve been receiving a lot lately. A LOT. And while I’m in a season of boring, as I call it, I keep wanting for more. More fun, more joy, more anything. Day in and day out right now I’m plugging along tackling one task, problem, issue at a time. And through it all (mostly) I am just existing. Or so it seems.

My existence each day is intentional. Its God’s plan for me to be in a season of still. Because without a time of pause in our lives now and then, we would never have the incredibly painful and rewarding opportunity to transform into who God wants us to be.

And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.
2 Corinthians 4:18

What God has gifted me is the time and space to explore the depths of who I was and who I am no longer. He has shown me where my hurts and regrets are holding me back from letting go and moving forward. He reminds me daily that I am loved. So loved. And he knows at the core of my soul I don’t believe that.

…and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may he filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Ephesians 4:19

He gave me incredible opportunities in the past year that stirred my heart in a way that began my revival. And now, in my time of pause, he is holding me close to work on healing. And while I am open to him showing me the pain I hold so close, I have not yet let him fully in to take it once and for all from me.

And mostly, I think I am afraid. I am afraid of the pain I might relive emotionally in order to move past it. And even though I know it will be so freeing, I am scared to let it go.

What pain are you holding on to? What does God want to release you from? Pray and ask him about it today.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!

Unexpected

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Day 5: March 10, 2014

When I plan out my day, and I often do, I’m presenting myself with a predictable outcome. And that feels safe and normal. And when I wake up without a plan, I let uneasiness sink in because I feel unprepared. Which is likely a recipe for a day of second guessing myself for not making plans.

But the truth is, life is ALWAYS unexpected. We have no possible way of predicting the outcome no matter how many plans we make. Certainly I known if I eat too much sugar I will get a stomach-ache. But I might not know how bad. But on a broader level, life is filled with events that we never plan for.

I didn’t know I would have only one child. I didn’t know my dad would die when I was 20. I didn’t know my brother-in-law would someday need a heart transplant. I didn’t know I would wrong people. And I certainly didn’t know I would be saved from the unexpected by Jesus.

God’s presence in my life allows for trust and peace to trump worry and fear. His love gives me the comfort I need when I’m blown away by tragedy. His grace allows me to make mistakes and still be whole. And his strength is mine when I am crumpled by loss.

And because of this I can comfort others, even if they don’t know Jesus. And I can call on his love and strength through the Holy Spirit to bring peace to those who don’t understand why. Why life is unexpected and why bad things happen. Why can’t we worry and plan everything so we are never caught off guard?

And the answer is, because He wants us to rely on him for strength. And he wants us to ask him to guide us and follow HIS plans, and know and trust that we never need to worry. God knows what’s coming next. And he knows that if we look to him daily he will guide us and he will comfort us. And nothing surprises him and nothing is too big for him to handle.

My life has been everything but predictable, and I find a certain comfort knowing that God planned it out so I don’t have to.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

What are you holding on to? Why not let God take control for a while. Let life be unexpected.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links below to read other posts! Thanks for reading!

Choices

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Day 2: March 6, 2014

Life, to me, is a series of decisions. Moment by moment, day by day, and year by year. I feel most of the time that I suck at making decisions. Often its because I’m driven by emotion and whatever is happening right now. And, unfortunately, I continually forget to bring God in and ask his opinion on the matter. I think I worry that he will tell me something I don’t want to hear. Like, “get the salad instead of the hamburger.” But, in all seriousness, he ALWAYS has a better plan than me.

I’m not sure if I will ever fully break the habit of relying solely on myself when making tough decisions. But I’d like to at least try harder at consulting the One who created me more often than not.

I’ve had an emotional day for a variety of reasons, and I’ve had to make some tough choices. But today I looked to God for help, and he brought me through it just like he always does. And even when I wasn’t sure I’d heard him correctly, he showed me this:
We know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. Romans 8:28

And, in my hard day, this comforts me. Because even if I don’t understand it all right now, he does. And that’s all I need.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links below to read other posts! Thanks for reading!

40 Days of Blogging

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March 5, 2014

Today, on the first day of Lent, I’ve decided to give up a few things. I’m giving up making myself too busy to blog. I’m giving up the notion that I don’t have much to say. I’m giving up the fear of saying the wrong thing. Instead, I’m giving myself a free pass to write every day from now until Easter, no matter what. It might be a short post, it might be a chapter, or even an attempt at poetry. Whatever I feel called to write, it’s going to happen. No matter what.

Also, during this time, I’m following a 40 day devotional called “ReThink Life” on my bible app as a means to participate in the spiritual discipline of bible study. This may sound like a lot, but if I know anything, I know that spending time with God is ALWAYS life giving, and never a waste of my day.

I hope you join me during this journey. And maybe think of this time as a way to grow, rather than a time of going without.

See you here tomorrow!

The Man in the Blue Shirt

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Noah, age 13

Noah, age 13

I can’t even begin to explain the power I felt when we entered the church that Sunday. Those who were with me know what we felt. The power of the Holy Spirit was so incredible, it’s like something I’m not sure I’ll ever feel again. But I so want to feel it again.

On our fourth day in Tegucigalpa, Honduras, we had the honor of joining our new friends at their church service. We arrived by bus to a line of welcoming people. They were dressed in their absolute best clothes. We were underdressed in our nicest outfits we brought from home. They shook our hands, hugged us, and welcomed the foreign travellers to their sacred place.

It wasn’t the first time we’d been there. In fact, it was our third day in this place. Previous days we had been entertaining and teaching the children at vacation bible schools, learning masonry as we built walls for a new classroom, and speaking and fellowshipping with the women at a special lunch. The days prior this crude space was transformed by whatever activity we were hosting. But today, they transformed it into a Holy place. One filled will love, hope, and incredible Spirit.

When we entered the service the congregation was singing. The words, in Spanish, were completely foreign to us (no pun intended), but we were captured by them instantly. The worship music was powerful, and coming from just a couple of musicians on stage. The crowd was not just singing, but truly WORSHIPPING the Lord. Hands raised, voices loud, and hearts open. It was impossible not to catch the spirit in the room and become transformed by it.

The service following including dancing from some of the young girls, a very entertaining sermon by our own Pastor (through a translator), and our own VBS dance team performing. I didn’t once feel the heat and humidity, notice that I was standing in dirt, or sitting on a plastic chair. I never took my eyes off the stage, and I never felt my heart more full.

At the end of the service, our Pastor asked all 31 of us to come to the front. He announced to the congregation that we were here to pray for them. And that anyone wanting prayer was welcome to come up to one of us. We had prepared for this moment by learning a little bit about being comfortable praying for people. But certainly we hadn’t learned Spanish. But it didn’t matter. Immediately, a young woman came up to me. I said, “como se llama” (what is your name?) and from there I just prayed. She didn’t need to tell me what she needed prayer for, because God already knew. She just needed someone to lay hands on her and call out to God for her. One after the other women came to me. Some smiling, some in tears, and some in pain. And the whole time I was incredibly humbled to have God use me in this way.

After the service, we said our goodbyes and spent the rest of the afternoon at a tourist shopping destination. It was a great day of rest after several hard days of work, and a wonderful time to spend with our team. During our conversations, everyone spoke about the power of the service we attended. We all felt it.

It wasn’t until the next day that I heard someone on our bus say, “Did you see the picture of Noah and the man with the blue shirt?” I stopped and said, “Did you just say, ‘The man with the blue shirt’?” And then I remembered. During an exercise in prayer before we left for our trip, we wrote down images and words that we felt God was sharing with us. Things he was revealing to us about our trip. And on my list was: “Blue shirt man”.

The photo, included in this blog, is of my 13-year-old son, Noah, praying over this ‘blue shirt man’. He was standing right next to me during the entire prayer time but I was so focused on my prayer I never noticed. This photo became the favorite of the whole group. And it shows how much the Holy Spirit filled all of us that day. Even my 13-year-old son.

If you haven’t already, please read my first Honduras blog, “Broken Heart” to see my list in its entirety. My hope is to blog about each item on that list, because each one had significance during this life changing trip. Proving that God did, in fact, reveal to me what I would experience. I hope you’ll join me as I continue to share my journey.

The multipurpose church building

The multipurpose church building

Broken Heart

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Gloria & I

Gloria & I

I have just returned from my first mission trip. We travelled to Tegucigalpa, Honduras to serve women and children there. My 13-year-old son was with me, along with 29 other amazing people from my church. While I am still processing all that God showed me on this trip, I know whole heartedly now why he called me to Honduras.

I was so afraid to go on this mission. My fear was crippling at times. Mostly it was the feeling of lack of control. Some of it was feeling I couldn’t meet the challenge of serving these people. And, finally, I was afraid of how God was going to change me through this.

A lot of preparation went in to this trip. Lots of meetings with our team, learning dances, extensive packing lists, medications, fund-raising, collecting supplies, and obtaining passports. All of these details helped with the overall organization of our trip and these were the things that caused me the most stress. But what really prepared us were the endless prayers over our team, the daily devotional readings, the bond we were creating with each other, and the plan that God had for each one of us.

My constant prayer to God was to keep me and the team safe from harm. I knew that we needed protection from attacks and from sickness. And I prayed every day that he would walk with us the entire time with a shroud of protection over us. And that he would be our hands and our feet. And he answered that prayer.

“I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.” Genesis 28:15

From the moment I stepped off the plane in Tegucigalpa, I felt God grab my hand and walk with me. My fears were left behind on the airplane, and the Holy Spirit took over my entire soul. I was His hands and feet, his voice, his heart. There is no other explanation for the peace I had the entire trip. God’s peace and presence is a power unlike any other.

“I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” Ephesians 3:16-19

That scripture was given to me from one of the women I serve with at my church before I left. When I received it, I didn’t understand fully why it was just for me and why God had put it on her heart to give it to me. But that’s how God works. He presents us with many messages, and when we listen and reflect on what he has done for us, we start to see his greater plan in our life.

God walked with me and removed my need for control on this trip. Everything we needed was provided for us. A clean place to sleep, nourishing food, safety, and strength. (The details) God also gave me everything I needed to serve the women and children. (His hands and feet)

What I wasn’t ever able to anticipate was what God had for me on this trip; How he wanted to change me. And that scared me most of all. Because change is scary when you aren’t the one handling it. But I now know that when you let God be the one to change you, the result is the most rewarding and powerful feeling you could NEVER imagine without experiencing it.

At one of our meetings, we spent time talking about prayer. Specifically how to pray over other people we feel led to pray for. We knew that the Honduran people we would serve may ask for prayer, or we may ask to prayer for them. And we didn’t know their language, so we had to rely completely on the Holy Spirit to guide our words. During this meeting, we were also asked to spend time asking God to reveal to us some glimpses of what we would experience on our trip. During that quiet time, we wrote down words that came to us. Here is my list:

Broken heart
Woman with beads
Child in a green shirt, orange pants
Hotel worker – female
Spanish
Flowers
Blue shirt man
grass
Carlos’ mom
heart necklace
John 1:15
arch/bridge

As I reflect on our trip, I can honestly say each and every one of the things on the list represents an experience I had there. When I wrote this list, I had no idea God was revealing to me EXACTLY what he had for me on this trip. And what I was most afraid of: Change.

You see, God did change me. And he did it through healing my broken heart. I had love showered on me from these people that I’ve never felt before in my life. There was one woman in particular who showed me to way to healing. Her name is Gloria. Through her love and her prayers for me, I was healed. And I have been praying forever to heal my broken heart so that I could receive love from others. I have been shielding my heart for a lot of my life and it had left me incredibly lonely. And by protecting my heart I had been missing out on the love God wanted for me from others and from the love He has for me. I knew I hadn’t given my whole heart to God, but I didn’t want to admit it. And I believe somehow I knew that’s what God wanted from me on this trip. And that’s why I was so afraid. Because I wanted to keep my heart to myself. I wasn’t ready to let it go. But God opened my heart fully to Him and I felt his full and complete love for the first time.

I will write more about my experience there and how these people didn’t need our love, hope, or faith. But instead, they showed us what it truly means to love God and love others. God bless the people of Honduras for their faith. We have a lot to learn here at home. And I pray I can continue to be God’s hands and feet to show others the way.

“How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!” 1 John 3:1

God showed me that I am worthy of his love. I am worthy to be called one of his children. And I am worthy to do his work in this broken world. And that is what I intend to do.

I Choose Joy

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no-fearToday, I choose Joy. It’s been a really long time since I’ve been able to say that. Because, honestly, I didn’t think I had a choice. I felt that my non-joy, we will call it, was just par for the course. That it was out of my control and, perhaps, never going to leave.

Thematically over the past few weeks, I’ve been praying, reading, writing, and speaking a lot about fear. Maybe all that activity fed the fact that I was overcome by it 24/7. I really got to a point where fear was all I thought about. I got to that point where I felt like I was going crazy. As I ugly cried to my husband the other night over the phone, I said things like, “I just don’t know what’s real anymore. I don’t know what direction to take because I don’t even see a direction. I feel like I’m losing my mind. It’s too hard to fight this fight. I think Satan wants me more than God right now and I think he’s winning.”

Do you ever reach that point of uncontrollable tears and complete exhaustion spewing from your mouth? Do your words and thoughts turn to absolute desperation? Do you feel like your insides are ready to jump out just to escape the madness of your thoughts? I do. And I did. I felt that way. I reached that point of crazy. I met my demons head on and expected not to leave alive. I expected to come out of that moment with a new direction. With my own direction. One that turned away from God. Because I just couldn’t do it anymore.

After I cried to my poor (at the moment helpless) husband, I sat by myself for a while. Then I turned on Hawaiian music and poured a glass of wine. I knew I needed a little external help to calm my nerves. Then I opened up my journal and just started writing. I wrote out all of my current fears. And then I wrote the same words over and over and over again; TIRED, SAD, ANXIOUS, AFRAID, TIRED, TIRED, TIRED. Then I wrote the word, ‘CONTROL’ with a circle-slash around it. I saw, in that moment, that I felt so out of CONTROL that it left me in a state of complete fear and exhaustion.

And then I wrote this: “I have no control over what will happen, so I choose fear.”

I CHOSE fear. Because I wanted to control my situation so much and I couldn’t, I decided to just be afraid. And as I built on that fear, I let Satan come in and take over. In a really HUGE way.

And this helped me realize that I have another choice. A choice for Joy. That I can choose JOY instead of fear. And it really is just as simple as that. So, I continued journaling, but this time I wrote out all the things I’m excited about and thankful for. I redirected my thoughts to all that is good. I redirected my thoughts to God and away from myself.

My life right now is scary. And it is hard. I’m preparing to take my first ever mission trip with my church. And this alone makes Satan want to seek and destroy me. And I almost let him win. But, instead, I let God in to reveal to me the wonders of this opportunity. And that through the scary, He will walk with me the entire way. But I have to let him in and let him be that rock for me. Let him be that source of JOY.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not se you ablaze.
For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
Isaiah 43:2-3

My ugly cry left me vulnerable enough to let God in again. It was a cry of desperation and He answered it. And as he continues to work in me, to strengthen me, and to show me what he is preparing me to do, I am thankful to have felt that weight lifted, that cloak of darkness removed.

Today, I choose Joy. How about you?

Thanks for Nothing

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Every weekday morning, after my son and husband leave the house, I sit down, with my cup of coffee, and pray. This daily activity is something I sometimes look forward to, but often times view it as a task to check off my list. Coffee? Check. Quiet house? Check. Prayer? Check. Which is then followed by working on homework for one of my three Bible studies. I like my morning routine because it’s just that; a routine. And I do, in fact, feel it starts my day off right, even if it’s just part of my check list.

I learned ‘how’ to pray a couple of years ago. I mean, we are supposed to thank God at the beginning of our prayer, confess our sins (say I’m sorry), and ask him, specifically, for things. That’s my interpretation of what I learned. Yours may be different. What I do know, is that it’s important to thank God for answered prayers and blessings so that I remember He’s actually listening and acting. And is great to apologize for screwing up (again) because it reminds me that I’m not perfect but God loves me anyway. And, finally, be specific in asking him where I need Him the most in my life at any given time.

Admittedly, I often start off with, “Dear Lord (or Dear God), Thank you for my coffee. I’m so thankful Target had Dunkin Donuts blend on sale. It’s my favorite.” This is no joke. I am so thankful for that cup of coffee each morning. And I praise God for inventing coffee beans just for me. I guess this is my small talk with God before I dig into the real stuff. But, I try to be as real as I can with him. Because, I’ve also learned that we are supposed to be real with him. Be ourself when we talk to him; when we pray.

This morning, I started off on my regular program. Poured my cup of coffee (thank you to my husband for making a quick trip to the store to get half in half), and sat down to pray. Then I just kept sitting there. Sipping my coffee. I looked around the room a bit and saw all the same things I see daily. The cats stared at me (which is always creepy) and I sat there with absolutely nothing to say. Until, I blurted out, “Dear God, What am I thankful for today? I have no idea. I guess I’m thankful that my son has a great attitude and that I had a pretty good day yesterday.” Frankly, this was embarrassing. I felt like an ass in front of God. I couldn’t come up with any good reason to be thankful this morning. And that’s just sad. In a pathetic sort of way. Because I realized I have focused so much on what I DON’T have, that I’ve completely forgotten what I DO have.

As I segued into the rest of my prayer, I couldn’t help but feel continued condemnation for my lack of thankfulness. I asked God, as I do every Friday, to provide me a topic for my blog and to speak to me through my reading today. After my prayer, I sat down with my GIANT stack of books, journals, and bible to decide what I would tackle first. I grabbed my bible and decided to do my daily reading from there. Turns out I’m behind a week on that, which led me to read Philippians 4. (side note: God always uses my procrastination to my advantage and provides me just what I need to read even when it’s not on schedule). In reading the whole chapter, here’s what stood out to me:

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. Philippians 4:12

What I heard in this scripture was that I have not learned to be content with my life. I have not learned to be thankful for everything God provides. And I don’t just mean good things. I also mean not so good things. I should be thankful for the challenges he puts me through. For the tough choices he asks me to make. For the pruning he does in my life and my relationships. For the times he allows me to be sick so I sit and rest. For my failures. For my tears. I must learn to rejoice no matter what and be content in the RIGHT NOW no matter what it looks like. The ‘plenty’ in this scripture is not things or joy or good, but a pure God-filled heart.

I want that. I want that contentment in everything. I want to have a huge list of thanks for God all the time. I want him to fill my heart so that I no longer sense the need for control and that I, finally, let him be my everything, in good and in bad. in plenty and in want.

I’ve decided to change my prayers for the next week. I’ve decided to thank God for what I DO have. To thank him for the junk in my life. To thank him for not answering my prayers in my time. To thank him for sitting back and doing nothing until it’s the right time. Because I want to be thankful for nothing more than God being God.

What are you thankful for? Can you possibly think about thanking God for nothing and still know that He is everything?