12 used to be my favorite number. But not today. I have exactly 12 days left of my 28 day Vegan Detox. Yes, if you can believe it, I made it through the first 16 days. I’d like to note that I just had to use a calculator to figure out how many days it’s been. This is because my brain doesn’t work anymore.

I am food deprived. I don’t care what anyone says about all the amazing vegan/gluten/sugar free recipes out there. They are still just combos of veggies, beans, weird grains, and tofu. I might puke if I eat another bean. That, or blow a hole in my pants from farting so much. And I think there’s a reason quinoa is an ‘ancient grain’. Because it’s old skool and needs to stay in the history books. (not that I’ve EVER seen it mentioned)

My pantry is completely foreign to me right now. It’s like I’m living in someone else’s house. I’m having flashbacks to childhood when I’d be afraid to eat at a friend’s because they ate things like ‘Bugles’ and put corn syrup on their pancakes. I open up my fridge and freak out at the sight of tofu and the 14 varieties of ‘alternate milk’ products. And why are they sold in a box? Is almond milk too good for a regular carton?

Did I happen to mention I think my 11 year old son is also starving? I can barely figure out what I’m going to eat, let alone make sure he has food too. This whole vegan thing has caused me to become a neglectful parent. For all I know, he stealing other kids lunches and trading his shoes for slices of pizza. He might have to live off his Halloween candy for the next couple of weeks. And not that I’d notice, because, again, my brain doesn’t work anymore.

I frickin want a piece of cheese. Anything melted will do. I dare not try any of the fake versions for fear I will actually die of total disgust. I have very few principles that I live by, but one definitely is, ‘thou shall not eat imposter meat or dairy products’. This includes tofu shaped like hot dogs or turkey, and rice milk formed into shredded cheese.

I am a lot of things, but I’m certainly not vegan. I’m not sure I even can applaud those who are. I feel they are so restricted and missing out on amazing food. Of course, maybe food isn’t such a big part of their life, like it is mine. And maybe they are more emotionally stable when it comes to accepting alternate protein sources.

What I AM, is particular and stubborn. I’m also a rule follower and rarely give up or back down. I believe I have met my match. The vegan detox may beat me. I am weak, and left with minimal willpower. Cheese enchiladas are calling my name. “Lori! We miss you!”. Did I mention I am also delusional? Clearly.