Day 9: March 16, 2014

I feel like I’m suffocating. I find myself taking deep breaths several times during the day. Every day.

I feel the weight of every day tasks and life pushing me down and making it harder and harder to stay afloat. I sense the darkness closing in and I feel a chill in my bones. I’m drowning in the place that is my life right now, and I don’t see a way out, so I continue to tread water, hoping that my efforts will find me the shore.

I no longer fake a smile when friends ask how I’m doing. Because I don’t have the energy to pretend. I have to focus on the right now and on my breathing. Because sometimes I worry I will forget how. To breathe.

And being in this place is not scary, but more hopeless. It’s the darkness with no understanding of light. It’s the knowledge that change is on the horizon. And the knowing that the action to take might be incredibly painful.

And freeing.

I’m in the calm that is the storm. In the rumble of the wind. Being carried along on a flight to a new place and space that I’ve never known. One that is free from people pleasing and thrill seeking. A place where my heart is no longer my own and the truth is no longer from the world.

And God is taking me there.

God is light, and there is no darkness in him at all. So we are lying if we say we have fellowship with God but go on living is spiritual darkness; we are not practicing the truth.
1 John 1:5-6

And he is showing me truth that I could never have guessed. Although I knew he had healing for me, I didn’t know the least of how he would get me there. And I’m still amazed and befuddled by it. And, full disclosure, I question it. Because right now it’s hard to know what is truth.

But I see that these truths are not new to me. That he’s been showing me them the whole way. To prepare me for this season of life. To be accepting and willing to believe them. Because I wouldn’t have before.

You were running the race so well. Who has held you back from following the truth?  It certainly isn’t God, for he is the one who called you into freedom.
Galatians 5:7-8

He holds me above water and makes me work through the struggles so that I can let go and be free from the pain and lies that have been holding me back. And he will guide me to shore, where I can feel the warm sand between my toes and breathe in the warm air.

And smile.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
Galatians 5:1

What is your truth? What lies have you been listening too? Ask God to reveal them to you. I bet you will be surprised and even set free.

this post is part of a series called ’40 Days of Blogging’. Click the links to find other posts! Thanks for reading!