Author: taintedfishsticks

Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark

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We had these next door neighbors growing up that had HBO. This may not seem shocking, except that is was the early 80’s. They had a huge antenna on top of OUR roof, just so they could get the signal. They recorded every single movie and had a huge alphabetized and cataloged VHS collection. It was like having Blockbuster right next door, but free (to us). I was about 11 years old and the neighbors were 1 and 3 years younger than me. We watched TONS of scary movies. TONS. Movies like “Halloween” (still freaks me out), and “Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark” (the original). I have to tell you, I HATE scary movies. In fact, I still freak myself out when it’s dark in the house. Admittedly, I don’t step anywhere on the floor close to my bed if it’s dark. I take an extra-large step so that nothing can grab my ankles from under the bed. Yes, I do this. Yes, I’m 42.  I don’t know why I watched all those movies and I don’t know where any of our parents were. I won’t even watch cop shows because I freak out so much. I probably need some sort of hypnosis to remove the still fresh images of some of those films.

As a kid, movies pretty much encompassed all that I thought I was afraid of. They were tangible, and spoke to that certain fear part of the brain. But, what I didn’t realize, is that I was afraid pretty much all of the time, of everything. I was afraid of failure, rejection, sickness, loss, security, and insignificance.  I muddled my way through those years holding on to a thin thread of hope, and always wondering when it would finally snap.  I didn’t even know what that thread was made of, or who held the other end of it. And I so wish that I did.

In my early 30’s, I caught a glimpse of the other end of that string. It was God. But I didn’t understand really who he was and why he’d been helping me my whole life. I just knew if I kept seeking him, somehow that thread would strengthen and become my lifeline. And several years later, with continued seeking, it has become just that.  What I didn’t know, was that Satan is the one who has been running with scissors, chasing me my whole life, with only one mission: to cut that line.

If you are a Christ follower, you might know that the stronger your relationship with Jesus, the more Satan wants to take you down.  I guess that’s why some of the stuff that happened to me before I knew Jesus was not that awful. And, of course, everyone’s awful is completely different. God wanted me so much that he protected me all these years, even when I didn’t acknowledge him. And, when I did, that pissed Satan off majorly.  He brought out those big guns. The ones he started using on me when I was growing up. He tied into all my biggest fears.  You know, failure, rejection, sickness, loss, security, and insignificance. The thing is, he’s actually super crafty, because you wouldn’t think your negative inner voice and low self-worth come from somewhere else. In fact, most people think these thoughts are totally valid, and that the world determines our worth. We believe these to be 100% true. And that’s the crafty part of it, because they are 100% false.

Truth comes only from God. And his truth lives in the Bible. No where that I’ve seen does the Bible talk about how we aren’t able to be a whole person if someone rejects us, or if we lose something or someone in our life. The Bible doesn’t tell us to muddle along life being careful and mediocre because we might fail. It doesn’t tell us we’d better wait until we are fully prepared to start following God’s calling for our life. And it certainly doesn’t say you’d better be sure to follow what everyone else is doing in order to be accepted and loved.

With God on our side, our fears are moot. He promises that he’s already prepared us for what we are supposed to do. He’s prepared us to be significant. Even if we don’t realize it. He won’t send us a detailed list of all the things he’s laid out. But he will be there as you to step out in Faith and do it anyway. Do it blindly. “Do it afraid.” (Joyce Meyer)

The only thing stopping us from stepping out of our comfort zone is our Fear. And Fear comes only from Satan. And God is more powerful than he is. And God is on your side; he’s on your team. He’s holding your hand as you jump of the cliff into the unknown. And he isn’t letting go. And Fear is left behind.

You wouldn’t know it, but I’m afraid to write. I’m afraid it won’t be good enough. I’m afraid it will be useless. I’m afraid of being useless. I’m afraid of crossing the street at an intersection. I’m afraid of calling people and ordering pizza. I’m afraid to ask dumb questions. I’m afraid to accept some truths about myself. I’m afraid of saying I’m sorry. I’m afraid of forgiveness. I’m afraid of giving my heart away. I’m afraid I’m not good enough for anyone or anything. I’m afraid to share my faith. I’m afraid I’m a failure as a wife and a mother. I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing.

I asked God this year to bring me challenges. To open doors that had super scary things on the other side. To help me face the boogie man under the bed. I told him I trusted him enough to bust through my fear and that He would protect me. And, wouldn’t you know it, he’s doing just what I asked. And, of course, this freaks me out. But, just like he said, he’s prepared me for this. In ways I never understood at the time. And I AM taking those steps (most of the time), and I found out that even in the scary, I feel calm. In fact, pushing past the fear (defeating it) makes me feel super good!

It’s time to stop being afraid of the dark. Of the lies. And start stepping out in Faith so that you can see the Truth that is waiting.

What are you afraid of? Do you feel called to do something that totally freaks you out? If so, it’s probably exactly what God wants you to do.

Here We Go Again…

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Seems like I’m back on the hamster wheel. Just when I think I’m gaining momentum and actually GETTING somewhere, I realize I’m in the same place I started. Do you think hamsters realize this? Because I don’t think they have much of a brain. Speaking of hamsters, I’m a former hamster killer. I had them as pets as a child, stinky cage and all. And didn’t care for them properly. Found one dead in the cage once. Cause of death: Dirty cage. It’s a wonder God trusted me to care for a human.

We have very complex brains, unlike the hamster. Yet, we can run on a revolving wheel much the same way without ever realizing we aren’t going anywhere. We go faster and faster, get stronger and stronger, and then we stop, look up, and see we are in exactly the same place. This relates to ALL areas of life, but I would guess that pretty much everyone can relate this to finances.

Without quoting any specific statistic, I know for a fact that finances are the number one cause of divorce in the US. And if it hasn’t caused divorce, it certainly causes stress and tension in our life and relationships. I’m not talking about the LACK of money, but the MANAGEMENT of money. What we do with what we are given. What we do with what God has loaned us. We are stewards of HIS money. And, therefore, he provides us opportunities to show him we can manage it wisely, whatever the amount.

God has given my husband and I LOTS of ‘opportunities’ (tests) with money. LOTS. Sometimes he’s given us what I consider TONS of money to work with. The parable of the talents in the Bible talks about this. If you don’t know the story, check out Matthew 25:14-30. I think, most of the time, we are the third guy in this story. We totally blow it. And we come back to God with exactly what we started with. We run the hamster wheel fast, and make no headway with what he’s given us.

Like the bible talks about, God gets pissed off at the third guy. And rightly so! It’s like when you give your kid $20 to buy a hot chocolate and he comes back with that, a giant cookie, and $11 in change. Hey! That’s MY money! And you just wasted it. We are wasting God’s money.

When God is not happy with what we’ve done, he brings us back to where we started again. This time with less. And this time, with conviction on our hearts.

You see, we’ve always had everything we need. EVERYTHING. And probably more than that. But as soon as we get everything in check with our finances, opportunities come up for us to receive more income. And EVERY time, we mis-manage that ‘extra’ money. We literally don’t manage it. We just spend it. We don’t consider it part of our budget. We don’t really consider it at all. And that’s like saying, “Oh, hey God. No, you don’t need to worry about this. We got it. This is our EXTRA. Thanks for providing that for us so we don’t have to stress out about buying things we don’t need.”

Crap. Just writing that out solidifies the fact that we are morons. We have tiny hamster brains. We live to run on the wheel of the world. And not care that we aren’t going anywhere. Not a worry about being stewards to God’s wealth.

Well, the wheel has stopped. Again. And as we look around, we are scared out of our minds of the familiar territory. Higher taxes, job changes, big life decisions, and most certainly God, have put us in a very different financial place. Something we knew was coming, yet didn’t spend a second preparing for.

God has presented us with another test. Feels like a final exam. He’s given us all the information. We’ve had plenty of homework, quizzes, projects, and group discussions. He has prepared us as much as he can. And that’s all he can do. It’s time for us to apply what we know, have faith in His teachings, and ACE this one! Prayers welcomed.

How is God testing you in your finances? Do you understand that nothing on this earth belongs to us? That we are just here to take care of it? Does that change how you think about how you manage your money? I hope it does.

Are you there God? It’s me, Lori

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When my son was in the 3rd or 4th grade, he brought home the book, “Are You There God, It’s Me, Margaret” by Judy Blume from the school library. Having read this book as a young girl, I knew the highlight of this tale. And I wasn’t ready for my son to read about it. I’m guessing because we had read other books by the same author, he was drawn to this. I kindly suggested to him that he really wouldn’t like the book because it was written for girls. In my head I’m thinking, “Why the HECK did the school librarian let him check this out and leave ME to deal with it???”

Oh, the challenges of parenthood. If you have ‘older’ kids, I bet you get that question all the time from  young parents, asking if it gets ‘easier’ as they get older. “HA!” I often say. No. It’s more challenging in an emotional and intellectual way. The older they get, the smarter they get, and your tricks no longer work. Oh, and you have to make sure you are setting a good example, and raising them up to be responsible, God-fearing, and generous adults. Cause they aren’t under your 24/7 watch anymore. No. It’s not easy.

But, I’ve come to understand, that NOTHING that is worthwhile in life is EASY. Not. At. All. Which brings me to a realization that I have basically skated through life participating in almost nothing that brought me out of my ‘comfort zone’. Nothing that truly challenged my belief in myself. And certainly nothing BIG that God has in store for me.  Yes, I’ve done A LOT (of stuff). Yes, I’ve accomplished things that seem pretty big. Yes, I’ve contributed to things that have made a difference. But, all of these, were still in my comfort zone. Even if they were on the very edge.

I can honestly say I have barely dipped my toe in the pool of challenge. At the same time, I can also say that I’ve claimed to. I’ve built myself up sometimes to believe I hurdled over gigantic obstacles and came out better on the other side. Yes, I have overcome things. Yes, I have grown in a positive way from these experiences. But, there’s just something so familiar about every challenge I feel I’ve taken on. And familiar typically means comfortable. Similar. Something I understand. Something I am prepared for. Something I have control of. Which, in my new understanding, does not qualify as a true CHALLENGE.

I am not here to say I am worthless and haven’t accomplished anything. Not in any way. I am super proud of things I’ve done and even surprised at a lot of it. Things like parenting. I’ve done a great job, alongside my husband, to raise an incredible kid. And EVERYONE who becomes a parent for the first time knows that this is the biggest challenge of life. It rocks your world in every direction, and you are never prepared for it.

But since that time, what HAS rocked my world? I mean, I’m trying to cut coffee for the next month and I can’t even bring myself to do that. And to me THAT is huge. Which, when I think about it, is so small. When did coffee rule my world? Wait. That’s probably another blog, because I think my love for coffee is up there with my love for Nigel, my car.

I’m feeling a looming challenge ahead. And I’m TERRIFIED to say the least. And it might not even be a THING, but a sin or, dare I say AGAIN…Control.

Giving up control and truly living by faith could be every Christ follower’s biggest challenge. I mean, God made us all full of personality and brains, and then he tells us HE wants to be in charge? But I’M in charge? I’M the boss of me!

Sounds a lot like parenting older kids. They are full of this personality and brains I speak of, and certainly want to be in control at all times. This frustrates the heck out of me as a parent. It makes me feel insignificant much of the time. I can imagine how frustrated this must make God. When all he wants is the best for us. And all he asks is that we listen to what He’s saying, and DO IT. We let HIM be in control of our lives.  How insignificant we make him feel when we turn from him and walk our own path.

So, God, I get it. You want me to walk by faith and give up my control. Which pretty much translates into every single thing in my life. I know that YOU know I can do this. But I also know that you know I don’t believe I can. So, please, walk with me through this. Show me the way. And help me give up that control to you so I can truly know what GREAT things you have in store for me. Amen.

Teen Mom: 13 Years in the Making

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SI am a mom. I am a wife. I am a blogger. I have multiple random jobs. And now, I have a son who is 13.

People say that, ‘time flies!’ and, “kids grow up so fast!” But, honestly, I think it has felt like exactly 13 years since he came into my life. Not a minute longer. Not a minute shorter. I feel like I’ve seen him grow and change in the perfect timing. And, even though I told him he’s not technically a year older until 10:50 tonight, I’m totally okay with the fact that he’s now 13.

I have, hands down, the most incredible son. God gave us just one child, and he outdid himself with this one. Sometimes I think we were only given just one because THIS one is enough. He’s like several people in one. And the perfect fit for our family. We were chosen to raise this amazing creature. And we’ve taken on the task in all seriousness.

My son is generous, compassionate, creative, driven, confident, talented, non-stop, and an old soul. With all that, he’s also just a normal 13 year old kid. He still fights with me. He still thinks he’s right all the time. He still needs reminding to brush his teeth and put his name on his math homework. And he still hugs me good night. Every night.

Many people compliment my husband and I on what a great job we’ve done raising him. And, you know what? I would agree with that. And I’ll take it. WE will take the compliment. Because he IS an incredible human being. However, we won’t take ALL the credit for who he is today. Our son’s life has been filled with so many people that have helped him along his way. That have loved on him, encouraged him, disciplined him, taught him, and prayed for him. We could never have raised such an outstanding person without a lot of help and influence from all of the pastors, teachers, caretakers, family, and friends in our lives. It takes a village.

So, today, on his 13th birthday, we celebrate the person he has become, and the person he is destined to be. And we thank each and every person who has touched his life in some way. But, most of all, we thank God for chosing us and others in his life to care for him. In His perfect timing, our son came into our lives, and the perfect people surrounded us and have brought our son to where he is today.

For his 13th birthday, our son has given up presents to help provide clean water to people around the world. Just a piece of evidence of his caring heart. Please visit his Charity:Water campaign page and consider donating in honor of him today. http://mycharitywater.org/noahs13thbirthdayforcleanwater

Pity: Party of One

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I would like to take this moment to give myself kudos for the amazing job I do at throwing myself pity parties.  No, seriously, I’m considering adding ‘pity party planner’ to my list of skills on my newly created LinkedIn profile. I’m positive I would get several endorsements for this incredible talent.  For certain, I’ve had enough years of experience to merit the notation.

If you know me, you know that I don’t do anything half ass. It’s all or nothing, all of the time. So, when I throw a party like this, it’s epic. Everything from the venue, food, drink, guest list, toast, and, of course theme (pity) are carried out down to the last detail. No expense is spared for an event such as this. The significance of said party is not to be underplayed.

To be more specific, I pick a venue that is close to home, or most often actually at my home. This allows space to flop or flouder, and plenty of doors to slam, cats to ignore, and family members to yell at. Food can be tricky, as sometimes it’s difficult to get the coffee tasting just right, or find a slice of cake at 10:30 in the evening. The guest list is very specific and exclusive. There is no room at a pity party for anyone other than the host (me). If anyone else tries to crash it, they will be met by the bouncer at the door (me) and quickly reqret their attempt to join in the fun.give up

The highlight of the party is always the carefully delivered, eloquently versed, and unequivocally truthful speech given by the host. Because this, my friends, is the core and the soul of the party itself. The reason for the gathering, and the purpose of the fanfare.  “Here’s to Lori, the woman we honor today. She is mostly useless, weighs more than she should, has nothing to offer the world, and has spent the last ten years or so watching tv dramas and dabbling in short term jobs. She has no party invites due to lack of friends, and is probably not fun to hang out with anyway. We raise our glasses to her extreme lameness! Cheers!”

At the end of the speech, I am fired up and ready for more! Let’s party like its 30-12 tonight! Bring on the junk food, the door slamming, and the yelling! Lock the doors so no one else can spoil the fun.

But, even I know that every good pity party must come to an end. Every event runs it’s course. And, eventually, it’s time to clean up the mess. But, when it’s time for the cleanup, my gifting runs dry. I can’t see past the truths of my speech and the giant mess I have made.

Thankfully, there is a cleanup crew already on task. Even though I didn’t hire them, they show up every time. As they begin to sweep up the debris, I notice my mood begin to change, and perhaps a tidbit of joy sneeking in. Like the sun shining through a clean spot on a dirty window. They scrub, and they wash, and they fix what is broken; my heart. And, finally, they present me with a new toast. One that speaks right to my heart. One that fills me up, instead of breaks me down. One that is REAL truth.

Who are these cleanup experts? They are my husband, they are my friends, they are scripture, and they are truth. They are all organized perfectly by Jesus to help me know what is real, and to break up my pity party. Because we aren’t meant to determine our own worth. God has already done that. We are beautiful, talented, loving, and perfect in his eyes. And he will always show us that truth when we care to listen.

So, next time you want to throw a party for yourself of the pity nature, check with God first, because I bet he has a better idea in mind.

 

 

When is ‘Enough’, Enough?

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This morning, while catching up on some missed bible study lessons from the fall, I was presented with a compelling question; Is God Enough? Or, do I want just a little bit more? As a Christ follower, Jesus is supposed to be my everything. But as a person, living in the world, I don’t think I give him that title, or believe he is ‘enough’.

Even Jesus’ disciples struggled with this. They spent tons of time with him, with God, and still asked for more. “Lord, show us the Father and that will be enough for us.” John 14:18. They wanted physical proof that God exists, even though they were walking with him the entire time.

Many people don’t believe God exists at all. Maybe it’s because they have struggles in life, or maybe it’s because they don’t believe what they can’t see. The thing is, it doesn’t matter if you believe in God, or not, life still has struggles, and we still won’t ever see God here on this earth. Following Jesus doesn’t make your life awesome and without mess. Instead, it provides you with the instructions on how to navigate this world and the challenges in it. As a Christ follower, you understand that God’s instructions are simple, yet majorly impactful. Following God brings peace and comfort during terrible times, and joy and thanksgiving to follow. God is not out to get us EVER. Instead, he is for us ALWAYS. And he will help guide us through the ups and downs of life every single step of the way.

And we will never see him there. But we know that he is.

The truth is, physical proof of God’s presence is all around us. I know it’s all around me. But, if I’m not focused on Jesus, I won’t see it. Because God rarely presents my answered prayers in the way I expected. And he pretty much never shows me a path that I planned out ahead of time. He certainly doesn’t give me a to do list each day with bullets and priorities, just how I’d like it.

But, in all honesty, I want these things. I want clear instructions. I want a detailed list. I want things to happen quickly, and I want to be happy all the time. I want God to show up one morning for coffee and give me all the inside details that I just don’t understand. I want a ‘thumbs up’ or ‘thumbs down’ when I ask him if I should do something. I want to know the future, and I want to know exactly what heaven looks like. But, mostly, I want everyone in the world to know God.

And when I spend time in prayer, I don’t see him sitting next to me, or feel him wrap his arms around me, but he does. All day long. He walks with me, he talks with me, and most importantly, he loves me unconditionally. He knows me better than anyone. And he is FOR me. Always. And he is here for you too. Whether you believe it or not.

So what else DO I need? Certainly, God should be enough.

Is God enough? Is he even anything to you? Are you finding what you need in this world? Because YOU are enough and everything to him. What’s holding you back from finding out?

What I Learned in Twenty Twelve

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IMAG0201It’s so totally cliche to reflect on the past year on New Year’s Eve. And I hate being cliche. In fact, I love the fact that I consider myself a ‘non-conformist’. Maybe I try too hard at that sometimes. But anyway, I do tend to reflect this time of year like so many others. Could be the fact that I’m exhausted from all the holiday fun, and finally have a moment to just breathe.

I kinda want this post to be all psychoanalytical and deep, because I’m feeling all sorts of good and calm in my insides. But that sort of writing can put some people to sleep. Even me. Who doesn’t typically sleep well. (note to self: read more funky deep chakra sorts of stuff before bed in 2013)

The truth is, I learned a lot this past year. A lot of it was about myself and how much I get in my own way most of the time. My analytical personality went overboard in 2012 and not in a good way. I must find a way to use this superpower for good, and not evil. I singlehandedly overanalyzed every thing and person in my life, so much that I think I pushed away a lot of activities and relationships that could have brought me some real JOY. I’m thankful for those who stuck by me anyway, and for the many times I told myself to “just do it anyway!” when I was all funked out.

The positive side to my mathmatical brain is that it sees ALL sides, even the positive ‘what ifs’. What if I looked for the good in people instead of focus on the flaws? What if I joined a gym again and exercised just once per week? What if I allowed myself time every day to write? What if I DID IT ANYWAY? Through intent problem solving techniques, I can most certainly come up with the conclusion each time that my life would be more fufilled if I purposefully focus on the positive instead of the negative. Well, it’s not just me that came up with that, because important and smart psychologial people have spent years researching this sort of behavior. I just takes me reading this kind of stuff several times and doing my own failed experiments before I get it.

Well, I GET IT. And I’m excited about it!

My dear friend gave me a fabulous gift this Christmas. It’s a Gratitude journal. It’s exactly what I needed to propel me into the new year with a new outlook. And, even better, it has INSTRUCTIONS on how to use it. This speaks to me in many warm and fuzzy ways. In the intro of the book, it says, “People who actively try to become more grateful in their everyday lives are happier-not to mention healthier-than those who don’t” BINGO! Tell me one person who doesn’t want Health and Happiness? Who knew something as simple as gratitude could get you there? Well, these previously mentioned smart people did. And we ALL can take advantage of this incredible tool.

I’m super fabulous at finding the worst in things. Sometimes I talk about it in a humorous way to make people (and myself) laugh. Sometimes this is still okay, I think. But I know the negative has outweighed the positive for me this past year, and it’s time to adjust that scale.

Here are some things I’m grateful for this past year:

Hugs from my 12 year old. The opportunity to write. Friendships lost. Friendships strengthened. Perspective. Hand written letters. Jesus. Unexpected gifts. Daily walks. My husband’s unconditional love. My family. Kisses from my 1 year old nephew. Sunshine. Hugs from lifetime friends. Photographs. Laughter. Coffee.

What are you grateful for? Do you focus on the negative in life? What can you do this coming year to find more JOY?

Thank you from my whole heart for reading my blog and supporting my writing!

Happy New Year!!

XOXO

Lori

Inflatables Be Gone!

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Please people. Enough is enough. The inflatable Christmas is completely out of hand!

You KNOW what I’m talking about. And you might be guilty of it. Don’t pretend that inflatable lawn decorations are normal just because they are available everywhere. Home Depot is not the boss of you. Don’t tell me it’s ‘festive’ to have a 12′ blow up snow globe in your front yard. Don’t tell me your kids picked it out. Cause kids, in general have no taste. And there is nothing inflatable that will ever come close to being attractive. Nothing.

Have I offended you yet? I hope so, because your 8′ long inflatable nativity scene offends me. I can ALMOST tolerate blow up Santa, but I draw the line when you fill baby Jesus with lights and air.

Outdoor holiday deco in general has reached a level of tacky that I just can’t understand. Many houses look like the bin of lights, collected over time, were just thrown onto the house and surrounding yard. There is no consideration for coordinating color palettes or themes or installing lights properly, or even in a straight line. I actually fear that some outdoor displays may be an indication of what I might find inside.

PAUSE. I just want to point out that I’m on the fence about light up reindeer. I might be okay with them as long as they aren’t animatronic. I’m also okay with the similarly designed boxes of gifts and candy canes. But not the blow up kind. To be clear.

Let’s talk for a second about icicle lights, shall we? PEOPLE, these lights only look good when adhered under the eaves of an a-frame roof. Not stapled haphazardly on the front of your garage or in your bushes. Use these the way they were designed, and please take them down before Mother’s Day.

In the darkest time of the year, it’s joyful to drive around and see the house deco lighting up the neighborhood. But somewhere in the last 20 years, we’ve lost idea of simply stringing lights, to creating the tackiest and seizure inducing deco known to man. I know everyone doesn’t have talent for decorating, but we all can have a filter. We should know when we’ve reached the level of ‘enough’, which should happen JUST before you plug in the inflatable baby Jesus.

Merry Christmas!

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Dear Sally

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Dear Sally,

I just for home from your Celebration of Life service. Thank you for inviting me. I know it was you who prompted Sarah to email me when she saw your obituary in the paper. I know you wanted me to be there even though it’s been awhile since we’ve seen each other.

I’ll never forget the last time I remember seeing you. Of course I don’t remember what we talked about, but you were out on your patio tending to your incredible garden. I don’t know how in the world you had such a beautiful space just outside your apartment. I’m not sure how long ago that was, but over a year for sure.

I’ve thought about you since, especially when I go get my hair cut. Micha always asks if I’ve seen you, and guiltily, I say no. Micha came today to the service. I guess you know that. There were so many times when I’d see you at church during bible study or service and think I should be doing something to help you. But then I would get stuck at just thinking about it and never take action. I know if I told you I felt guilty about this you’d tell me that was nonsense and that you had plenty of people offering to help, but what you really wanted was to take care of yourself.

I wasn’t sure if I was coming today. I think I was afraid. Afraid of what, I don’t know, but maybe it was because it would make the fact that you are gone real. It would mean all those things I never did for you couldn’t be done. It would mean I had to face the fact that I failed you as a friend. It would mean I might have to see your loved ones desperate for you to return.

I asked God, and you, the help me with my decision. Of course, I already knew the answer. But so often that’s how prayer works. I think we use it sometimes as a stalling technique when we don’t want to do what God has asked of us. Even though I knew I needed to go, I tried to sabotage my chance of getting there by going to Costco. On a Saturday morning! I talked to you the whole way there and asked you to help me get through and back home in time to make it to your service. I knew you could work that miracle, and you did.

Your service was perfect, of course, because you planned it. The right people were there just as you wanted, and a sense of peace was spread throughout the sanctuary. The words of the Pastor, your brother, additional family, friends, and of course Pastor Al, resonated through the room and touched each person’s heart.

I knew you for a short time Sally, a season. You came into my life, as they say, for a reason. Thank you for loving God more than anyone I know. Thank you for having incredible faith in your terrible circumstance. Thank you for your beautiful eyes, smile, and soul. Thank you for calling me friend, and for loving me.

I’m gonna miss you Sally. I’ll see you in Heaven someday.

Love,
Lori

Do You See What I See?

taintedfishsticks 2 Comments

One of my biggest insecurities is being forgotten. More so that I’m forgettable, or not attractive to others. That I’m the person no one wants to be around. I want to be noticed, accepted and liked. I want people to think of me when they make plans. I want to be invited to their party. I want a phone call, text, or email. I want them to ‘like’ my status post. I spend a lot of time alone. A LOT. Some people wish for alone time. I loathe it. I want to be with people. To share, to laugh, to cry, to enjoy life together. I want to feel energy from others, and be encouraged by them.

I sat alone today at my bible study table. For what seemed like forever. I waited for others to join me. I watched them walk by. I longed for those familiar to me to sit down. But they didn’t. Over 40 woman, at church, didn’t pick my table. I was horrified. I was embarrassed. I felt unloved. The announcements started and I pretended to pay attention. My table was front and center, under the stage spotlight, and I pretended I was totally okay. Inside I was sad and hurting and defeated. I felt like a freak and a loser. I joked that I had spots available, which called more attention to the fact I had 7 empty seats around me.

Thank goodness we had a coffee break before the session started. I was the first to jump up and rush over for a cup. I could hide my face as I gulped down the hot goodness. I smiled at people and continued my act of being okay. I made small talk, cause I’m supposed to be nice to people there, but wondered the whole time if everyone felt sorry for me.

I happened to glance over near the stage. I looked past a group of woman talking. Then I realized, they were seated at MY TABLE. I took a second look, and a deep breath before I headed over. I assumed these women were forced to move to my table which introduced a whole new set of emotions and negativity to my inner voice. As I approached, I was greeted with genuine smiles. I sat down and most likely said thank you for sitting at my table. As we started talking, I found out most of the ladies arrived late and found the empty seats. This eased my insecurity a bit and helped me redirect.

As the schedule would have it, I was set to talk about our table ‘agreements’. I talked about how we strive to create a safe and encouraging environment. I shared with them that it was at a bible study several years before I had found Jesus for the first time in my life. I joked about people being annoying and saying awkward things. And I let them all know it was okay to be yourself here. Because we aren’t here to judge, but to learn together and help one another.

If those words I spoke aloud had found their place inside my head just ten minutes earlier, I may not have felt alone and abandoned. I might just have heard the truth which so clearly is that I AM loved, and even liked. God loves me. He knows me for who I am and he still likes me. He humbled me today by showing me how much he cares. Those women who sat at my table were strangers to me before today. But, within minutes I learned how much we are all alike. We all have silly senses of humor, we all struggle with having too much free time, and we are all excited to learn.

One of the ladies at my table is on my exact same path, just 8 or so years behind me. We went to the same college, we lived in the same dorm, we got the same degree. But mostly, I saw myself in her eyes, in her heart, the first time I attended bible study. Wanting to learn but feeling scared of not being accepted. She spends a lot of time alone and is desperate for time with others. For women to notice her and want to spend time with her. God placed her at my table, and in my life today. In His perfect timing. Just about ten minutes past mine.