Author: taintedfishsticks

This One’s for My Dad

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me and dadSeeing my dad in the hospital, unconscious, scared the crap out of me. I even ran out of the room. A male nurse stopped me and asked if he could help. I just looked at him, dazed, and muttered the word, “no.” Could he HELP? Really? Could he wake my dad up so I could talk to him? Could he take all the tubes and whatnot away so I could hug him? Could he bring him back to the person he was before he had a stroke? The answer was no. Maybe he was asking me if I needed help finding a room, or validating my parking. Maybe he had no idea the pain my heart felt at that moment. But even if he did, I knew that nothing could help ease my sadness. Nothing could bring my dad back to me.

I never went back to the hospital after that day. It wasn’t long after I got the news that my dad had passed away. I’ll never forgive myself for not staying there, despite how scary or painful it was for me, and just holding my dad’s hand. I could have talked to him even though he couldn’t talk to me. I could have read to him, or played music, or watching Barney Miller with him. I could have been stronger for him. I’ll never know if me leaving him there alone contributed to him giving up on life, and letting himself go. Did he feel alone and forgotten? Was there something I could have done to keep him here?

I think about all the things I would have done differently now that I’m almost 43 and not just after my 20th birthday. Was I really THAT young and naïve? Was I really still so self-centered that my comfort came before anyone else’s, including my ailing father? Apparently, I was. And, as much as I hate myself for it, and I do, I have to find a way to heal from this pain, because it eats away at me, every single day of my life.

I wrote that a year ago and shared it solely with one of my very best friends. It’s the most I’ve gotten on ‘paper’ for my future book. The one called Tainted Fishsticks. I love how God put this book on my heart years ago and how he’s taking me through a lot of stuff in order to help me see how my hurts can be healed and how through this I can help others.

I miss my Dad every single day. And I’m just starting to work on the healing part of losing him almost 23 years ago. And I wish he was going to be with me this father’s day so I could share all of the cool stuff that’s been happening in my life. And so I could hug him again.

Project: Friendship

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bff1Make a list of the moments in your life when you’ve had to start over building new friendships. Which were the most challenging? The easiest? What made the difference? (From “Wonderstruck” Bible Study by Margaret Feinburg)

It’s been a few weeks since I answered this question during my daily homework session. But the thought continues to resonate through my entire soul. Certainly I couldn’t imagine a time when building new friendships was EASY. But what I do know, is that I’m in one of those places right this minute. In fact, I feel I’ve been here for a while now. A place where I’ve been stripped (pruned) of a lot of relationships in my life and I’m left feeling empty. I’m not a whole person right now. The companion element that true and deep friendship brings is absent.

Being aware that this cycle of friendships is apparently just another one of those things we deal with in life does not help my acceptance of it. I am a loyal person. A loyal friend. Often times too loyal. But I’ve realized my definition of loyalty is certainly skewed, because sticking with someone for better or for worse is really just sticking around to avoid dealing with loss. Additionally, this loyalty binds me into setting up expectations that others can never meet. A great way for me to unknowingly keep them at arm’s length so I never get hurt.

The core of this, again, is avoiding the feelings of loss. And certainly I’m realizing that I have a lot of work to do in this area. In the area of grieving. Because loss IS another one of those things we go through in life. And I have yet to accept that. I have yet to believe we have to lose people in our lives. I think it should be all unicorns and rainbows and all of us living together happily ever after. I don’t ever want to say goodbye to someone in my life. And especially when I don’t have the choice. Like when someone moves away, passes away, or simply walks away.

These circumstances, out of my control, are just some of the reasons relationships die. Sometimes its simply time to move on. Sometimes time and space separate. And sometimes God decides that the particular season of friendship is simply over. Whatever the reason, I’m learning to understand that moments in time with certain relationships should be cherished and fed. I need to feed the relationships I have the privilege to be a part of. I have to be diligent in making sure I am being the other half of the friendship. And I have to make sure my expectations are in check with that person right then. Right where they are. Otherwise, I’m pushing away something that I long for.

More so, I have to understand that true friendships are built over time. They have to be intentional and nurturing. They take time. They take cultivation. They take patience. They take liking and person before you love them. They take listening before you speak. They take grace before condemnation. They take forgiveness. And when I can implore these towards existing and new relationships, I might just experience what God has for me in regards to true friendships. To those relationships I crave. Honest, loving, grace-filled, laughter-filled, and life-giving.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians 3:12-14

And I have the opportunity in front of me to build new relationships, and nurture existing ones, over time, that will flourish in the same way. And I am hopeful and joyful to know that. And I am thankful for the time I’ve had with some friends that simply ended. And holding on to that helps me know that I CAN let others into my life again, even if it’s not forever. And I can be more vulnerable to those friends I do have. Give them more of my heart instead of hiding it. If I don’t, I will be left with that empty feeling the rest of my days.

Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. John 15:13

I Choose Joy

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no-fearToday, I choose Joy. It’s been a really long time since I’ve been able to say that. Because, honestly, I didn’t think I had a choice. I felt that my non-joy, we will call it, was just par for the course. That it was out of my control and, perhaps, never going to leave.

Thematically over the past few weeks, I’ve been praying, reading, writing, and speaking a lot about fear. Maybe all that activity fed the fact that I was overcome by it 24/7. I really got to a point where fear was all I thought about. I got to that point where I felt like I was going crazy. As I ugly cried to my husband the other night over the phone, I said things like, “I just don’t know what’s real anymore. I don’t know what direction to take because I don’t even see a direction. I feel like I’m losing my mind. It’s too hard to fight this fight. I think Satan wants me more than God right now and I think he’s winning.”

Do you ever reach that point of uncontrollable tears and complete exhaustion spewing from your mouth? Do your words and thoughts turn to absolute desperation? Do you feel like your insides are ready to jump out just to escape the madness of your thoughts? I do. And I did. I felt that way. I reached that point of crazy. I met my demons head on and expected not to leave alive. I expected to come out of that moment with a new direction. With my own direction. One that turned away from God. Because I just couldn’t do it anymore.

After I cried to my poor (at the moment helpless) husband, I sat by myself for a while. Then I turned on Hawaiian music and poured a glass of wine. I knew I needed a little external help to calm my nerves. Then I opened up my journal and just started writing. I wrote out all of my current fears. And then I wrote the same words over and over and over again; TIRED, SAD, ANXIOUS, AFRAID, TIRED, TIRED, TIRED. Then I wrote the word, ‘CONTROL’ with a circle-slash around it. I saw, in that moment, that I felt so out of CONTROL that it left me in a state of complete fear and exhaustion.

And then I wrote this: “I have no control over what will happen, so I choose fear.”

I CHOSE fear. Because I wanted to control my situation so much and I couldn’t, I decided to just be afraid. And as I built on that fear, I let Satan come in and take over. In a really HUGE way.

And this helped me realize that I have another choice. A choice for Joy. That I can choose JOY instead of fear. And it really is just as simple as that. So, I continued journaling, but this time I wrote out all the things I’m excited about and thankful for. I redirected my thoughts to all that is good. I redirected my thoughts to God and away from myself.

My life right now is scary. And it is hard. I’m preparing to take my first ever mission trip with my church. And this alone makes Satan want to seek and destroy me. And I almost let him win. But, instead, I let God in to reveal to me the wonders of this opportunity. And that through the scary, He will walk with me the entire way. But I have to let him in and let him be that rock for me. Let him be that source of JOY.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not se you ablaze.
For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
Isaiah 43:2-3

My ugly cry left me vulnerable enough to let God in again. It was a cry of desperation and He answered it. And as he continues to work in me, to strengthen me, and to show me what he is preparing me to do, I am thankful to have felt that weight lifted, that cloak of darkness removed.

Today, I choose Joy. How about you?

Thanks for Nothing

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Every weekday morning, after my son and husband leave the house, I sit down, with my cup of coffee, and pray. This daily activity is something I sometimes look forward to, but often times view it as a task to check off my list. Coffee? Check. Quiet house? Check. Prayer? Check. Which is then followed by working on homework for one of my three Bible studies. I like my morning routine because it’s just that; a routine. And I do, in fact, feel it starts my day off right, even if it’s just part of my check list.

I learned ‘how’ to pray a couple of years ago. I mean, we are supposed to thank God at the beginning of our prayer, confess our sins (say I’m sorry), and ask him, specifically, for things. That’s my interpretation of what I learned. Yours may be different. What I do know, is that it’s important to thank God for answered prayers and blessings so that I remember He’s actually listening and acting. And is great to apologize for screwing up (again) because it reminds me that I’m not perfect but God loves me anyway. And, finally, be specific in asking him where I need Him the most in my life at any given time.

Admittedly, I often start off with, “Dear Lord (or Dear God), Thank you for my coffee. I’m so thankful Target had Dunkin Donuts blend on sale. It’s my favorite.” This is no joke. I am so thankful for that cup of coffee each morning. And I praise God for inventing coffee beans just for me. I guess this is my small talk with God before I dig into the real stuff. But, I try to be as real as I can with him. Because, I’ve also learned that we are supposed to be real with him. Be ourself when we talk to him; when we pray.

This morning, I started off on my regular program. Poured my cup of coffee (thank you to my husband for making a quick trip to the store to get half in half), and sat down to pray. Then I just kept sitting there. Sipping my coffee. I looked around the room a bit and saw all the same things I see daily. The cats stared at me (which is always creepy) and I sat there with absolutely nothing to say. Until, I blurted out, “Dear God, What am I thankful for today? I have no idea. I guess I’m thankful that my son has a great attitude and that I had a pretty good day yesterday.” Frankly, this was embarrassing. I felt like an ass in front of God. I couldn’t come up with any good reason to be thankful this morning. And that’s just sad. In a pathetic sort of way. Because I realized I have focused so much on what I DON’T have, that I’ve completely forgotten what I DO have.

As I segued into the rest of my prayer, I couldn’t help but feel continued condemnation for my lack of thankfulness. I asked God, as I do every Friday, to provide me a topic for my blog and to speak to me through my reading today. After my prayer, I sat down with my GIANT stack of books, journals, and bible to decide what I would tackle first. I grabbed my bible and decided to do my daily reading from there. Turns out I’m behind a week on that, which led me to read Philippians 4. (side note: God always uses my procrastination to my advantage and provides me just what I need to read even when it’s not on schedule). In reading the whole chapter, here’s what stood out to me:

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. Philippians 4:12

What I heard in this scripture was that I have not learned to be content with my life. I have not learned to be thankful for everything God provides. And I don’t just mean good things. I also mean not so good things. I should be thankful for the challenges he puts me through. For the tough choices he asks me to make. For the pruning he does in my life and my relationships. For the times he allows me to be sick so I sit and rest. For my failures. For my tears. I must learn to rejoice no matter what and be content in the RIGHT NOW no matter what it looks like. The ‘plenty’ in this scripture is not things or joy or good, but a pure God-filled heart.

I want that. I want that contentment in everything. I want to have a huge list of thanks for God all the time. I want him to fill my heart so that I no longer sense the need for control and that I, finally, let him be my everything, in good and in bad. in plenty and in want.

I’ve decided to change my prayers for the next week. I’ve decided to thank God for what I DO have. To thank him for the junk in my life. To thank him for not answering my prayers in my time. To thank him for sitting back and doing nothing until it’s the right time. Because I want to be thankful for nothing more than God being God.

What are you thankful for? Can you possibly think about thanking God for nothing and still know that He is everything?

This one’s for my Mom

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Mom letting me eat cake while sitting on the carpet

Mom letting me eat cake while sitting on the carpet

Dear Mom,

I can’t imagine my life without you. Sometimes my mind goes there, and I get really really sad. For my whole life you have been there. You have been a big part of it. And not ever in an obsessive over bearing sort of way. But always just enough. Always just what I needed.

You taught me how to work hard for everything I wanted in life. You taught me to do my best at everything. You taught me about sacrificing myself for others. You showed me that if something is broken to be a part of the solution to fix it.

You always told me I was beautiful. I heard you and I believed it. You always made me feel loved and important. You taught me how to love myself for who I am.

You always support me in every thing I do. You never doubt me. You believe in me when I don’t believe in myself. You cut through the crap and the lies I tell myself and bring out truth. You speak truth to me always. Never fluff.

Even at 42, I still call you when I am sad. And you always listen and you always help me feel better. I don’t have to worry about being real with you. I can always be myself. You know where I struggle, and you don’t ever judge, but gently guide me through.

There were times in my life when I didn’t understand things you did for others. Times when I didn’t agree with your choices. Times when I wished you did things differently. But I guess that’s normal. As I grow older and experience parts of life that you once did, I see your point of view. I understand more why you made certain choices and sacrifices.

I eat well because of you. I don’t take for granted what I have because of you. I use what I have to make things work because of you. I am resourceful because of you. I am kind to others because of you.

You have extended your love to my husband, my son, and even my friends. You bring me apple pie unexpectedly. You make inappropriate jokes sometimes. You take care of yourself and not just others. You love God.

I couldn’t have asked for a better example and supporter in my life. And I didn’t have to. God gave me that gift. He decided you would be my Mom. He did good.

I love you Mom!

Lori

Our Kids Need Saving Too

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Noah's Baptism

Noah’s Baptism

I found Jesus in my 30’s. Well, not like I FOUND him, you know, on a piece of toast or in a cave or something, but more like He found his way into my heart. I am thankful that God prompted both my husband and I to take our then four year old son to church. I love how God can use children to draw us to him. Because of us following that prompting, our son, now 13, was baptized at age six. On his own accord, and because of the love and teaching of his pastor (we love you Shelly) at the time, he gave his life to Jesus, and has never turned back. I love that we were able to give him the oppotunity to know and love God, and I love that our church provided that enviornment for him.

For my husband and I, it took us a little longer to be saved. And by saved, I mean, for us to dip our foot in the water, so to speak, and proclaim that we too were all in to follow Jesus. And we were baptized on the same night by our two pastors. It was incredible, and something I will never forget. And it started what is turning out to be a journey I never knew existed. It started changing our hearts, individually, healing our marriage, and closing up large wounds of our past. There’s a lot of work still to be done, or undone, I like to say, because we spent most of our life NOT following God, and not knowing his plans for us.

All of this prompted our work in children’s ministry. And by work, I mean serving there. We dove in head first with the goal to love on and save as many kids as we could that came through our church doors every Sunday. We worked with an incredible team of leaders and saw a lot of hearts changed.

Right this minute, I got up off my chair and started to walk away from my computer. Because my heart hurts and I don’t know how much more I can write. It hurts for all of the kids out there that don’t know Jesus. And I’m watching so many of them grow up without Him. And it brings me back to my youth, which, in all honesty, wasn’t so terrible, but it could have been so much more with Jesus leading my way. I want to yell and scream through the streets of my neighborhood and gather up all the wandering kids who don’t know where they are headed. I want to love on all of them and share how much Jesus wants to know them. Yes, that might be a little over the top. I’ve been told before that sometimes I speak louder than I need to and not always in love. I’m working on this.

But, seriously, my heart does hurt for kids who don’t know God. ALL of them. Even the ones that go to church each Sunday with their parents, but haven’t figured out how to have a relationship with Jesus yet. And that seed God planted in my heart has grown into a tree, I think. And God has prompted me, once again, to help lead kids to him. And he’s giving me all the help I need, of course.

I’ve been praying for a long time about becoming a volunteer for Young Life, which is just getting started here in my hometown. I was freaked out about it for a long time, but God never let me forget about that seed. And, through prayer, and growing closer to Him, he’s opening more doors for me, and I couldn’t be more excited about it! A program for middle school kids will be starting up in the fall, and I get to be a part of it. I can’t wait to reach out to kids who were right where I was all those years ago. I can’t wait to know them right where they are, with no pressure or agenda. I can’t wait to be an ear and a voice for them. And I can’t wait to see how their heart might change just because we’ve provided them a fun and safe place to hang out and be themselves. What an incredible opportunity to love on our youth, and I get to be a part of it!

So pray for me as I embark on yet another scary journey. Pray for those kids who I might be able to reach through this. And pray for our organization to reach those who need it.

Where is God prompting you to serve? What is on your heart right now?

Turn Down The Noise!

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I haven’t slept for two nights. And by that I mean I probably slept a few hours, but mostly tossed and turned. I want to blame it on the full moon, or the unusually warm weather, because external causes are easy to point fingers at. However, even IF those things affected my slumber, the real culprit is Me.

I’ve been feeling this extremely annoying stir in myself for quite a while. It’s sort of like the feeling of a knot in your gut, but mostly like I’m claustrophobic. Sometimes I feel like I want to run to a far away place and start my life again. Sometimes I just want to RUN (which I’m lame at). Sometimes I want to let go of all my worries and just experience joy for even five minutes. I feel trapped in my own self. I can’t seem to escape the constant noise blaring in my head. And it’s not just noise, but jumbles and jumbles and jumbles of thoughts. Worries, sadness, fleeting ideas, desires, plans, self hate, regret, what ifs, whys, confusion, doubt, and fear.

I would guess if a radio station (wait, let me be ‘hip’ and say ‘Spotify’ or ‘Pandora’) had a play list like the one that goes on in my head, they wouldn’t get a lot of listeners. I know I wouldn’t listen, I’d change the channel. So, why can’t I change THIS channel? The one that BLARES in my head 24/7? What keeps me tuned in?

I’ll tell you what; It’s that I CHOOSE to listen. I choose to focus on these thoughts. I choose to let these thoughts stir me up and make me feel trapped. I choose my OWN self over God. I hold on to all of this because I’m not willing to let go of the control. As long as I’M thinking about these things, and working to solve the problems and worries in my life, then I still have CONTROL. When you think about it, it’s like managing a bunch of idiots. You know, like if a group of people worked for you, but were all incompetent for their positions. But, instead of replacing them with qualified people, you just keep trying to micro manage the heck out of them, and then eventually just do the jobs yourself.

God is qualified to do the job of managing my life. He created me. He thought of me before he created the world. He’s got this. But I choose not to hire him to take control of my life. And, as I stumble through trying to manage the idiocy of the noise in my head, I grow farther and farther from Him. Thankfully, he’s got more patience than me, and he waits. He waits for me to turn to him. He has his hand on the volume knob. He’s ready to turn down that noise as soon as I ask him to.

“Be still and know that I am God…” Psalm 46:10

This verse made its way into the jumble of my thoughts last weekend. And I held on to it tightly for a few days. And I understood what God was saying to me. And I let him take control of the noise for a little while. And then I took it back again because I didn’t see things changing. I didn’t see my problems solved yet. So I felt I needed to worry about them again. I let the sadness and anxiety creep back in. And, even though I’ve prayed and read the Word every day, the noise has washed out the message. So, here I am, again, wanting relief from my own self talk. And He is there. Again.

“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal” 2 Corinthians 4:18

Are you feeling overwhelmed by the ‘noise’ in your head? The ‘noise’ of life even? What brings you peace and relief from it? If you haven’t given the control to God yet, give it a try. I challenge you to find anything other than peace when you do so.

God – A ‘Theory’

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booksI went to Barnes and Noble the other day in search of books I needed for upcoming bible studies. I got there early and had to wait for the doors to open. I noticed I wasn’t the only one waiting, and felt like I was now part of the ‘I can’t wait for the bookstore to open’ club. It’s nice to see that people still like shopping at the store, instead of online. I love roaming the aisles and touching the books. I love the feel of having a book in my hand and bending down the corner of the pages. I worry that someday there won’t be any more bookstores, or libraries. That it will all be digital. That would be a very sad day for us visual folks.

What’s funny, is that I’m not a big reader. Or so I say. But, thanks to another new Facebook profile update, I decided to catalog the books I’ve read over the past couple years. I have them all shelved above my desk. There are a lot of them, so I guess I really DO read. The thing is, they are all non-fiction. You won’t find ‘Fifty Shades’ or whatever else is out there that EVERYONE is reading. They are all Christian and Nutrition titles. I guess these are my passions. I love to learn and I’ve been so fortunate to be led to so many great authors. And I guess that’s why I love to write about faith and nutrition. I guess my life’s passions and callings aren’t that mysterious, as I once thought they were.

Having been to B&N before for Christian books, I knew right where to go. However, it still usually takes me awhile to find the right aisle. ‘Fantasy’, ‘Horror’, ‘History’, ‘Sci-Fi’; I pass all of these aisles on my way to the ‘Christianity’ shelf. And I say shelf, because that’s about what it is. It’s not its own aisle. But one bookcase (maybe two), front and back. And they have only one of each title, so don’t plan on getting multiple copies of anything, even a Bible.

On this particular day, a title from an adjacent shelf caught my eye. The text was bold and big on a white cover. And it contained one of my favorite go-to descriptive words for people who are mean. I chuckled, and then took a picture of it. But when I looked at the photo, I realized how close this book was to the shelf of Bibles. And I looked up at the section, and saw that it was ‘Philosophy’. And, for that moment, I felt that deep pain I get when I think about how hard it is to follow God in a world that constantly creates its own ideas of how to be happy.

Being a Christ follower is hard. I mean REALLY hard. Because, for me, it means leaving my old life behind. The one that was so comfortable. Even if that comfort was really just misery. Do you know what I mean? We stay in our current circumstance so often because it’s familiar. Doesn’t matter if it’s destructive to our soul. It’s what we know and we don’t like change. Change is hard. Change hurts. And transforming your life through Christ is painful.

I live in the world. The world has some really awesome stuff in it. But is also has a lot of grossness. And the world promises happiness that is only temporary. And it’s through stuff, mostly. I like stuff. And stuff is okay, but basing my happiness on it is not. So, for that moment, those shelves illustrated how I feel as a Christ follower. I’m back in the corner, sandwiched between ‘Philosophy’ and ‘Sci-Fi’. And, because they are so close, I really could choose to believe what they have to show me at any time. I am constantly surrounded by worldly views. And even though I’m comfortable following God, there certainly isn’t a lot of support in the world to keep me there.

You see, God isn’t just another theory about how to be happy in life. God is real and God is Truth. The Bible is historical fact (did you know that?), but it’s not in the History section. I really don’t like that He is sandwiched on the shelves between theories and other make-believe ideas. But, that is my reality. That is OUR reality, as Christ followers. Even though many consider Christianity a ‘religion’ and just another ‘idea’, we hold on to our faith in the Truth that we know. In the Truth that we live and experience. If you are looking for a book about joy and peace in life, look past the worldly ideas and look to God. He is waiting for you. He loves you. And He has the answers.

Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. Psalm 25:5

Finding the ‘Good’ in Friday

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It’s Good Friday today. For most of my life I didn’t understand what that meant. I certainly didn’t understand that the literal significance of history on this day was anything but good. And even as I began my walk with Jesus, I maintained my ignorance regarding the ‘good’ of the day. You see, Jesus died on the cross on Good Friday. He was wrongfully punished by the world. He was perfect. He was without sin. But he took the worst punishment of all; death. Even though he didn’t ‘deserve’ it. It was God’s plan for him, however. And as God’s one and only son, he trusted Him. No matter what.

In all his perfection, Jesus was viewed, by many, as a terrible person. As a threat to the world. He was persecuted beyond belief. To death, actually. And he took it. He took it all. And he used EVERY one of these experiences to God’s advantage. He let every one know that his faith NEVER wavered. And he never stopped loving every single person, despite their imperfections.

When we choose to follow Christ, we are promising God to follow His commandments. Mostly, we are promising to love one another. Which sometimes means taking a beating when we are wrongfully accused. Putting aside our pride for humility. Loving others ANYWAY, even when they have hurt us. And forgiving others when they stomp on our heart.

Christ doesn’t ask us to be doormats to the world, but to be DIFFERENT in spite of what the world brings us. To show kindness, compassion, and love, just as He did. He dealt with more awfulness than I will ever see in my lifetime on earth, but he never stopped his mission to help others and to show them God’s love. And then he died for us. ALL of us. So that all of our sins would be forgiven and that we would have the opportunity for new life. A life free of our past sins. And this is why today is Good. And why God uses all tough situations for good. He doesn’t promise a worry free life. But he promises to use these experiences, no matter how tragic, for the Good of all of us.

If you don’t know the story of Good Friday, be like me and look it up. Here is some great scripture you can read. Luke 23 From the Bible. Which is historical fact, in case you didn’t know. Cause I didn’t years ago, and I like things that are facts. Because I believe them.

And, just so you know, I’m not just writing about Good Friday because it seems like the ‘right’ thing to do. I’m writing because today has NOT been a ‘good’ day. And my family is feeling personally today that persecution. And our natural tendency (sin) leads me to immediately want to retaliate. To say, “YOU ARE WRONG!!!” But my faith in Christ tells me otherwise. It reminds me that, “…in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28. And by trusting Him, and following Him, He will redeem this situation for good. And that’s more of a challenge than anything else in front of me right now.

I pray that today you might get a sense of who God is in a new way. I pray that you are encouraged to learn a little more. I pray that this Easter weekend, which brings Christ’s resurrection gives you hope in God’s Word. I pray that you understand that God is for ALL of us. And He loves YOU. And He wants you to know the love and peace that can come only from him.

Living the Uncomfortable Life

taintedfishsticks 5 Comments

I skipped my morning bible study reading because I told myself I was going to write today. I had a fabulous blog all thought out in the middle of the night. Of course, I haven’t a clue what it was about now. Even my 13-year-old tells me I need to keep a journal by my bed to record these ideas. I’m not sure when I will come to terms with the fact that my brain is such a jumble most of the time, I can’t possibly keep extra ideas in there for more than a few minutes. So, I’m going to write about what’s on my mind, right this minute.

The ‘jumble’, that is my mind, is on overload lately. I’m pretty sure when I speak to people it’s evident. I talk in circles and probably never really express what I’m trying to. And I want so much to let people know what I’m thinking. I what them to learn from my mistakes and wins. I want them to know they are loved. I want them to know I’m praying for them in a real intense way. I want them to know that I’m in this mess of life with them, and I want to make them laugh.

What am I talking about? Right. Circles again. I’m talking about the fact that my mind and my heart are pulled in so many directions right now, that I can’t give much of anything TO anything, or anyone. I asked God very clearly this year to bring me out of my ‘regular’ life, and challenge me. I told him I would trust him to carry me beyond my fears. I told him I was done living the ‘safe’ life and I wanted to know what else He had for me. That, in itself, what a bold step of faith. I mean, we ask God for lots of things, like help with a problem, to heal the sick, to mend a relationship, and to bring certain joy. But, how often do we ask him for MORE than what’s in front of us? How often do we tell him, ‘okay God, I know you have great things for me, so I’m gonna just wait here and let you handle things from now on’? Well, for me, I can honestly say I NEVER asked him for more.

Well, he’s answered my prayer. In a huge way. And, I can honestly say, my faith is wavering. My trust in Him presenting me with new opportunities is not solid. I feel he’s put me on overload. He’s given me MORE than I can handle. He’s doing exactly what I asked him and I’m all, “Wait! I’m not sure you totally understood what I asked you. I mean, I WANT what you want for me, but I probably need to be eased into it s-l-o-w-l-y.’

You know sometimes when you talk (or write) something out, the ridiculousness of your emotions hits you in the face? Well, mine just did. DUH! Look what I just wrote! God ANSWERED my prayer. He did EXACTLY what I asked. But, I haven’t received his answer with the full amount of faith that is required. And, He’s not surprised. He knew exactly what I would do. I would turn it into an overwhelming situation and FREAK OUT. He also knew I would waver in my faith in him, which allows Satan to creep into that ‘jumble’. But he doesn’t just ‘creep’ in, he JUMPS in. Full force. He uses self-doubt, confusion, and even sickness to drag me down.

But, what God also knew was that just the ASKING part was an incredible step in my faith. And He knows that it’s just enough for me to hang on to him for the ride. And it’s gonna be a FAST and bumpy one. And I’m NOT ready. And I’m freaked out. And that leaves me vulnerable. I have a choice to fix my eyes on Him anyway. I have a choice to reject the negative talk, and the push of Satan who wants me to fall back into my ‘regular’ life. And I have the choice to say ‘no’ to it all and get back into my comfort zone.

The truth is, I feel like I’m floating above the ground right now. That nothing is nailed down and nothing is safe. Nothing is ‘normal’ and everything is off-balance. So, I’m pretty sure this is all part of God’s plan, but I’d be okay if this weird floaty part would end very soon. And I want to have my eyes wide open when it does so I can understand what He’s doing, and bring my faith in Him back up to where it needs to be.

”For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. – Jeremiah 29:11